Thursday, January 23, 2014

That's So Punisher #13

Shooting bullets that turn into knives! 

The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Porkchop Cash

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

Today's honoree: Porkchop Cash.

History books say little about the man known only as Porkchop Cash. Where did he come from? Who is he the boss of? And is his name a reference to his facial hair or his favorite food?

In his only televised WWF appearance, Cash had the dubious honor of facing off with newly crowned Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior. It was a great opportunity, but the match quickly turned sour for Cash. After trying to strike the Warrior's rock hard abs a couple of times to no effect, Cash made the cardinal mistake of looking away before giving it one last shot. The Warrior illegally moved the belt over the targeted area, Cash hurt his hand by punching it, and that was all she wrote.

Imagine how different history might have been if the Warrior hadn't cheated at the start of that bout. Cash wins the IC title. Goes on to face Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6. Unifies the titles. Begins the reign of Porkamania.

Sorry for the watermark. But if you could watermark this yourself, you know you would.

Or maybe he would have lost anyway. The world will never know.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E18: Footnote to Murder

Jessica hops on down to New York City to meet her poet pal Horace—an inveterate sot whose constant drinking is laughed off by his friends, even when it later gets him accused of a crime1—for a pre-literary awards show soiree. The only word to describe the party? Catty. Everyone’s trying to start drama, and for the first and last time ever, Jessica gets bigtimed by a publisher who doesn’t see her as a literary star.

Meanwhile, an umbrella mix-up precedes a deluge of unfortunate events, leading to haughty womanizer Hemsley Post being stabbed to death. Jessica saves Horace from suspicion when, after examining a suspicious pair of spectacles, she realizes they must belong to the superfan in the hotel lobby, who must be the younger sister of an Army veteran, who must have actually written the latest book published by the victim, who must have accidentally impaled himself on the blade hidden inside an antique umbrella, which must have been mistakenly taken from the party by the victim, who must have left her glasses at the crime scene. Easy open, easy shut.

Years before joining the show full time as Sheriff Mort, actor Ron Masak guest stars as a police detective who does nothing of consequence. His character has a different name, but that sounds a lot like Mort to me.

New York City Danger Watch: A police station mix-up leaves Horace fighting off the illicit affections of a group of women wearing knee-high boots and homemade headbands—prostitutes, doy—who are being marched into a courtroom to be charged.

1. murder