Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 3: Battlefield Bronx

If you're anything like me, you've always wanted to see how John Rambo would fare in an urban combat environment. Well, it seems like the producers of Rambo: The Force of Freedom had the same idea, because they wasted no time in getting Rambo out of the biological jungle and into the concrete one.

The beginning of this episode sees President Mean Gene of Tierra Libre flying in a chopper with his kidnapping bait/daughter to the headquarters of the United Nations in New York. They're hoping for some international intervention, since SAVAGE just won't stop trying to invade their country for what we can only assume are its precious natural resources or the dangerous karate skills of its old ladies.

More importantly, though, since he's not currently on-screen, the rest of the characters are obsessed with the whereabouts of Poochie-oops-I-mean-Rambo. "I don't know [where he is]," Trautman says with a stoic look in his eye, "but I know he'll be there when you need him."

Sadly, we don't get to see what Rambo's doing on his off day this time. But sure enough, when SAVAGE starts shooting surface-to-air missiles at Prez, Rambo shows up just in time to throw his own plane in front of the chopper like he's taking a bullet for them.

Later, the conference in the UN building has barely begun when a battle breaks out! Showing that he's no stranger to urban warfare, Rambo quickly takes a (possibly a Chinese?) flag and turns it into a roped harpoon!

But the bad guys escape by collapsing a giant stone pillar on him. Then there's like a minute of close-ups of Rambo's bulging and quivering muscles as he tries to lift the pillar off himself––while the crowd just watches and doesn't help.

Now it's time to visit SAVAGE's secret base in "the south Bronx," which looks more like a bombed-out Sarajevo. It also has a lot of rural land surrounding it for some reason. I don't think the animators knew what the Bronx is.

Rambo's only option? To infiltrate their base by utilizing Turbo's experimental new rocket hang glider. As he's taking the rocket hang glider, Turbo goes, "Be careful! That hasn't been tested yet!!" 

And Rambo doesn't even acknowledge that he said anything. Very cold.

Meanwhile, one of the bad guys is really, really excited about his booby traps, which he is sure will ensnare Rambo. The traps consist entirely of:

1. A clearly-electrified barbed wire fence that stands about 4 feet high

2. A big hole in the ground that isn't even covered or anything

Rambo defeats him by dropping a giant boulder into the pit, the sound of which makes him think that Rambo himself has fallen in. Then, when he goes to look, Rambo just pushes him in.

Later, Rambo gets chained up in a dilapidated tenement building, and a SAVAGE guy lets rats loose to run around on him!!!

 But Rambo breaks the chains after another extended bicep-bulging scene, and throws all the rats (which aren't biting or anything, just crawling) onto the bad guy, who freaks out!
Mission accomplished. This is still the best show ever.


  1. Question: when does Rambo choose to wear the jeans and cutoff hoodie as opposed to shirtless with dark pants?

  2. Good observation. I had assumed it was his cold weather gear, but it was summer in the Bronx...