Monday, February 25, 2013

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E9: Murder Takes a Curtain Call

When a Soviet security agent is stabbed at the ballet, Jessica Fletcher must navigate the treacherous minefields of communist intrigue and jingoistic sentiment in order to find his killer. Also, when she's being tailed by a KGB agent, she manages to quite easily turn the tables on her highly trained pursuer, losing him instantly and then surprising him from behind.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Top 5 Most Misleading NES Box Art: Honorable Mention: Deadly Towers

The box art of Deadly Towers makes a lot of promises. Want to play a game where you can carry around a deadly broadsword and some kind of short halberd-like weapon? Deadly Towers has you covered. Want to play as an angry barbarian with flaming red hair, rippling muscles, He-Man-esque loin fur and an expression that says "the real Deadly Tower... is me"? Pop Deadly Towers into your NES. Want to play a game where you can walk comfortably around in white spotted leopard-fur boots? You guessed it: buy Deadly Towers already!!

Unfortunately, as soon as you power up your NES, this is what you see:

Try to reconcile the size difference between his hands and feet!
The game's actual graphics make Prince Myer look less like an unstoppable medieval badass and more like a person who would be named "Prince Myer."

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #1: Wildcat

Yesterday's post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry:

Wildcat is easily one of the lamest super heroes in the DC pantheon. A former champion boxer who one day decided to put on a cat-themed bodysuit (look at the whiskers!) and try to combat evil with absolutely no other gadgets or powers, Wildcat is a shockingly effective crime fighter as long as the villains he's battling don't try to kick him or fight for more than three minutes at a time.

Clearly suffering from an inferiority complex after having to team up with capable heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman, Wildcat decided to take out his frustrations by traveling to the north pole and going a few rounds with an unsuspecting polar bear.

Yes, Wildcat, the polar bear was not prepared for your left hook. Know why? Because polar bears never get into boxing matches with humans, you incredible jerk.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #1: Nick Bockwinkel

In case you didn't already know, Nick Bockwinkel is the best. At everything. When other wrestlers were grunting and stuttering and bellowing through interviews, Bockwinkel was speaking calmly and using multisyllabic words. When other other wrestlers were wearing stupid underwear, Bockwinkel was rocking classy suits and glasses with tinted lenses and smoking cigars like a stud.

Pocket squares: so goddamn classy.
When Bockwinkel insulted you, all you could do was hang your head in shame and agree with him, because he was so much smarter than you that you had to take his word for it.

And he was the only man in the AWA that could rap.

Bockwinkel's segment is at 1:43. Think about this: the Wrestlerock Rumble happened in 1986 (suspiciously soon after the Chicago Bears recorded the Super Bowl Shuffle!), which was the last full year of Bockwinkel's 32-year wrestling career. He was the seasoned veteran of the AWA at this point. He was the oldest man on the card. And he's the only guy in the entire video who can rap to the beat. (To be fair, Larry Zbyszko comes close.) The other elder statesman of the AWA, Verne Gagne, couldn't even memorize his verse. And even the Midnight Rockers, the supposedly hip youngsters, are horrific on the mic, despite wearing those giant metal earmuffs.

At 52 years of age, it's entirely within reason to think that Bockwinkel had never heard rap music before and quite possibly didn't even know what rap was. I'm guessing his limousine dropped him off at the recording studio––let's assume it was Paisley Park––and Bockwinkel just heard the beat and laid down his smooth diss of Stan Hansen in one take. That's the genius of Bockwinkel.

Bobby the Brain wouldn't just shake any normal humanoid's hand.
Also: check out the Beastie Boys-like tandem rap delivered by a mustachioed Scott Hall and Curt Hennig. Could his terrible performance and his subsequent rejection by the hot pool babe be the incident that drove Hennig to a lifelong hatred to rap??

Friday, February 8, 2013

Real Advice From Mr. T #6

"Everyone wants to be accepted by the group. But that doesn't mean you have to accept everything the group does!"