Friday, June 29, 2012

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #4: Spiritual Warfare

Most NES games stay away from heavy subject matter. Religion, starvation, apartheid––this is the kind of stuff that's swept under the rug while games focus on high fantasy, cute animals or head jumpin'.

Spiritual Warfare is different. Developed by Wisdom Tree, the studio known for creating unlicensed, religious Nintendo games (because when you're talking about Jesus, there's no need to follow the rules!), Spiritual Warfare paints a terrifying picture of a world without God.

Not an actual screen shot.
All the residents of your hometown have been corrupted and turned into horrific, God-defying demons. As the last true believer, you're tasked with smiting your former neighbors with holy fruit, collecting their souls, and answering Bible trivia questions posed by a sketchy-looking, bowtied angel.

Seriously, is this guy related to Zebediah from Totally Rad?
Along the way, you'll wear the Breastplate of Righteousness, battle people who like to drink at local bars, and slay proponents of other real-world religions.

Spiritual Warfare, you don't shy away from the horror of holy wars. We salute you.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #5: Totally Rad

The intro of Totally Rad sees two teenagers, Allison and Jake, seeking out the mentorship of a prestidigitator named Zebediah in order to learn his "totally rad magic." Their judgment is questionable. If his name alone didn't scream "hillbilly perv" at them, his thousand-yard stare, neckbeard and unflinching smile should have been clear warning signals. The teens speak in a strong valley girl dialect, however, so they may have been easy targets.

"I think he's totally decent!" Bad call, Jake.
Zebediah proceeds to ogle the teens, batting his eyelashes while putting them through a rigorous training regimen––"It's all in the legs!" he tells them.

Why does Zebediah's hat have a "P" on it?
After a bit of back and forth between the teens over Jake's wimpiness, he gets attacked by surprise. See the events unfold for yourself below.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Murder She Wrote Recaps: Pilot Episode

"A clue!"
Recently widowed mystery novelist Jessica Fletcher finds herself embroiled in a real-life murder. Naturally, the killer is her new boyfriend, a businessman who fancies himself a modern-day Count of Monte Cristo.

More importantly, the show wants you to know that Jessica is an active senior. She's jogging, biking, or waving vigorously for at least 70 percent of the episode.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Precious Wrestling Memories: Sean Mooney's Performance Review

In recognition of Sean Mooney's recent promotion to weekend anchor at KVOA, Tuscon's NBC affiliate, let's look back at one of his early career lowlights: the time Bobby "The Brain" Heenan gave him negative feedback on his job as the host of the WWF Event Center.

Thankfully for the young anchor, Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Hillbilly Jim were there to support him. Vince McMahon abstained from commenting on the matter.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Top 5 Most Confusing NES Bosses: Honorable Mention: Brain Golem

Brain Golem is the first boss in Life Force.

The first stage of the early NES shooter Life Force finds players piloting the famed Vic Venom starfighter from the Gradius series through a biological terrorzone called Bionic Germ.

At the end of the level, a normal, healthy-looking brain lies in wait for you. Makes sense; brains are the bosses of the human body, after all. After taking a few shots, the brain opens a single bloodshot eye. (Thank goodness it doesn't grow a second––taking advantage of its lack of depth perception is the key to beating this monster.)

Then things get weird. After taking a few more shots, it grows a weird blue arm that spins around helplessly because it's too short to reach you. The pathetic, futile effort almost makes you feel bad for Brain Golem. Almost.