Throwing the Controller: Okinawan Typhoon Season

In Throwing the Controller, we look back at the most infuriating enemies, levels and screwovers in NES history.

You've heard of "infotainment." Now discover "enteractivity!"

One of the most ambitious early NES games, The Karate Kid takes players on an exciting journey through the events of the first two movies.

The first of the game's four stages recreates the All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament that Daniel LaRusso wins at the end of the first movie. Sadly, there is no boss fight against Sensei John Kreese, making Rambo the only video game to ever feature an enemy portrayed by your god and mine, Martin Kove.

Seriously, someone tell me where I can get a copy of this magazine.

But that's just a disappointment––albeit a major one––not a screwover.

The game's remaining three stages detail Daniel and Mr. Miyagi's journey to Okinawa. Stage three in particular recreates the memorable typhoon that strikes the island just as the bad blood between Miyagi and Sato comes to a boil.

Despite his months of intense karate training under Mr. Miyagi, Daniel finds the weather to be more powerful than Johnny, Tommy, Bobby, Jimmy and Dutch combined. He can't even stand still in the face of the gale force winds––the wind continuously pushes him backwards. That would only be an annoyance, except the level contains tons of tricky platform jumps over the deadly Okinawan water.

Excuse me: the normal Okinawan water. Too bad Mrs. LaRusso didn't spring for swimming lessons in addition to those martial arts ones. Making matters worse, helpless birds and flying sticks are constantly flying right at face level. It's almost as if Mother Nature herself has joined the Cobra Kai.

If you believe this game, the wind is Daniel's most dangerous opponent ever.

Bonus Screwover!

Karate Kid is probably most fondly remembered for its three mini-games of skill. Recreating famous training scenes from the movies, these hidden bonus scenarios give the player a chance to earn extra uses of the famous Miyagi Dojo special attacks: the crane kick and the drum punch.

Don't expect to earn any rewards if you're randomly dropped into the swinging hammer game, though. It's incredibly tough to time your jumps in order to avoid the pendulum-like hammer that comes at Daniel faster and faster. Here's the kicker, though-–jumping doesn't even count! You're actually supposed to be pushing the A button just before the hammer smashes you. The timing to do so is even more strict, so much so that I usually just give up immediately and accept Daniel's fate of gruesome blunt force trauma.

Please, hammer, don't hurt him.

With the benefit of hindsight, we're certain that the developers should've replaced this unbeatable level with a deck-sanding mini-game, a car-waxing mini-game, a fence-painting mini-game or, even better, a shower curtain costume-wearing mini-game.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #1: Swamp Thing

In the famed Alan Moore-written comics, Swamp Thing is a being of unimaginable power, an earth elemental who draws his strength directly from the planet. That's what we're assuming anyway; we never actually got around to reading the issues that explained it all.

As is sadly too often the case, the NES version of the character does not measure up to the real-life version. The game takes place entirely within a swamp. What luck, right? That's Swamp Thing's home turf! Surely he'll be at an advantage! Fighting Swamp Thing in a swamp is like fighting Aquaman at the bottom of the ocean or fighting the Blob in donut shop: they should be basically unstoppable.

Alas, it seems that Swamp Thing is easily injured by extremely normal swamp creatures like snakes and fish. And plants. Shouldn't he be in perfect harmony with these creatures and be able to use them as his minions and sidekicks? At the very least, he shouldn't be injured by plants. He's made of plants.

Swamp Thing is stymied by Plant Thing

Here's the deal: even if he's not an earth elemental, Swamp Thing is still a guy who got mutated into a giant hulking plant beast by an evil industrialist who was after his wife. Look at the ham hocks on him in that screenshot above. He's got the tools to fight. This isn't a guy who should be beaten up by nature.

But then again, if Swamp Thing doesn't want to get the crap kicked out of him, maybe he should learn how to attack at any height higher or lower than exactly six feet and at a horizontal distance greater than six inches.

You can have him.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #2: The Spelunker

Okay, so we could have used this sprite,

but you'll be much more familiar with that first one if ever make the terrible life decision of playing Spelunker. Or, more likely, if you're kidnapped by mind terrorists and forced to play Spelunker in a horrific experiment.

Cave exploration was a terrible choice of career for this guy. And not just because he's easily killed by bats, falling sand and stalactites and cave ghosts. Any one of those subterranean dangers could fell an average man. Well, except for the bats. And the sand. And ghosts usually don't have corporeal form, so they're mostly harmless. But let's be charitable and imagine that these so-called dangers are indeed a threat to the typical cave explorer's existence.

That doesn't explain how or why the spelunker dies any time he comes into contact with steam. I guess it must be hot, but come on, why aren't you wearing protective gear?

An extremely charitable rendering.

Most appalling, however, is the spelunker's complete and baffling inability to survive a drop of more than six inches. Not six inches on the television screen, mind you––six relative inches in the actual world of Spelunker.

And we're not talking falls on the head or back, either. These are planned leaps, feet first.

You can see why he chose the wrong career. Cave exploration is all about delving ever deeper into the earth, and this is a man who would die trying to take the stairs.

It should tell you something that Spelunker's spiritual successor Spelunky, which was released within the past couple of years and is infamous for its balls-to-the-wall, old school difficulty, is way more forgiving than the original. You can fall at least 15 feet before you die!

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #3: Sterling Sharpe of the Green Bay Packers

Self explanatory.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #4: Thief

Make no mistake, Final Fantasy is hard game. Saving is heavily restricted, enemies are extremely powerful, every location is a deathmaze, and, if their intended target dies, your party members aren't even smart enough to attack another monster. They lose their turn in a daze of confusion, because honestly, how could they have expected not to just lie down and die horrifically as soon as the battle started?

That said, if you really want to, you can make the game much harder for yourself. How? By making your entire party consist of the most useless RPG character of all time: the thief.

Every other character has at least one redeeming value. The fighter has a high attack power. Black, red and white mages can use spells. Black belts know karate. And the thief? No spells. Crappy weapons and armor. Low HP. Certainly no karate.

The only thing they're good at is running away like chickens. Which seems useful, since you run into a pack of imps every five steps in the world of Final Fantasy, and the battles can get extremely tiresome. But all the running in the world isn't going to help you when you encounter Chaos.

Expect to see your thief "Zzzz"ing quite a bit.

If, somehow, you're able to make it to the endgame with a thief in your party, he'll get promoted to being a ninja, and actually become useful and powerful. Even ignoring that confusing career trajectory, it's like the ultimate slap in the face. You could have been chopping up monsters with katanas this entire time, thief, and you just didn't feel like it, or what? 

No wonder Garland wanted to knock him down.

Thief probably even failed at touching the princess.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #5: Silver Surfer

When alien astronomer Norrin Radd sacrificed his freedom to the world-eating Galactus in exchange for the permanent removal of his home planet of Zenn-La from the menu, he was imbued with the Power Cosmic and became the Silver Surfer.

Riding his telepathically controlled surfboard throughout the universe, the Surfer has no need to breathe, sleep or eat. He can go faster than the speed of light, blow up spaceships, and travel through time. He can even create black holes whenever he feels like it.

The point is this: The Silver Surfer is one of the top five most powerful beings in the galaxy. Yet as soon as he steps into an NES adventure, he can be defeated by a single touch from fish and ducks.

The duck cleverly lies in wait behind the swamp tree, hidden from the Surfer's cosmic sight.

Now we'll grant you that the fish are pretty large and, judging from their facial expressions, have ill intentions, but that duck. That is just an ordinary Earth duck with no special powers or abilities. And it made the Surfer cry.

Top 5 Most Misleading NES Box Art: Honorable Mention: Deadly Towers

The box art of Deadly Towers makes a lot of promises. Want to play a game where you can carry around a deadly broadsword and some kind of short halberd-like weapon? Deadly Towers has you covered. Want to play as an angry barbarian with flaming red hair, rippling muscles, He-Man-esque loin fur and an expression that says "the real Deadly Tower... is me"? Pop Deadly Towers into your NES. Want to play a game where you can walk comfortably around in white spotted leopard-fur boots? You guessed it: buy Deadly Towers already!!

Unfortunately, as soon as you power up your NES, this is what you see:

Try to reconcile the size difference between his hands and feet!

The game's actual graphics make Prince Myer look less like an unstoppable medieval badass and more like a person who would be named "Prince Myer."

Things I Learned While Playing... RUSH 'N ATTACK!

Who says that video games aren't educational? This video series seeks to prove that valuable knowledge can be gained from every game. So sit back and prepare to enter the 8-Bit University!

Badass Box Art of the Week: M.U.L.E.

Sometimes video game box art is so completely badass that it demands you purchase the game even though you may have never heard of the title or even play video games at all! Only these boxes have earned the right to be honored with the title of Badass Box Art of the Week!

If this box could talk it would say, "Hey aliens, I brought two things to this crap stink planet of yours: my space horse Gary and a fist packed full of Freedom! Now bow down before me while my hair blows majestically in the cosmic wind."

Only the most badass astronaut of all time leaves his space craft wearing his astro suit buttoned halfway down, and this guy isn't going to let some damn helmet get in the way of his flowing 1970s Chuck Norris hair.

The name of this game is an acronym, and what it might stand for is a complete mystery. I for one firmly believe that it stands for Moustache Users Love Explosions.

-Dusty

Are You Serious?!?! Episode One: Ninja Gaiden

Video games are full of moments that make you throw your hands in the air and scream "Are You Serious?!?!" This series of videos highlights some of those rage-inducing levels that made you consider pouring bleach into your NES.

Anybody that has spent hours playing Ninja Gaiden knows that this game is full of extremely annoying platforming moments. This is, after all, the only game that makes you fight a hawk, a cheetah, an out-of-work prizefighter, a pirate, a knife-throwing 50s greaser, and a hatchet-wielding psychopath all at once! These enemies are also set to re-spawn at a relentless rate!

                          

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #1: Bad Dudes

Every storytelling medium has its watershed creations. The works of art that made quantum leaps forward in sophistication. Influential achievements that informed everything that followed. For books, there was Homer's Iliad. For movies, Citizen Kane. For comics, Watchmen.

And for video games, there is Bad Dudes.



When this swollen-faced presidential handler appeared on television screens in 1989, he ripped the lid off of video game storytelling. His message was terse, even blunt. When the president is in danger, there's no time to dick around. And when things get so dire that your only hope to defeat president-stealing ninjas is to turn to random street toughs and their undeniable fighting ability, you know the stakes are through the roof.

Bad Dudes made men out of boys and men out of girls. It was a game about confronting the hard truths of grown-up life. Sometimes life doesn't go your way. Sometimes the odds are stacked against you. And sometimes the president gets kidnapped by ninjas.

There comes a time when every young NES gamer has to look in the mirror and ask that one crucial question:

"Am I a bad enough dude to rescue the president?"

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #2: Blaster Master

For all its jumping tanks, pause-powered grenades and mutated abominations, Blaster Master boils down to one thing: the love between a boy and his frog. It goes a little something like this:

Boy meets frog.
Boy taps on glass.
Boy loves frog.
Frog escapes.
Boy gives chase.
Frog gets first taste of freedom
Frog heads straight for radioactive waste left in boy's yard.
Frog irradiated.
Frog grows to grotesque size.
Frog jumps down massive hole in deathtrap yard.
Boy follows.
Boy finds super tank at pit's bottom.
Boy suits up.
TIME TO SHOOT STUFF!

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #3: Double Dragon

The great thing about Double Dragon's premise is that it really boils down the idea of conflict to its essence. No aliens, magical powers, high technology, historical figures, nothing.

Just this: Some guy socked your girlfriend in the gut, threw her over his shoulder and walked away with her. Whatcha gonna do about it, tough guy?

By the sound of it, all her ribs have been shattered.

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #4: Spiritual Warfare

Most NES games stay away from heavy subject matter. Religion, starvation, apartheid––this is the kind of stuff that's swept under the rug while games focus on high fantasy, cute animals or head jumpin'.

Spiritual Warfare is different. Developed by Wisdom Tree, the studio known for creating unlicensed, religious Nintendo games (because when you're talking about Jesus, there's no need to follow the rules!), Spiritual Warfare paints a terrifying picture of a world without God.

Not an actual screen shot.

All the residents of your hometown have been corrupted and turned into horrific, God-defying demons. As the last true believer, you're tasked with smiting your former neighbors with holy fruit, collecting their souls, and answering Bible trivia questions posed by a sketchy-looking, bowtied angel.

Seriously, is this guy related to Zebediah from Totally Rad?

Along the way, you'll wear the Breastplate of Righteousness, battle people who like to drink at local bars, and slay proponents of other real-world religions.

Spiritual Warfare, you don't shy away from the horror of holy wars. We salute you.

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #5: Totally Rad

The intro of Totally Rad sees two teenagers, Allison and Jake, seeking out the mentorship of a prestidigitator named Zebediah in order to learn his "totally rad magic." Their judgment is questionable. If his name alone didn't scream "hillbilly perv" at them, his thousand-yard stare, neckbeard and unflinching smile should have been clear warning signals. The teens speak in a strong valley girl dialect, however, so they may have been easy targets.

"I think he's totally decent!" Bad call, Jake.

Zebediah proceeds to ogle the teens, batting his eyelashes while putting them through a rigorous training regimen––"It's all in the legs!" he tells them.

Why does Zebediah's hat have a "P" on it?

After a bit of back and forth between the teens over Jake's wimpiness, he gets attacked by surprise. See the events unfold for yourself below.

Top 5 Most Confusing NES Bosses: Honorable Mention: Brain Golem

Brain Golem is the first boss in Life Force.

The first stage of the early NES shooter Life Force finds players piloting the famed Vic Venom starfighter from the Gradius series through a biological terrorzone called Bionic Germ.

At the end of the level, a normal, healthy-looking brain lies in wait for you. Makes sense; brains are the bosses of the human body, after all. After taking a few shots, the brain opens a single bloodshot eye. (Thank goodness it doesn't grow a second––taking advantage of its lack of depth perception is the key to beating this monster.)

Then things get weird. After taking a few more shots, it grows a weird blue arm that spins around helplessly because it's too short to reach you. The pathetic, futile effort almost makes you feel bad for Brain Golem. Almost.

Throwing the Controller: Electric, Poisonous Seaweed

In Throwing the Controller, we look back at the most infuriating enemies, levels and screwovers in NES history.

Few games excited the youth of 1989 as much as the NES adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Upon popping the game into their consoles, gamers thrilled at being able to play as any of the four turtles, dropping into the sewers and battling Bebop and Rocksteady in order to rescue woman reporter April O'Neil.

Then came Stage 2.

April shows a solid grasp of the inverted pyramid reporting style.

Channel 4 News is going to need to make a correction for April's shoddy reporting, because those bombs were actually set up in the Hudson River, according to both Shredder's own TV report and the most unimpeachable source of all: the game's manual. Also, there are literally zero lakes in New York City. April should know this.

Looking at the situation here, you'd think that those electricity fields would be the most obvious danger to the turtles. That assumption couldn't be more wrong. The seaweed itself is either poisonous or electric. It's hard to tell which, because when you touch it you simply die, almost instantly.

TMNT may have been a dream game when it came out, but it's certainly not known for its great play control. It's very tough to make precise jumps and attacks. At first, I chalked that up to the natural difficulty that amphibious creatures like turtles would have on dry land. But they fare even worse in the river, which is supposedly their natural habitat. It's almost like they want to taste sweet seaweed death.

And don't think you can just take it slow and steady, inching through the danger. If you let that timer run out, it's game over completely.

Despite their excitement for this game, so many of my friends were so badly beaten into submission by this terrible level that they quit the game entirely.

At least the bombs weren't in a lake.

Badass Box Art of the Week: Bad Street Brawler

Sometimes video game box art is so completely badass that it demands you purchase the game even though you may have never heard of the title or even play video games at all! Only these boxes have earned the right to be honored with the title of Badass Box Art of the Week!

In the 1980s, Mattel became a giant in the badass action figure market by releasing the He-Man and Bravestarr toy lines. But they also released some very questionable toys that threatened to tarnish their badass reputation. Please keep in mind that the below pictures are actual toys released in the 1980s by Mattel.

Working Pencil Sharpener!

Bad Street Breakfast!

So with a transforming pencil sharpener techno-jet and a muscly armed stack of flapjacks poised to destroy the badass empire Mattel was constructing in the 1980s, the legendary toy company decided to lay to rest all questions of its badness by releasing Bad Street Brawler. As the second and final entry into the Power Glove gaming series, Bad Street took gaming to new heights, allowing players to thrash thugs with the ultimate badass NES accessory. From the looks of that common street thug flying through the air, I doubt he will be threatening anyone's freedom any longer to wear cut-off muscle shirts and extremely tiny gym shorts.

-Dusty

Throwing the Controller: Eggplant Wizard

In Throwing the Controller, we look back at the most infuriating enemies, levels and screwovers in NES history.

Eggplant Wizard, one of the most notorious enemies from Kid Icarus, is also one of the few NES characters to have of honor of being prominently featured on the classic Captain N: The Game Master cartoon, where he teamed up with King Hippo as Mother Brain's most-trusted flunkies.

It's easy to see why Eggplant Wizard was chosen for the show, because he's the target of burning hatred of Kid Icarus players everywhere. His eggplant throwing attack is one of the most infuriating things that can happen to you on the NES and makes him one of the best reasons to throw your controller.

That's a classy cloak, though.

The Wizard shows up in the labyrinth areas of Kid Icarus, usually just before the boss room. He throws normal-sized eggplants (his children, maybe!?) around the room with the reckless abandon of a self-loathing vegetable. If one touches you -- and, because the trajectory of the vegetaprojectiles is random, so they're tough to dodge -- Kid Icarus turns into a eggplant with human legs and can't do anything other than jump until you go all the way back to the beginning of the labyrinth to visit the eggplant-removal surgeon. Seriously.

-Ross

Badass Box Art of the Week: Clash at Demonhead

Sometimes video game box art is so completely badass that it demands you purchase the game even though you may have never heard of the title or even play video games at all! Only these boxes have earned the right to be honored with the title of Badass Box Art of the Week!

When I was a kid I didn't know a single person that owned this game. In fact, I don't even remember seeing this on store shelves. Now this could be because it was shoved aside in favor of major releases like Super Mario Bros. 3, but more likely it was because store owners were so terrified by the imagery presented on the cover of this box that they kept the game locked securely in a doomsday bunker. Now imagine you are shown three game boxes and you have to choose one game to buy. Remember, these games run like $50 and you are ten years old so this is a major investment.

What kid in their right mind is going to chose a game featuring a shifty eyed mouse cop or a flying plumber squirrel over a game that shows an intergalactic badass rescuing a super hot space babe from horrific interplanetary demon creatures!?

-Dusty