Wednesday, November 30, 2016

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #22

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John Rambo puts a book to its best use: keeping the sun out of his eyes while he naps in the attack jeep.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 33: Freedom Dancer.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S3E2: Death Stalks the Big Top, Part 2


While trying to clear her brother-in-law Neil's name, Jessica runs afoul of the obstructionist mayor. In a rare display of hypocrisy, she tells him he has no authority to get involved in a police investigation, but no one calls her on it.

After a rival circus promoter is also murdered, Jess is knocked out with a chloroformed rag and dumped in a burning motel room, only to be saved at the last minute by a recently released Neil.

Later, she confronts the true murderer under the big top and somehow gets him to reveal his actions by convincing him to theorize about what he WOULD have done if he HAD committed the murders. When Jessica realizes this won't be enough for a court of law to convict the man, she has a couple of carnies start shoving him into a cage with a hungry tiger until he panics and reveals where he hid a bloody hacksaw, which is enough to seal his fate.

The episode ends with Jess revealing to Courteney Cox and her father that Neil is alive and well. The father considers faking his own death to escape from his terrible wife.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 32: Swamp Monster

Crisis on the bayou!

The locals are terrified by what they believe is a swamp monster, even though within seconds they should have identified it as simply a floating tank with a spiked steamroller on the front.

"Hey guys!"
Luckily, one of the swampfolk is Turbo's Uncle Oliver, who makes a late-nite to Turbo's high-rise city apartment call to get the Force of Freedom on the case.

What's Turbo Doing on His Day Off?
Turbo and Rambo leave KAT at home and travel to the bayou, where they quickly encounter several deadly animals
Rambo does NOT like water moccasins.
before finally encountering the swamp monster, which is being piloted by Sgt. Havoc. He tries to incinerate them with the tank's flamethrower, possibly the most questionable weapon one could choose to mount onto an aquatic assault vehicle. Havoc threatens to "burn down the entire swamp!" to get at Rambo, which: good luck.

Rambo escapes and swims to the SAVAGE swampbase,
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which appears to consist of one watchtower and one sod house on a large sandbar. Way to take advantage of the Homestead Act, guys. Their plot: to construct a satellite dish for unspoken purposes. Pretty sure that's not even illegal.

Rambo climbs to the top of the watchtower to confront Warhawk,


who pulls out a broadsword and cuts a rope, dropping Rambo through a trapdoor and into the area between the legs of the watchtower, which doubles as a prison cell.

Then they hang Rambo by his arms from a tree branch so that he's waist-deep in the water.



"If the crayfish don't finish you, maybe the leeches will!" Warhawk cackles before leaving. He does not have a functional grasp of which aquatic species are most deadly.

Nevertheless, the swamps crayfish and leeches quickly move in for the kill(!) before Rambo escapes, blows everything up, and makes it back to Uncle Oliver's shack just in time for dinner. On the menu? Crayfish stew!

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, CRUSTACEANS?
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

HUSS!


Somebody make this into a t-shirt!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #21


A young boy is being threatened by an oddly proportioned bear. John Rambo springs into action, his only weapon a hot dog. Against the park's clearly posted regulations, he throws the frank, distracting the bear and saving the boy.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 31: Terror Beneath the Sea.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S3E1: Death Stalks the Big Top, Part 1


We start the episode by meeting yet another Fletcher niece: a pre-Friends Courteney Cox. When she anonymously receives a silver leprechaun in the mail, she takes it as incontrovertible proof that her grandfather Neil (Jessica's late husband's brother) must have actually faked his death in that boat explosion so many years ago.

Jessica tracks Neil to a traveling circus, but when she's stonewalled by the tight-knit carny community, she must resort to a classic Fletcher ruse. Disguised in a plaid muumuu and heart-shaped sunglasses, she befriends a baby elephant and baby chimpanzee and infiltrates the circus just in time to see Neil being carted away for allegedly murdering a stagehand that had unsuccessfully hit on all the women of the circus the previous night.

TO BE CONTINUED...!

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 31: Terror Beneath the Sea

Colonel Trautman, on another cold-weather vacation, stops at an Eskimo village in the Arctic Circle, where he's told that a killer whale has been attacking to the settlement. He's skeptical—since when do killer whales a.) attack humans or b.) do anything outside of the water—but the chief's claims are proven true when a vicious orca starts breaking through the ice from below

The only thing he hates more than igloos? Army planes.
and destructively sliding through the village at an incredible rate of speed,


breaking igloos left and right

Has he no respect for these Eskimos' boot game?
and even taking out a dogsled. It's the most effective and tactically sound piece of villainy this show has ever seen.

After the orca rampage, SAVAGE shows up on snow windsurfers to capture everybody,

Judging by the lines, there were ice skates on those windsurfers too?
confirming Trautman's worst fear: that the orca is the newest member of the terrorist organization.

Rambo rounds up KAT and Turbo and goes to check things out. The orca, taking a page straight out of Jaws' playbook, destroys the back of their boat


and tries to get KAT to slide into his mouth.


KAT avoids being Quinted, however, by jumping onto a floating piece of ice, then Rambo rescues her by jumping onto the other edge of the ice piece, catapulting her back onto the boat. The orca—which we can now see has cybernetic implants!—begins chasing Rambo across the ice floe. Rambo's only recourse is to shoot a bunch of icicles, which fall onto the killer whale, causing it to sink into a deep depressive state.

I'm not joking.
There's no rest for the weary, though, as we soon learn that the cyborca's implants allow an evil scientist to give it stern vocal commands and chastisement, pushing it back into action. Luckily, though, Rambo stops the scientist, learns that the orca's name is Korak, and then decides to give Korak "a night to think things over."

The next morning, Rambo feeds Korak a couple of fish and instantly a strong bond with him.


The new besties immediately embark on an infiltration mission together down to SAVAGE's undersea base.


Rambo, holding onto Korak's dorsal fin, is disguised as a conspicuous mass of seaweed, and General Warhawk lets them in, thinking that Korak has a message for them. So presumably he has some way of conversing with Korak, but sadly, we never see it, because Rambo—in his only moment of weakness ever—is soon held at gunpoint. Luckily, Korak uses his tail to fling Sgt. Havoc into the fray, allowing Rambo to blow up the base and escape in a submersible.

Our two heroes share a tender look as they escape to freedom,

"Rambo love Korak."
and Korak immediately finds a mate to swim off with.

MISSION COMPLETE.