Friday, July 27, 2012

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #3: Double Dragon

The great thing about Double Dragon's premise is that it really boils down the idea of conflict to its essence. No aliens, magical powers, high technology, historical figures, nothing.

Just this: Some guy socked your girlfriend in the gut, threw her over his shoulder and walked away with her. Whatcha gonna do about it, tough guy?

By the sound of it, all her ribs have been shattered.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Real Advice From Mr. T #4

"Would Calvin Klein, Bill Blass or Gloria Vanderbilt wear clothes with your name on it? No! So you table the label, and wear your own name!"

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Reno Riggins

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

Today's honoree: Reno Riggins.

With his bushy mullet and lack of offensive firepower, one might first mistake Reno Riggins for the legendary Dale Wolfe. However, upon closer inspection, the two couldn't be more different. For one thing, Riggins had a flashy fashion sense (see above photo) on par with the likes of Koko B. Ware or Marty Jannetty.

Neon jacket over plum tights? Riggins obviously didn't spend any more time selecting his wardrobe than he did learning how not to perform any offensive maneuvers during a match.

His clash of styles with Rick "The Model" Martel, who, as befit his second career, favored a more restrained cardigan-and-sunglasses look, led to an epic confrontation in which Martel dominated while Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura debated the finer points of Harvard fashion.

The other difference between Reno Riggins and Dale Wolfe? Dale is a down-home country boy, but Riggins is an intellectual.

Perhaps seeing how Ted DiBiase's friendship with Donald Trump paid dividends for the Million-Dollar Man's WWF career, Riggins took it upon himself to read Trump's beloved 1990 tome of business secrets, Surviving at the Top, while wearing a fancy robe.

Unfortunately for Reno, this was a case of putting the cart before the horse––he would have been better served reading a book called Getting to the Top in the First Place or Coming to Terms With Your Place at the Bottom.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E2: Deadly Lady

Jessica Fletcher invites a man she knows is only pretending to be a hobo into her home and gives him her dead husband's favorite pipe. Later, that man, who was in actuality a cosmetics mogul who'd been faking his death, is murdered for real by a "fortune hunter" played by Tom Zarek from Battlestar Galactica.