Friday, May 24, 2013

This Is a Real Comic Book Character: Jaxxon

I have a bad feeling about this.

Jaxxon is a fast-talking green space rabbit with a flair for the dramatic. The pilot of The Rabbit's Foot, one of the few ships in the galaxy dumpier than the Millennium Falcon, Jaxxon worked odd jobs across the universe as a smuggler before meeting up with Han Solo in the wake of the destruction of the first Death Star. Why Han Solo decided to hang out with a cosmic bunny instead of continuing to hit on Princess Leia or collect a huge reward from the Rebel Alliance for his heroic has yet to be explained.

Together with Solo, a space hottie named Amaiza Foxtrain(!) and a few other hooligans, Jaxxon defended a small village from the Cloud-Riders of Aduba-3, Kurosawa-style, despite his dire predictions for the battle.

The only fighter that can "KCHOP" someone with his foot.
After the battle, Foxtrain decided to become Jaxxon's sidekick, forgoing an opportunity to ride with one of the heroes of the Battle of Yavin, which casts doubt on her decision-making abilities. Maybe she was just allergic to Wookiee hair. The two of them soon travelled the galaxy, hitting all the big gambling planets and eventually retiring on their winnings.

Despite getting the last word in, Jaxxon somehow loses a verbal confrontation with Han Solo.
Forgoing the typical casual attire of the Star Wars galaxy, Jaxxon prefers to wear his bright red spacesuit and thigh-high boots, a sign that he craves the attention he could never receive from his parents because they were too busy caring for his twelve siblings on the planet Coachelle Prime. It seems that space rabbits breed just as easily as Earthly ones.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E12: Broadway Malady

Jessica braves the dangerous streets of New York City and becomes embroiled in a murder investigation surrounding a musical production on Broadway. Her down-home Cabot Cove sensibilities clash with an exhaustingly dramatic family of actors and writers, but they're able to work together to stage a scene (on set, no less!) to ensnare the killer––one of the show's very first examples of a Classic Fletcher Ruse.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Precious Wrestling Memories: The Curiously Well-Lit Dungeon of Doom

Sometimes precious wrestling memories don't feel like memories so much as fever dreams. Take, for example, Hulk Hogan's journey into the Dungeon of Doom.

Marvel at his realization of being at a place that he's never been before! Taste his despair when he spots no Hulkamaniacs at his present location! Feel his anguish when he touches the room-temperature water!

Also, something about a "real white bengal tiger"?

Bonus! The Big Show debuts, several years before surfing on his own father's coffin.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #1: Swamp Thing

In the famed Alan Moore-written comics, Swamp Thing is a being of unimaginable power, an earth elemental who draws his strength directly from the planet. That's what we're assuming anyway; we never actually got around to reading the issues that explained it all.

As is sadly too often the case, the NES version of the character does not measure up to the real-life version. The game takes place entirely within a swamp. What luck, right? That's Swamp Thing's home turf! Surely he'll be at an advantage! Fighting Swamp Thing in a swamp is like fighting Aquaman at the bottom of the ocean or fighting the Blob in donut shop: they should be basically unstoppable.

Alas, it seems that Swamp Thing is easily injured by extremely normal swamp creatures like snakes and fish. And plants. Shouldn't he be in perfect harmony with these creatures and be able to use them as his minions and sidekicks? At the very least, he shouldn't be injured by plants. He's made of plants.

Swamp Thing is stymied by Plant Thing
Here's the deal: even if he's not an earth elemental, Swamp Thing is still a guy who got mutated into a giant hulking plant beast by an evil industrialist who was after his wife. Look at the ham hocks on him in that screenshot above. He's got the tools to fight. This isn't a guy who should be beaten up by nature.

But then again, if Swamp Thing doesn't want to get the crap kicked out of him, maybe he should learn how to attack at any height higher or lower than exactly six feet and at a horizontal distance greater than six inches.

You can have him.