Friday, September 1, 2017

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #26

While KAT and Turbo catch some rays, Rambo catches some waves—until Uncle Sam comes calling, that is!

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 40: Target Supertanker

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 39: Vote of Terror

But her emails! In this portentous episode, SAVAGE has decided to interfere in the presidential election of a small country called Kai Moon in order to elect a puppet candidate seeking to curtail voting rights. How are they doing it? As Trautman explains: "Warhawk's trying to stop President Wang from being reelected using every dirty trick in the book, from smear tactics to mass intimidation!"

Good thing Wang's men are there to safely dogpile him if any tanks break into his office.
And those are just the tricks you might have heard of. Other chapters in the book of dirty tricks include:

  • Destroying all the rickety suspension bridges in the country to keep voters away from the polls!
  • Putting scorpions in all the parachutes so you can't get to the polls that way either!

"The scorpions—they've gummed up the works!"

  • Blowing up commuter railways with old-timey pump detonators!
  • Chasing down voters with manned drones!
  • Infiltrating the electorate with hat-based disguises!
  • Gaslighting President Wang by claiming that he's hired Rambo to illegally swing the election!
  • Kidnapping the First Lady Wang!

That last one was accomplished by SAVAGE's newest member: Snakebite, who was described by someone in the know as "a man with a backpack full of snakes and rats." That's his thing. Snakes and rats, living in harmony. In his backpack. Zoologists might be impressed, but we're not. And neither is Rambo.

Rambo shows up, hits Snakebite with his own giant anaconda,

The phallic connotations!
then takes him for a scary motorcycle sidecar ride

until Snakebite spills the beans on the location of Ms. Wang. Rambo rescues her and, election day be damned, she wants a ride on that motorcycle immediately.


Friday, May 26, 2017

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 38: Mind Control

Pop quiz, hot shot. Explain the plot of this episode of Rambo solely by interpreting this series of gifs!

If you guessed "Rambo has to take a break from lecturing thievious raccoons at his cabin because SAVAGE has created a mind control device that's activated over the phone which also gives its victims super strength and invulnerability and is using it to brainwash scientists at the Lazer Lab so as to steal a lazer for nefarious means and they'll even go so far as brainwashing KAT's old college roomie Lisa into a dead-eyed uzi fighter who steals the final crucial piece of the lazer while Rambo is storming an Arctic base on skis and also while SAVAGE is attacking a desert lazer installation with a group of tanks and ninjas hidden beneath the desert sands so Rambo then must deliver his own special brand of interrogation to KAT's old college brainwashing professor who reveals the secrets of mind control allowing Rambo to break the spell and then comfort Lisa," you nailed it. Good job!

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Jessica Fletcher in Peril #1

While on one of her trademark mystery-considering walks, Jessica Fletcher is nearly struck by an errant frisbee.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #24

After cheering on KAT during her "posing while riding a horse" show, Rambo jumps into the rodeo for himself. Or, more accurately: he jumps off a super angry bull, and, to the approval of the crowd, sticks his dismount.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 37: SAVAGE Rustlers.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 36: Children for Peace

With a title like that, your expectations get set at maximum. The good news? With a hero like Rambo, you're guaranteed an episode that'll exceed those hopes.

For starters, Rambo is taking a working vacation to Sydney, Australia, where he's keeping a watchful eye over the proceedings at the Children's Peace Conference at the legendary Opera House.

Classy place. Just the classiest. Tremendous
SAVAGE, having a direct philosophical opposition to the discussions, decides to crash the party. The best way to do so? Send in Black Dragon in one of his patented unexpected forms of transportation!

Parasail hang glider!
One thing leads to another, and we eventually reach the only possible endpoint of this scenario:

Rambo driving a three-wheeler while battling ninjas atop the Opera House.
This smoothly transitions into a knife-vs.-sword duel with Black Dragon, who eventually beats a hasty retreat.

I bet this kind of thing happens all the time in Australia.
The peace conference now over, Rambo decides to give all six kids, who represent no fewer than five different continents, a ride home in his plane at the same time. That's going to be a long ride if you're the last one to get dropped off. SAVAGE, pissed that the conference was such a huge success, shoot the plane down and leave Rambo playing babysitter to a bunch of mock government nerds in the middle of the African wilderness. The American kid is especially obnoxious, always trying to get the others to drink water without boiling it, amongst other survival faux pas.

After Rambo chooses the wrong moment to try to cross a fallen log, he's separated from the kids and must climb up a rope to ascend a chasm. That's when he runs into some unexpected traffic.

"If you've got a poison stinger, you've got the right of way!"–John Rambo
His problems don't stop even after he's reunited with the children—he's immediately challenged to a fight by the chieftain of a local baboon tribe.

The Chinese delegate has the right idea. Eyes closed!
After protracted battle, Rambo throws the baboon into a pit of quicksand and then rescues it, earning the respect of the tribe and forging and unbreakable bond between man and beast.

They then team up to fight SAVAGE.


Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 35: The Iron Mask

The Force of Freedom is enjoying some R&R at Oktoberfest in Germany when the mayor has a heart attack. After Rambo saves him with some quick CPR, he gets back up and continues hosting like nothing ever happened.

Meanwhile, nearby, a young German boy named Horst is spying on the Man in the Iron Mask, who is informing SAVAGE in his castle that he has found a sunken plane full of Nazi gold in the lake next to his castle. The boy sees the man without his mask, so they all chase him on foot through the Black Forest, where he trips and falls, giving himself amnesia.

Luckily, he sees Rambo in town and seeks his assistance (good instincts!). Rambo keeps saying they need to get Horst to "a safe place." The mayor offers his secluded hunting cabin, which Rambo thinks sounds like a great idea. So they hop in the attack jeep with this child, to bring him to the secluded hunting cabin.

BUT! Mad Dog and his biker gang show up on their attack three-wheelers.

View post on

Rambo turns the tables by shooting a rocket into a cornfield, showering his pursuers in popcorn. They crash and are chased away by pigs.

Rambo then drives the attack boat over to the Nazi gold lake and dives down to check things out. Have you ever considered engaging Rambo in undersea combat?
View post on


After getting lassoed by the Man in the Iron Mask and dragged behind a speedboat like a tuber (he even gets pulled through the weeds!), Rambo escapes into his attack boat and wreaks havoc. The only way to stop him? Light the lake on fire! 

Except even that doesn't do the job.
View post on
"Now I know how fried chicken feels!" That's literally what he said.

Rambo then returns to the secluded hunting cabin to hang out with Horst.

Sadly, the secluded hunting cabin is immediately run over by the Man in the Iron Mask in a tank. He's even got Rambo on the ropes, until...
View post on
After that, all that's left to do is rescue KAT and Turbo from being incinerated by a space rocket that, in an unexplained segment of their plan, SAVAGE filled up with the sunken Nazi gold, and then deliver this peice of advice to Horst: "Parents are a lot more forgiving than kids think!" before staring into the wind and smiling.
View post on

No one has ever been happier than Rambo is at this moment.