Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 3: Battlefield Bronx

If you're anything like me, you've always wanted to see how John Rambo would fare in an urban combat environment. Well, it seems like the producers of Rambo: The Force of Freedom had the same idea, because they wasted no time in getting Rambo out of the biological jungle and into the concrete one.

The beginning of this episode sees President Mean Gene of Tierra Libre flying in a chopper with his kidnapping bait/daughter to the headquarters of the United Nations in New York. They're hoping for some international intervention, since SAVAGE just won't stop trying to invade their country for what we can only assume are its precious natural resources or the dangerous karate skills of its old ladies.

More importantly, though, since he's not currently on-screen, the rest of the characters are obsessed with the whereabouts of Poochie-oops-I-mean-Rambo. "I don't know [where he is]," Trautman says with a stoic look in his eye, "but I know he'll be there when you need him."

Sadly, we don't get to see what Rambo's doing on his off day this time. But sure enough, when SAVAGE starts shooting surface-to-air missiles at Prez, Rambo shows up just in time to throw his own plane in front of the chopper like he's taking a bullet for them.

Later, the conference in the UN building has barely begun when a battle breaks out! Showing that he's no stranger to urban warfare, Rambo quickly takes a (possibly a Chinese?) flag and turns it into a roped harpoon!

But the bad guys escape by collapsing a giant stone pillar on him. Then there's like a minute of close-ups of Rambo's bulging and quivering muscles as he tries to lift the pillar off himself––while the crowd just watches and doesn't help.

Now it's time to visit SAVAGE's secret base in "the south Bronx," which looks more like a bombed-out Sarajevo. It also has a lot of rural land surrounding it for some reason. I don't think the animators knew what the Bronx is.

Rambo's only option? To infiltrate their base by utilizing Turbo's experimental new rocket hang glider. As he's taking the rocket hang glider, Turbo goes, "Be careful! That hasn't been tested yet!!" 

And Rambo doesn't even acknowledge that he said anything. Very cold.

Meanwhile, one of the bad guys is really, really excited about his booby traps, which he is sure will ensnare Rambo. The traps consist entirely of:

1. A clearly-electrified barbed wire fence that stands about 4 feet high

2. A big hole in the ground that isn't even covered or anything

Rambo defeats him by dropping a giant boulder into the pit, the sound of which makes him think that Rambo himself has fallen in. Then, when he goes to look, Rambo just pushes him in.

Later, Rambo gets chained up in a dilapidated tenement building, and a SAVAGE guy lets rats loose to run around on him!!!

 But Rambo breaks the chains after another extended bicep-bulging scene, and throws all the rats (which aren't biting or anything, just crawling) onto the bad guy, who freaks out!

Mission accomplished. This is still the best show ever.

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #2: Aquaman

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: AQUAMAN

Here we have a scene that's very similar to our previous entry: a third-tier, often-ridiculed DC hero finds himself in conflict with one of the world's mightiest beasts. There's one huge difference, though. Instead of trying to fight the polar bear himself––possibly because the battle is taking place in the geologically accurate knee-deep water of the Arctic Circle, and Aquaman is only attains full strength at depths of three feet or greater––Aquaman has decided to toss the beast at a group of newsboy hat-wearing poachers so they can do his dirty work for him.

The poachers, who are embarrassingly underdressed for this sort of climate, were clearly only planning to hunt those small seals hanging out on the rocks on the left side of this panel. None of them have reacted quickly enough to bring their rifles to bear (ha!) at their new enemy, but let's be honest: there's no way they could have expected Aquaman to hurl ursus maritimus at them.

The bear looks only mildly irritated.

Also, note that the text box reveals Aquaman's greatest enemy: the dreaded sun! Man, no wonder that guy's so crabby all the time.

That's So Punisher #1

Hiding inside a wedding cake!

Poster Pitch #3: BMX Bandits

What can a poster tell you about a movie? What's it about? Does it make us want to see the movie? In Poster Pitch, we ignore everything we know about a movie and judge it solely based on the information presented within the boundaries of the poster.

Sometimes it's really unclear what a studio is trying to sell you. They want to sell movies to the broadest range of demographics to achieve a high box office gross, but sometimes when such a wide net is cast the intended audience is left confused and unsure of what to expect. The BMX Bandits poster is a great example of this.  

Clearly all the action is taking place in the center of this poster. There is a main image that is flanked on all sides by supplemental images. Perhaps the studio is hoping I will put this sequence together and decide that I would totally love to see this movie.

The picture in the upper left is clearly a guy on a sweet BMX bike flying out of a bush onto a sweet cherry red convertible. I have no idea why the BMXer decided to ambush this defenseless convertible, but we can only hope that he is going to execute a sweet flatland BMX routine when he lands, then ghost ride the bike through the windshield.

Moving over to the top right corner, if you squint really hard, you can see a terrified teenager fleeing from a horde of ravenous goblin creatures. If you squint really really hard it looks like a pack of werewolves. Since we all know werewolves don't hunt in packs, this theory is ridiculous! For whatever reason, this picture is the only one that doesn't feature a BMX bike. I am guessing he learned his lesson, and won't be forgetting his bike next time!

Dropping down to the lower right corner reveals an interesting scenario. It appears that some kind of rad dude on a BMX bike is jousting a pair of sharply dressed salesmen.

The final corner picture is self explanatory. Just a bunch of kids getting ready for the race. It could be that the other three dudes are on their way to this race and ran into a few "obstacles" along the way.

The center image is really in your face and over the top, featuring a young Nicole Kidman and two of her best BMX bros soaring away from a speeding car on their magical BMX bikes. This is the kind of thing I imagined I could do if only my parents had bought me that sweet Predator or Dyno bike when I was ten.

So apparently if you love ambushing convertibles, angry goblin creatures, jousting and flying on magical BMX bikes with your BFFs, this movie is for you! I enjoy at least three of those things so I better check this one out.

-Dusty