Wednesday, October 15, 2014

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #12


It's the ceremonial launch of the world's most powerful and deadly nuclear submarine, but John Rambo has has seen plenty of doomsday vehicles come and go. He's more interested in wistfully scanning the crowd for hot chicks.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 19: Fire in the Sky.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 19: Fire in the Sky

We catch up with Rambo and the team as they're chilling out at Boston Harbor for the launching of the world's most advanced nuclear sub. They're all introduced to the sub's captain, who has the voice of Optimus Prime. But Rambo rudely doesn't hear the introduction because he is too busy scoping out chicks from the balcony.

Ina special treat for the sub launch, a skydiver drops down with the ceremonial bottle of champagne to be smashed. The captain ties a rope to it and swings it at the sub. But when it hits, the champagne bottle EXPLODES!

You see, the skydiver was Sgt. Havoc in disguise.

The explosion leaves a hole in the side of the sub, which is how SAVAGE hijacks it. They jump in the hole and then drive the sub away. Apparently the hole lets people inside, but does not affect the sub's underwater movement?

As a distraction while this is all happening, Gripper attacks the harbor with a super old ship (we're talking from 1700s here), the kind with giant sails and cannons.

Luckily, Rambo and team hop into Old Ironsides to do battle!
Huzza!
The captain gives Rambo a naval sword used by famous American captain John Paul Jones. Rambo swings on a rope over to the enemy ship and swashbucklingly fights SAVAGE, including doing that classic "slide down a sail using your knife" move.

But soon enough he's trapped belowdecks while SAVAGE scuttles the ship. However, escape is easy for Rambo: he just blows a hole in the side of the ship with a grenade and swims out through the in-rushing water.

A physical impossibility for anyone but him.

However, his team thinks he's dead. "I'm sorry about Rambo," the captain tells Trautman.

"Don't be!" Trautman says. "He knew the risks!" (Cold!)

So Rambo gets to shore and everybody's trying to hug him and stuff. But he's too busy scanning the crowd for SAVAGE agents. And what do you know: the very chick he was ogling at the start of the episode is actually evil!

She hops in her car and takes off. Rambo jumps into the Attack Jeep (which he has parked in the lot like it's a normal car!) and gives chase.

She gets into a large float plane to escape, but Rambo boards it too just before she takes off. The woman and her copilot, Nomad, quickly eject, leaving Rambo stuck on a crashing plane! He grabs the map to their base and then bails out himself, using an inflatable raft to cushion his landing into the ocean many thousand feet below as though he just watched Temple of Doom.

He gets picked up by the team, and is presented with Turbo's latest invention: a rocket-powered, one-man submersible! He takes it to SAVAGE's island base, where they have gathered all the evil leaders of the world to have a bidding war over the stolen sub.

After a quick martial arts battle with the evil woman, Rambo is thrown into the cove inside the island, where he is pursued by a school of great white sharks!

However, Rambo quickly tames one of the sharks and makes it his mount, riding it throughout the base, jumping in and out of the water like a dolphin, while avoiding gunfire.
I think it's important to note that in this show's animators' eyes, great white sharks are entirely white(ish).
He gets into the sub somehow and scares Warhawk and company away by tricking them into thinking flares are dynamite. Rambo chases them to the deck, where they get into a chopper to escape, but not before leaving him with a present: a ticking, conventional warhead that's about to explode!

Gripper asks Warhawk why he didn't use a nuke. Warhawk has to explain that a nuke would also kill them, then calls Gripper an idiot.

Rambo, faced with certain death, picks up the missile, which is about 10 feet long and 5 feet in diameter and must weigh hundreds and hundreds of pounds, and throws it into the ocean.

For his bravery, the ship captain says Rambo should be rewarded and offers to let him keep that antique sword.
Badass name for a sword, you have to admit.
Rambo says, "It sure came in handy," (note: he never once used it ever) "but a good deed is its own reward!"

MISSION COMPLETE.

Remember that this episode, featuring nautical adventures, is called:

Fire in the Sky

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #11


A herd of elk is grazing peacefully in an idyllic field. Suddenly, in the distance! It's John Rambo in his attack jeep! Driving at them like a madman! The elk, panicked, run away while he chases them at high speed. After what appears to be several miles, they run straight into a tiny cage. The door is shut by a ranger from the forestry service. Rambo pulls up and they congratulate each other on getting the elk population under control.


As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 17: The Doomsday Machine.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E4: School for Scandal


What looks to be a simple painting accident at a small private college turns out to be something more heinous, despite the English department chair's protestations that murder "only happens at state universities." Jessica solves the crime in time to give a commencement speech, but not before being flashed at least twice by the prime suspect, an uninhibited romance novelist.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 16: Exercise in Terror

Oh no! SAVAGE has taken a group of schoolchildren hostage inside the Statue of Liberty!

Rambo is working on the roof of his cabin when he gets called to action. The thing that's great about recent episodes of this show, however, is that we get to see not only what Rambo's doing on his days off, but also what Turbo and KAT are up to!

Turbo is driving a Formula 1 car in the desert. And KAT is winning prize after prize at the shooting gallery at the fair––just mowing down those scrolling ducks with an expressionless, dead-eyed look on her face. KAT's leisure activities always seem to involve highly violent activities. I think it's a psychological response to being sidelined all the time by Rambo during their missions.

So, after collecting his team, what does Rambo do? He makes them stand on a NYC pier and watch him while he stealthily scubas up to the Statue of Liberty and climbs up the outside of it with suction cups. He manages to climb all the way up to the head, where Gripper is holding the hostages, but Sgt. Havoc spots him from a helicopter and shoots at him, knocking him from his perch! Rambo falls all the way down to one of the statue's arms.

He is unhurt.

Then, in one of the most Rambo moves ever, he throws a rope around the helicopters blades and by sheer determination and strength, stops them from spinning. No leverage at all. Just standing on the arm of the Statue of Liberty. 

"Don't worry, kids, you were only being held hostage by Gripper."
The scheme is foiled. BUT! Days (or minutes?) later, SAVAGE announces they have a new group of hostages at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Seemed like a good scheme, why not try it again, just in a different country?

Also, we learn their motives: They're asking for a $50 million ransom with which they want to start up the International School for Terrorism. Which they presumably all want to attend themselves, since they're so terrible at it. Also, I'm sorry, SAVAGE, but $50 million might seem like a lot, but it's not going to get you very far. I don't think you could even build a contemporary school building for that in this day and age.

So Rambo rides up to the top of the tower by hanging from the bottom of the open-air elevator. When he gets to the top, in the most un-Rambo move ever, he gets knocked out immediately and tied up to the bottom of the elevator while the bad guys send it back to floor one! Gotta give them credit for the poetic nature of the death trap.

But it only takes like five floors before Rambo, with his bare hands, rips up the ropes that are holding him. He climbs back up and the bad guys parachute away after activating the time bomb, which Rambo stops by shooting an arrow into the timer, preventing it from ticking up to its last second. Apparently the bomb was running off of some kind of egg timer. This is the kind of thing they teach you not to do in Terrorism School, I'm guessing.

They track down SAVAGE to their newest base, in the Middle Eastern city of "Baghdiniad." There they destroy the base, with Rambo and Turbo showing affinity for low-tech weapons, using a bow and arrow and a boomerang, respectively.

KAT, though? She dual wields SMGs and just peppers the entire base with bullets.

I'm starting to worry about KAT.
Mission complete.