Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 32: Swamp Monster

Crisis on the bayou!

The locals are terrified by what they believe is a swamp monster, even though within seconds they should have identified it as simply a floating tank with a spiked steamroller on the front.

"Hey guys!"

Luckily, one of the swampfolk is Turbo's Uncle Oliver, who makes a late-nite to Turbo's high-rise city apartment call to get the Force of Freedom on the case.

What's Turbo Doing on His Day Off?

Turbo and Rambo leave KAT at home and travel to the bayou, where they quickly encounter several deadly animals

Rambo does NOT like water moccasins.

before finally encountering the swamp monster, which is being piloted by Sgt. Havoc. He tries to incinerate them with the tank's flamethrower, possibly the most questionable weapon one could choose to mount onto an aquatic assault vehicle. Havoc threatens to "burn down the entire swamp!" to get at Rambo, which: good luck.

Rambo escapes and swims to the SAVAGE swampbase,

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which appears to consist of one watchtower and one sod house on a large sandbar. Way to take advantage of the Homestead Act, guys. Their plot: to construct a satellite dish for unspoken purposes. Pretty sure that's not even illegal.

Rambo climbs to the top of the watchtower to confront Warhawk,

who pulls out a broadsword and cuts a rope, dropping Rambo through a trapdoor and into the area between the legs of the watchtower, which doubles as a prison cell.

Then they hang Rambo by his arms from a tree branch so that he's waist-deep in the water.

"If the crayfish don't finish you, maybe the leeches will!" Warhawk cackles before leaving. He does not have a functional grasp of which aquatic species are most deadly.

Nevertheless, the swamps crayfish and leeches quickly move in for the kill(!) before Rambo escapes, blows everything up, and makes it back to Uncle Oliver's shack just in time for dinner. On the menu? Crayfish stew!

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, CRUSTACEANS?

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 31: Terror Beneath the Sea

Colonel Trautman, on another cold-weather vacation, stops at an Eskimo village in the Arctic Circle, where he's told that a killer whale has been attacking to the settlement. He's skeptical—since when do killer whales a.) attack humans or b.) do anything outside of the water—but the chief's claims are proven true when a vicious orca starts breaking through the ice from below

The only thing he hates more than igloos? Army planes.

and destructively sliding through the village at an incredible rate of speed,

breaking igloos left and right

Has he no respect for these Eskimos' boot game?

and even taking out a dogsled. It's the most effective and tactically sound piece of villainy this show has ever seen.

After the orca rampage, SAVAGE shows up on snow windsurfers to capture everybody,

Judging by the lines, there were ice skates on those windsurfers too?

confirming Trautman's worst fear: that the orca is the newest member of the terrorist organization.

Rambo rounds up KAT and Turbo and goes to check things out. The orca, taking a page straight out of Jaws' playbook, destroys the back of their boat

and tries to get KAT to slide into his mouth.

KAT avoids being Quinted, however, by jumping onto a floating piece of ice, then Rambo rescues her by jumping onto the other edge of the ice piece, catapulting her back onto the boat. The orca—which we can now see has cybernetic implants!—begins chasing Rambo across the ice floe. Rambo's only recourse is to shoot a bunch of icicles, which fall onto the killer whale, causing it to sink into a deep depressive state.

I'm not joking.

There's no rest for the weary, though, as we soon learn that the cyborca's implants allow an evil scientist to give it stern vocal commands and chastisement, pushing it back into action. Luckily, though, Rambo stops the scientist, learns that the orca's name is Korak, and then decides to give Korak "a night to think things over."

The next morning, Rambo feeds Korak a couple of fish and instantly a strong bond with him.

The new besties immediately embark on an infiltration mission together down to SAVAGE's undersea base.

Rambo, holding onto Korak's dorsal fin, is disguised as a conspicuous mass of seaweed, and General Warhawk lets them in, thinking that Korak has a message for them. So presumably he has some way of conversing with Korak, but sadly, we never see it, because Rambo—in his only moment of weakness ever—is soon held at gunpoint. Luckily, Korak uses his tail to fling Sgt. Havoc into the fray, allowing Rambo to blow up the base and escape in a submersible.

Our two heroes share a tender look as they escape to freedom,

"Rambo love Korak."

and Korak immediately finds a mate to swim off with.

MISSION COMPLETE.

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #11

A herd of elk is grazing peacefully in an idyllic field. Suddenly, in the distance! It's John Rambo in his attack jeep! Driving at them like a madman! The elk, panicked, run away while he chases them at high speed. After what appears to be several miles, they run straight into a tiny cage. The door is shut by a ranger from the forestry service. Rambo pulls up and they congratulate each other on getting the elk population under control.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 17: The Doomsday Machine.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 13: Raid on Las Vegas

General Warhawk has had enough of other people's plans. This time, he's scheming up a Warhawk original: He's going to blow up Hoover Dam, then, when all the cops of Las Vegas rush to help the victims, he and the rest of SAVAGE will steal all the money in Las Vegas!

Meanwhile, KAT is disguised as a Vegas showgirl and infiltrates the dressing room of Pandora, a woman who does a Vegas show consisting of panther stunts. Inside the room, she does that classic "shading the blank sheet of notepad paper with a pencil to reveal the indentations" trick and hits paydirt: "general Warhawk eight o' clock penthouse" is revealed!

Consider this: At this point, all General Warhawk has done is ride in a chopper with Sergeant Havoc and reveal his plan. There is absolutely no way that the Force of Freedom could have any idea what his scheme is, or even that he's anywhere near Las Vegas. Therefore, the only reasonable conclusion to draw is that KAT spends all her time in disguise, infiltrating people's private property and going through all their stuff in the vain hope that they have some kind of terrorist connection. KAT is basically the primitive form of the NSA.

Pandora arrives upon the scene and sics her panther on KAT, but KAT hits the cat in the face with a book and runs away, trying to hide in plain sight in the middle of a high-kicking chorus line. But she didn't count on the panther's finely tuned senses--he sniffs her out and Pandora ties her up with her whip.

Weird screengrab, I know.

Smash cut to Rambo and Turbo flying in a plane. "SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO KAT!" Rambo yells, apparently having developed psychic powers. Turbo tries to calm his nerves: "Maybe she got tied up, couldn't make it to the phone." Rambo sends him a "that's not funny" look, and once again I remind you that there's absolutely no way they can know anything that has happened.

When they get to Vegas, Rambo makes Turbo stay to do maintenance on the plane (naturally) and goes to visit Pandora's penthouse suite, using his classic grappling hook/free climbing technique instead of, you know, taking the stairs or something.

Even blurry vision won't stop Rambo from finding KAT.

Inside the room, General Warhawk is interrogating KAT: "Tell me Rambo's plans." YOU'RE the one with plans, Warhawk. YOU! Remember? The dam? The explosion? Those plans are yours. Not Rambo's. Rambo never has any plans! He'd be more than happy to hang out with animals in the forest all day if you weren't doing anything.

Rambo attempts a daring rooftop rescue, but Pandora's panther pushes him off and he has to grapple onto a balcony to save himself. (By the way, that evens the score between Rambo and black panthers, if you're keeping track at home.)

The bad guys escape and tie up KAT in a shack in the desert, where she is freed from her ropes by a friendly rat, then eavesdrops on a meeting between Warhawk and a new member of SAVAGE: Black Dragon!

Must still be working on his black belt.

Turns out that Dragon and his crew of ninjas are going to be responsible for taking out Hoover Dam. They climb up the side (that's a huge ascent!) and take out the guards. Warhawk shows up and it's the first time I've ever seen him happy about anything! "You can always count on Black Dragon," he smiles. You hear that, Gripper? You're about to be put on a performance improvement plan.

By the way, how many evil black ninjas does it take to set up a bomb in Hoover Dam? Four. Four evil black ninjas. But it only takes one John Rambo to lug it back up to the top of the dam in less than a minute and throw it into the lake just feet away from the dam, where it explodes harmlessly.

His intricate plan foiled, Warhawk just plain decides to attack Vegas with one tank and a bunch of jeeps. He goes after "the biggest casino first": a carnival-themed joint where the ninjas take pleasure in distracting the trapeze artists so that they fall during their routine.

Note the giant icy gorilla.

Unfortunately, that just frees up the trapeze ropes to be used by Rambo in a surprise attack. He then blocks a bunch of thrown ninja stars with a roulette wheel and gets his win back over the black panther by strangling it into submission underwater(!) while KAT throws Pandora into a pool. Mission complete.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 8: SAVAGE Island

Image may not represent the actual activities available on SAVAGE Island.

This episode begins with Rambo facing his most deadly enemy yet: military red tape! He's been called to a base because SAVAGE has created its own island from which to launch nuclear missiles at the rest of the world: SAVAGE Island, but the MP gate guard won't let him into the base because his credentials have not yet arrived.

So instead of doing something reasonable, like calling Col. Trautman to straighten it all out, Rambo enacts a different, more Rambo-like plan: He has Turbo take off in a plane, then jumps up and grabs the landing gear and slowly climbs on the plane while it's in flight until he can get inside.

The wind resistance from his cut-off hoodie added a degree of difficulty.

They crash land on SAVAGE Island and a tree falls through the windshield onto Turbo, meaning that Rambo must face the dangers of SAVAGE Island alone, which, to be fair, is probably just how he likes it.

The first danger? The plane has crashed into the middle of an alligator-filled river. So he grabs a vine and swings to safety while kicking an alligator in the face!

The next danger? A cliff! How to get to the bottom? Rambo simply climbs into a hollow log and rolls off the edge. The log protects him during the fall, you see.

This will do nicely.

Remember, in just the previous episode, he free-climbed down an equally steep cliff, which was also icy, and he was carrying someone with altitude sickness! So I think he was just showing off with this log trick.

Then! He's in the log at the bottom of the cliff. Instead of climbing out of it, he just flexes his muscles really hard and the log explodes. Then he does a kip up and walks away.

ONLY TO BE ATTACKED BY A BLACK PANTHER! He wrestles around with it for a bit before apologetically tying its mouth shut with string.

Maybe it's twine, I don't know.

Rambo finally finds the hidden base on SAVAGE Island and has to infiltrate it.

Meanwhile, back at the crashed plane, an anaconda is attacking Turbo and KAT! Turbo literally ties it in a knot and then throws it into the river. They get the plane fixed and take off just in time to see the launch of a nuke! KAT is ready to blast it out of the sky, but wait! Rambo is riding the nuke!

She fills him in on how to disable the warhead, then he sends the missile back to sender (by turning the dial on the guidance system 180 degrees, naturally). Even without an active warhead, the missile still explodes when it hits the base. 

Mission accomplished.

That's So Punisher #14

THIS!

(Stabbing a gorilla to escape a bear hug)

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #4: Wolverine

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: Wolverine

Let's get this out of the way up front: Wolverine doesn't hate polar bears. He's a Canadian, remember. He appreciates all the fauna of the the great white north, including but not limited to mountain beavers, hoary marmots, long-tailed voles and Cascade golden-mantled ground squirrels. And, of course, polar bears.

But Wolverine is also a survivalist. And if the Blackbird breaks down in the Arctic Circle, he's not just going to let himself freeze to death while waiting for one of the X-Men who can fly (i.e. any of the other X-Men) to find time in their schedule to come pick him up. No, he's gonna leave a trail of dead beer cans on his way to the nearest igloo city, and if he has to murder a polar bear and wrap it around himself to stay warm, then by god, that's what he's gonna do. 

Because Wolverine is the best there is at what he does. And what he does isn't very nice, environmentally speaking.

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #3: Green Lantern

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: Green Lantern

Rather than punch the bear in the face like Wildcat or use his power ring to create a giant fist to punch the bear in the face––thank god polar bears aren't yellow!––Green Lantern has chosen the classic flying shoulder tackle maneuver as his means of assault. It's an appropriately bold maneuver for the one DC super hero that's supposedly fearless. Of course, in this case, fear could be a useful feeling, since it would inspire the Lantern to attack the polar bear from afar instead of getting within range of its deadly claws.

Interestingly, this polar bear seems to have a name: Bruno. It's unknown whether he was some sort of hyper-intelligent super bear in the vein of a Gorilla Grodd or Monsieur Mallah or Ultra-Humanite (note to self: this blog needs a ongoing feature about talking gorillas), or if Green Lantern simply prefers to humanize everything he destroys by naming it first.

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #2: Aquaman

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: AQUAMAN

Here we have a scene that's very similar to our previous entry: a third-tier, often-ridiculed DC hero finds himself in conflict with one of the world's mightiest beasts. There's one huge difference, though. Instead of trying to fight the polar bear himself––possibly because the battle is taking place in the geologically accurate knee-deep water of the Arctic Circle, and Aquaman is only attains full strength at depths of three feet or greater––Aquaman has decided to toss the beast at a group of newsboy hat-wearing poachers so they can do his dirty work for him.

The poachers, who are embarrassingly underdressed for this sort of climate, were clearly only planning to hunt those small seals hanging out on the rocks on the left side of this panel. None of them have reacted quickly enough to bring their rifles to bear (ha!) at their new enemy, but let's be honest: there's no way they could have expected Aquaman to hurl ursus maritimus at them.

The bear looks only mildly irritated.

Also, note that the text box reveals Aquaman's greatest enemy: the dreaded sun! Man, no wonder that guy's so crabby all the time.

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #1: Wildcat

Yesterday's post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry:

Wildcat is easily one of the lamest super heroes in the DC pantheon. A former champion boxer who one day decided to put on a cat-themed bodysuit (look at the whiskers!) and try to combat evil with absolutely no other gadgets or powers, Wildcat is a shockingly effective crime fighter as long as the villains he's battling don't try to kick him or fight for more than three minutes at a time.

Clearly suffering from an inferiority complex after having to team up with capable heroes like Superman and Wonder Woman, Wildcat decided to take out his frustrations by traveling to the north pole and going a few rounds with an unsuspecting polar bear.

Yes, Wildcat, the polar bear was not prepared for your left hook. Know why? Because polar bears never get into boxing matches with humans, you incredible jerk.

That's So Punisher #3

Punching a polar bear in the face!