Friday, January 1, 2016

The WCCW Report: Episode 58: Everybody’s Falling Asleep


January 1983: The masked Checkmate (from the Isle of Man!) opens the show this week against “Classic” David von Erich. Somehow, as soon as David comes out, and in refutation of my every belief, the ringside area is swarmed by autograph-seeking fans. Who knew that the single line of twine surrounding the ring wouldn’t make for a good crowd control barrier? There are actually five or six uniformed policemen in the ringside area, but they seem more interested in getting involved with managerial antics on the outside than they do in stopping fans from endangering the safety of the performers. I think it’s entirely possible that no one smartened them up prior to the event.

Announcer Bill Mercer claims that Checkmate is “the man of 1,000,000 holds.” Kind of makes you see Dean Malenko in a new light. Anyway, Mercer assures us that Checkmate knows every conceivable move. In this match, however, he uses three of them. Four if you count hair pulling. To be fair, he also does a super sweet flip onto his feet to counter a back body drop, but Mercer calls it an amazing move by David, so we’re not counting it. David wins with a sleeper. Yawn.

Next, we’re treated to a pretaped interview with the Freebirds, who are questioned by Mercer while eating lunch and wearing custom satin jackets—”Freebirds ‘83-’84 Fantasia Tour”—in their Chevy Astro Van at a local drive-in. The seating arrangement tells you everything you need to know about the group’s pecking order: Michael Hayes is in the driver’s seat, Terry Gordy is riding shotgun, and Buddy Rogers is sitting in back. He has to crouch walk up to the front of the van to be seen. After Mercer bugs them with an insulting line of questioning, they drive off, leaving him holding the bag.

Now for the saddest moment of any WCCW episode: a Brian Adias match! This week he’s being fed to the Great Yatsu, “who has the distinction of having beat the Great Kabuki… beaten him at his own Oriental martial arts!” Not sure if it was a match, a pose-off, or what, but I wish I could’ve seen it. Adias actually hits a couple of moves on Yatsu, and, in keeping with my theory on the so-called assassin (that he’s being billed that way because nobody in Texas speaks enough Japanese to understand that he’s in actuality a happy-go-lucky youngster), he smiles and bows.

Yatsu eventually chops Adias into oblivion and then locks on a sleeper for the victory—Mercer calls it a cobra hold in a desperate bid to differentiate this match’s finish from the last one’s—and gives his fallen opponent a respectful bow. Admirable!

In advance of tonight’s big main event, Kevin von Erich defending the American Heavyweight Title against Gordy, no-shoes Kev gives an interview threatening to put Gordy in an ambulance, but the effect is hampered a bit by his refusal to say that he’ll kick the man’s “ass.” He’s exclusively using the word “fanny.” I would’ve settled for “butt!”

The match is fine (the highlight: Gordy pulling off a really smooth Flair corner flip!), but it’s tough not to be distracted by the incredibly thin material of Kevin’s tights, which leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. You’re the champion of this entire country, Kevin! Invest in some high-quality threads!

Friday, December 18, 2015

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #1: The Chef from Burgertime

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number one: Peter Pepper, the chef from Burgertime!


Imagine if a trailer for Burgertime: The Movie came on and you heard Mr. Movie Trailer Voice say this:

"We've all smelled what the Rock is cooking...

But this is the first time that what's cooking has smelled The Rock!"

Followed by 90 seconds of Rock being chased by Andre the Giant-sized pickles, sausages and eggs while he's chugging coffee and wolfing down fries and ice cream. You know he has the appetite for greatness that is required for this iconic role.


Not to mention that it wouldn't be the first time he's worked on a chef-based creative project.


It'd be box office gold.

Your entire career has been leading up to this, Rock. You've been cultivating and consolidating your power in both Hollywood and the culinary community. You're the only one who can make Burgertime: The Movie happen!

That's So Punisher #22

Scuttling the shuttle launch!

Are You Band Enough? Music Reviews: Stan Bush's The Ultimate: Track 8: "The Journey"




The procedure for reviewing these songs isn't rocket science. We put the tracks on repeat, listen until they soak into our subconscious, then listen some more, until they suffuse our hearts and blood. Then we nick a vein and the review pretty much writes itself.

Unfortunately, with "The Journey," I blacked out as soon as the song repeated for the first time. That night, when I finally came to, I realized that during those lost hours I had solved all my life's problems. And I still wasn't tired of the song.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E20: Menace, Anyone?


Chaos erupts at the inaugural JB Fletcher All-Star Tennis Tournament when the top seed in the men's bracket––played by guest star Bryan Cranston––is blown up by a mafia-style car bomb. While solving the case, Jessica uses her celebrity status to trick a patient at a mental hospital into giving her access to confidential records about the emotional health of the tournament's organizer––played by guest star Linda Hamilton.

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #2: A Bad Dude

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number two: either Blade or Striker of the Bad Dudes!

if you make a movie of it starring the Rock, that's how
Ever since The Cannon Group film studio was shuttered in 1994, our country has suffered from a severe deficiency of ninja movies. It's time repopulate our lives with shuriken, kunai and caltrops, and the best way to do that is with a big-budget production of Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja.

If and when this movie goes into production, we can almost guarantee the Rock will attach himself to it. It's the perfect project for him. Action, adventure, conservative politics,

Raisin' brows with Bar!
street brawling, fire breathing, battles with fat guys who look like they belong in a circus... all of these things are among the Rock's chief interests.

Bonus points if Rocky portrays both of the Bad Dudes, Double Impact-style.