Sunday, July 13, 2014

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 13: Raid on Las Vegas

General Warhawk has had enough of other people's plans. This time, he's scheming up a Warhawk original: He's going to blow up Hoover Dam, then, when all the cops of Las Vegas rush to help the victims, he and the rest of SAVAGE will steal all the money in Las Vegas!

Meanwhile, KAT is disguised as a Vegas showgirl and infiltrates the dressing room of Pandora, a woman who does a Vegas show consisting of panther stunts. Inside the room, she does that classic "shading the blank sheet of notepad paper with a pencil to reveal the indentations" trick and hits paydirt: "general Warhawk eight o' clock penthouse" is revealed!

Consider this: At this point, all General Warhawk has done is ride in a chopper with Sergeant Havoc and reveal his plan. There is absolutely no way that the Force of Freedom could have any idea what his scheme is, or even that he's anywhere near Las Vegas. Therefore, the only reasonable conclusion to draw is that KAT spends all her time in disguise, infiltrating people's private property and going through all their stuff in the vain hope that they have some kind of terrorist connection. KAT is basically the primitive form of the NSA.

Pandora arrives upon the scene and sics her panther on KAT, but KAT hits the cat in the face with a book and runs away, trying to hide in plain sight in the middle of a high-kicking chorus line. But she didn't count on the panther's finely tuned senses--he sniffs her out and Pandora ties her up with her whip.

Weird screengrab, I know.
Smash cut to Rambo and Turbo flying in a plane. "SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO KAT!" Rambo yells, apparently having developed psychic powers. Turbo tries to calm his nerves: "Maybe she got tied up, couldn't make it to the phone." Rambo sends him a "that's not funny" look, and once again I remind you that there's absolutely no way they can know anything that has happened.

When they get to Vegas, Rambo makes Turbo stay to do maintenance on the plane (naturally) and goes to visit Pandora's penthouse suite, using his classic grappling hook/free climbing technique instead of, you know, taking the stairs or something.

Even blurry vision won't stop Rambo from finding KAT.
Inside the room, General Warhawk is interrogating KAT: "Tell me Rambo's plans." YOU'RE the one with plans, Warhawk. YOU! Remember? The dam? The explosion? Those plans are yours. Not Rambo's. Rambo never has any plans! He'd be more than happy to hang out with animals in the forest all day if you weren't doing anything.

Rambo attempts a daring rooftop rescue, but Pandora's panther pushes him off and he has to grapple onto a balcony to save himself. (By the way, that evens the score between Rambo and black panthers, if you're keeping track at home.)

The bad guys escape and tie up KAT in a shack in the desert, where she is freed from her ropes by a friendly rat, then eavesdrops on a meeting between Warhawk and a new member of SAVAGE: Black Dragon!

Must still be working on his black belt.
Turns out that Dragon and his crew of ninjas are going to be responsible for taking out Hoover Dam. They climb up the side (that's a huge ascent!) and take out the guards. Warhawk shows up and it's the first time I've ever seen him happy about anything! "You can always count on Black Dragon," he smiles. You hear that, Gripper? You're about to be put on a performance improvement plan.

By the way, how many evil black ninjas does it take to set up a bomb in Hoover Dam? Four. Four evil black ninjas. But it only takes one John Rambo to lug it back up to the top of the dam in less than a minute and throw it into the lake just feet away from the dam, where it explodes harmlessly.

His intricate plan foiled, Warhawk just plain decides to attack Vegas with one tank and a bunch of jeeps. He goes after "the biggest casino first": a carnival-themed joint where the ninjas take pleasure in distracting the trapeze artists so that they fall during their routine.

Note the giant icy gorilla.
Unfortunately, that just frees up the trapeze ropes to be used by Rambo in a surprise attack. He then blocks a bunch of thrown ninja stars with a roulette wheel and gets his win back over the black panther by strangling it into submission underwater(!) while KAT throws Pandora into a pool. Mission complete.

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