Sunday, March 24, 2013

Are You Bad Enough? Goes to the Movies! #1: Lone Wolf McQuade

To understand the badass that is Lone Wolf McQuade, you need to understand the likes and dislikes of the man himself. What follows is by no means a complete list.

Things McQuade Loves:
Insanely super powered jeeps
Local Texas beer
Impossibly tight jeans
His dog
Drinking from huge canteens even while in the middle of a city
Participating in slow motion water fights with a dangerous criminal's girlfriend
His daughter
Revolvers and sawed off shotguns

Things McQuade Hates:
Imported Beer
Hillbilly Racism
Fighting for money
Crazy little people that love video games
Overly brutal karate exhibitions
Wearing shirts
The fact that his ex wife is moving away with his daughter

Firearms Fact: Accuracy is improved 500% when you don't wear a shirt.
If the above characteristics of a film hero sound like someone you would like to see kick unholy ass for 90 minutes, then stop what you are doing and watch this film immediately. I will leave you with this quote from McQuade's best friend that he utters when he sees an attractive woman: "How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?"

McQuade does not discriminate!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E10: Death Casts a Spell

When a famous hypnotist is murdered (17 minutes into a 47-minute episode), everyone thinks his assistant, the former topless trapeze artist, is the culprit. Jessica Fletcher isn't fooled, though. She knows it was the cub reporter!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #2: Aquaman

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: AQUAMAN

Here we have a scene that's very similar to our previous entry: a third-tier, often-ridiculed DC hero finds himself in conflict with one of the world's mightiest beasts. There's one huge difference, though. Instead of trying to fight the polar bear himself––possibly because the battle is taking place in the geologically accurate knee-deep water of the Arctic Circle, and Aquaman is only attains full strength at depths of three feet or greater––Aquaman has decided to toss the beast at a group of newsboy hat-wearing poachers so they can do his dirty work for him.

The poachers, who are embarrassingly underdressed for this sort of climate, were clearly only planning to hunt those small seals hanging out on the rocks on the left side of this panel. None of them have reacted quickly enough to bring their rifles to bear (ha!) at their new enemy, but let's be honest: there's no way they could have expected Aquaman to hurl ursus maritimus at them.

The bear looks only mildly irritated.

Also, note that the text box reveals Aquaman's greatest enemy: the dreaded sun! Man, no wonder that guy's so crabby all the time.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Iron Mike Sharpe

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

Today's honoree: Iron Mike Sharpe.

Iron Mike Sharpe was that rarest of the rare: a bad guy loser. Most prelim wrestlers are generic, plucky go-getters that try to endear themselves to the crowd so that they can get a cheer by leapfrogging Mr. Perfect once or twice before they get demolished and humiliated.

Not Iron Mike. His grossly hairy body and wordless bellowing served only to make wrestling crowds of the '80s beg for good guys like the Big Bossman and Jake "The Snake" Roberts to shut him up as quickly as possible.

Real men wear trunks that rise above the navel.
Where could a man like this come from? Some quick research confirms that this brute does indeed hail from the wilds of Canada. We can only assume he was let through customs at the border because it's illegal to detain grizzly bears.

Then again, a wrestling grizzly bear would certainly be far more popular than Iron Mike Sharpe.

That's just ridiculously untrue.
Sharpe's in-ring style was simple and incredible ineffective. He mostly just lumbered around the ring like a stop-motion tyrannosaurus rex from a 1950s movie serial. His main offensive maneuver consisted of charging headlong at his opponent after telegraphing his intentions for three seconds like the first boss of a Nintendo game, then yelling at the referee and the crowd when things didn't turn out as he intended.

Check out this match against "Birdman" Koko B. Ware, and listen to Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan discuss Sharpe's prospects for stardom.

Although he never won a match in the WWF, Sharpe shockingly found slightly more success (in that he found himself in a high-profile match) in the Far East, where he even once teamed up with Hulk Hogan to form an early version of the Mega Powers in order to do battle with some Japanese wrestlers––including the legendary Antonio Inoki!––on their home turf. Mike took the loss, of course.