The WCCW Report: Episode 58: Everybody’s Falling Asleep

January 1983: The masked Checkmate (from the Isle of Man!) opens the show this week against “Classic” David von Erich. Somehow, as soon as David comes out, and in refutation of my every belief, the ringside area is swarmed by autograph-seeking fans. Who knew that the single line of twine surrounding the ring wouldn’t make for a good crowd control barrier? There are actually five or six uniformed policemen in the ringside area, but they seem more interested in getting involved with managerial antics on the outside than they do in stopping fans from endangering the safety of the performers. I think it’s entirely possible that no one smartened them up prior to the event.

Announcer Bill Mercer claims that Checkmate is “the man of 1,000,000 holds.” Kind of makes you see Dean Malenko in a new light. Anyway, Mercer assures us that Checkmate knows every conceivable move. In this match, however, he uses three of them. Four if you count hair pulling. To be fair, he also does a super sweet flip onto his feet to counter a back body drop, but Mercer calls it an amazing move by David, so we’re not counting it. David wins with a sleeper. Yawn.

Next, we’re treated to a pretaped interview with the Freebirds, who are questioned by Mercer while eating lunch and wearing custom satin jackets—”Freebirds ‘83-’84 Fantasia Tour”—in their Chevy Astro Van at a local drive-in. The seating arrangement tells you everything you need to know about the group’s pecking order: Michael Hayes is in the driver’s seat, Terry Gordy is riding shotgun, and Buddy Rogers is sitting in back. He has to crouch walk up to the front of the van to be seen. After Mercer bugs them with an insulting line of questioning, they drive off, leaving him holding the bag.

Now for the saddest moment of any WCCW episode: a Brian Adias match! This week he’s being fed to the Great Yatsu, “who has the distinction of having beat the Great Kabuki… beaten him at his own Oriental martial arts!” Not sure if it was a match, a pose-off, or what, but I wish I could’ve seen it. Adias actually hits a couple of moves on Yatsu, and, in keeping with my theory on the so-called assassin (that he’s being billed that way because nobody in Texas speaks enough Japanese to understand that he’s in actuality a happy-go-lucky youngster), he smiles and bows.

Yatsu eventually chops Adias into oblivion and then locks on a sleeper for the victory—Mercer calls it a cobra hold in a desperate bid to differentiate this match’s finish from the last one’s—and gives his fallen opponent a respectful bow. Admirable!

In advance of tonight’s big main event, Kevin von Erich defending the American Heavyweight Title against Gordy, no-shoes Kev gives an interview threatening to put Gordy in an ambulance, but the effect is hampered a bit by his refusal to say that he’ll kick the man’s “ass.” He’s exclusively using the word “fanny.” I would’ve settled for “butt!”

The match is fine (the highlight: Gordy pulling off a really smooth Flair corner flip!), but it’s tough not to be distracted by the incredibly thin material of Kevin’s tights, which leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. You’re the champion of this entire country, Kevin! Invest in some high-quality threads!

The WCCW Report: Episode 57: Enter the Yatsu

January 1983: We kick things off this week with the debut of another mysterious and deadly competitor from the Orient: The Great Yatsu, who’s decked out in a gi (of course) and brandishes a wooden samurai practice sword. Ever notice how there are never any modern Japanese men in the world of classic pro wrestling? They’re always historical martial arts enthusiasts. Thank god they can find work somewhere, even if it’s not their home country. No wonder they’re in such a bad mood all the time, though. I would be too, if my choice of lifestyle made it impossible for me to get a job in my own home country. Kind of makes you wonder if Japanese pro wrestling leagues are full of Americans who are into flagpole sitting and swing dancing.

And what better way to welcome Yatsu to America than by putting him up against the Samoan (from Samoa!), the least dangerous opponent he could possibly fight! Announcer Bill Mercer (and Yatsu’s manager, who claims he had to spend a lot of silver bars to even get the man into the country. Visa issues, we assume) keep referring to “the dreaded” Yatsu as “The Oriental Assassin” and talking up his nefarious deeds. But judging by Yatsu’s facial expressions, body language and general temperament, he’s clearly a good natured youth who’s having the time of his life in America. You should see the joy on his face after he gently puts the Samoan away with the Million Dollar Dream (or “sleep hold,” as the always loquacious Mercer describes it). Sure, he beats the crap out of the Samoan after the match, but only after the Samoan sneakily enters his blind spot. And Yatsu clearly apologizes afterwards.

Yatsu in his later, more stoic years

Next up is an interview with David von Erich, who has apparently been out of state for the last few weeks. I didn’t notice, because the lack of his gaping void of charisma created a double negative.

Our first competitive match of the night sees Freebird Michael Hayes--the crowd is really on board with hating him by now--vs. “brass knuckles champion” Jose Lothario (which sounds impressive until you realize that you’ve never seen a brass knuckles match ever), who Mercer calls a “young man.” I know this is before the HD era, but come on, Bill! You can see the wrinkles on his face! And his male pattern baldness! The match ends when the other Freebirds come to the ring and attack Lothario to the tune of a thunderous “Go Home Freebirds!” chant from the crowd. That’s a new one.

Next: Another interview with King Kong Bundy, this one appearing to take place in a classicly styled wooden sauna. He’s got more boring stuff to say about Devastation Inc., and it’s still unclear if he and “the man” are the same person, if “the man” and “the boss” are the same person, and what the hell the point of any of this is. Interestingly, Bundy gets the manboss on the phone and introduces himself as “Kong,” so apparently that’s what he thinks his own first name is. Kong also reveals that the boss is heavy into the oil and gas industry (so...maybe it’s Ross Perot?), and may be giving Kong his own refinery by this time next year. Wonder how that worked out.

Then Bundy heads to the ring for the main event: A tag team match with he and the Great Kabuki (almost every Japanese wrestler is great!) taking on Al Madril and Bugsy McGraw. Bugsy looks like every “fun,” creepy uncle everybody ever had. I’m hoping he’ll sustain a career-ending injury soon. Or give him a refinery, too, I don’t care! Just get him off my TV!

The match happens, I guess, but I’m more impressed with the dude in the crowd wearing a Cosby sweater and a trucker cap that says “Red Neck MOTHER.” Fan of the year, for sure. And when Bundy splashes Bugsy into oblivion, that puts the cherry on top, making this one of the best episodes of WCCW yet.

The WCCW Report: Episode 56: Kerry Is So, So Dumb

January, 1983: Two weeks ago, the Freebirds screwed Kerry Von Erich out of his chance to beat Ric Flair for the World Heavyweight Championship. This week, announcer Bill Mercer finally has a sit-down interview with Kerry in the fern-filled WCCW studio. Why didn't we hear from him last week? Was the pain still too near? Did he suffer a vocal chord injury from the vicious attack in Reunion Arena? Or is it because it takes more than a dozen days for Kerry to mentally compose a complete sentence?

As he tells Mercer about how disappointed his mom and dad are, and how he was planning to win the title on behalf of "the United States and the world" (a little presumptuous! I'm sure Ric Flair had plenty of fans!), I realized that I've never heard someone sound more like an idiot than Kerry Von Erich. He speaks like an intelligent caveman who's been brought to the future and has been studying English for 10 years—he understands most words and concepts of language, but his primitive mouth can't quite form all the words correctly.

Kerry also reveals that he hasn't even watched the tape of the match yet, and isn't really sure what happened. When they replay it for him, we get a picture-in-picture presentation of his reaction—pretty impressive production values for the time! Unfortunately, when he asks them to replay the cage door incident, they're unable, for some reason, to rewind the tape for several minutes. You win some, you lose some, I guess.

Finally, they're able to rewind and replay the moment when Terry Gordy slams the cage door on his head. Kerry's commentary on this moment: "BAM! Son of gun! Man I wish had him by throat right now." The more upset he gets, the more words he forgets to use in his sentences.

In his defense, though, Kerry is wearing a very luxurious-looking fur coat. Kind of takes away from his all-American image, but who knows, maybe he killed those animals himself on one of the patented Von Erich family hunting trips.

His final words of of the interview: "When we get you in the ring, baby, I ain't going out to hurt ya, I'm goin' out to cripple ya. And I guarantee ya that." That escalated quickly.

The in-ring action this week includes Gordy dominating Von Erich family friend Brian Adias (who's so bad the announcers can't be bothered not to call him "Brian Adidas" half the time), and, in the main event, King Kong Bundy squashing, as the ring announcer says, "From Samoa, the Samoan!" You know how you can tell when a wrestler is never going to win a match? When they don't have a name, just a nationality. More interesting is that in a pre-match interview, Bundy tells Mercer that he and "the man" won't let any of his matches be aired without written permission. Possibly the tamest threat I've ever heard!

Also, hilariously, it appears that Bundy was supposed to say something else during the interview, but forgot. Mercer keeps trying to prompt him ("I know you had something else to tell us!"), and Bundy tries to cover by claiming he has a lot of thoughts in his head, but doesn't always like to share them. I think we can all live with that.

The WCCW Report: Episode 55: What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1980s?

January 1983: Andre the Giant has come to town! Normally, foreigners (especially a Frenchman!) would be booed out of the Dallas Sportatorium, but who could hate Andre? At this point, he had been a beloved figure in the world of wrestling for over a decade, and he's rocking a swanky polyester suit in his mostly incomprehensible backstage interview with neckbearded announcer Bill Mercer.

For the special occasion of an Andre appearance, the main event is something unique: a six-man elimination match. Competitors can be eliminated by pinfall, submission and disqualification, as well as by throwing them over the top rope, battle royal style. The competitors: Andre, Kerry von Erich (fresh off his championship-costing betrayal at the hands of the Freebirds last week), eminently hatable "man-child" Bugsy McGraw, Freebird Terry Gordy, Duluth, Minn. native Wild Bill Irwin, and King Kong Bundy.

The small WCCW ring looks comedically childish with Andre in there. The top rope barely comes up to his waist, and I keep worrying that he's going to lose his balance and take a bad spill to the floor.

Bugsy and Kerry (whose unbridled fury at the Freebirds gets him disqualified) are eliminated quickly. Meanwhile, Andre endears himself further to the Texas crowd by spending the entire match choking out Gordy. And when I say the entire match, I mean it. He literally has his hands wrapped around Gordy's neck for 10 straight minutes while the other two bad guys ineffectively try to loosen his grasp. After a while, it just gets uncomfortable. Stop it, Andre! He's already dead!

Eventually, Michael Hayes comes out to ringside to harass everyone––this is Michael Hayes's role in life––and Andre steps out of the ring (over the top rope, as he knows no other way, of course) to chase Hayes, eliminating himself.

So much for that 15-year unbeaten steak they advertised at WrestleMania III!

The WCCW Report: Episode 54: Kerry vs. Flair-y

The WWE Network is amazing. One of the hidden bonuses of the service is that they’re uploading a few classic episodes of World Class Championship Wrestling each week. This is stuff that really can’t be found anywhere other than in the musty tape libraries of Vince McMahon’s basement, but each episode brings back memories of when the show was syndicated every day at 3:00 CST on ESPN and I used to watch it from a tiny director’s chair with a bag of Fun Fruits after a long, tough day of first grade.

Not to be confused with WCW, this regional promotion was one of the most exciting of the early-to-mid 1980s. Based out of the Sportatorium in “downtown” Dallas, World Class Championship Wrestling was the brainchild of the Von Erich family. Most of the time it served simply to make the Von Erichs––at this point, father Fritz (by all accounts a terrible person/crazy madman) and his sons David (boring), Kevin (pretty much the only non-Samoan wrestler to eschew boots), and especially Kerry (“The Modern-Day Warrior,” whatever that means)––look like the best and most talented people in the world. But, this being the territory days of pro wrestling, a rotating cast of weirdos and scary Asians surrounds the Von Erichs, leading to some both some shockingly amazing and hilariously amateurish moments. I’m going to relive all of them and I hope you’ll come along for the ride.

I know, I know, we’re starting with episode 54! But we had to start somewhere, and where better than the episode that kicked off the rivalry that defined the promotion?

This show, from December 1982, features the biggest WCCW event to date. When’s the last time an episode of a wrestling show featured only a single match? But this one’s a doozy, pitting local favorite Kerry Von Erich against traveling world champ Ric Flair, who’s returned to town to reluctantly defend his title against Kerry after hiring The Great Kabuki to make an ultimately failed attempt to permanently injure Kerry’s leg. He should’ve just hired a motorcycle instead, as it turns out (oh snap).

The match takes place in a steel cage to prevent further shenanigans, and the local fans were allowed to vote for a special referee to keep the peace. They chose Michael Hayes, the loudmouthed leader of the Fabulous Freebirds, who have been sucking up to the fans for the month they’ve been in town. The crowd really should have known better––they Freebirds grew up in a place called Badstreet USA, for god’s sake!

Sure enough, after Kerry refuses to accept Hayes’s illicit help to defeat Flair, Hayes has a hissy fit and leaves the cage. As Kerry’s leaning out, yelling after him, the other Freebird, Terry Gordy, slams the cage door on his head. In a modern match, Flair would get the pin right there, but this one goes on another 10 minutes before Kerry finally collapses and the other ref anticlimactically awards the match to the champ.

The remaining 15 minutes of the episode are spent on listening to the despondent screams of the teenage girls in the crowd (seriously, Kerry must have been the biggest heartthrob of ‘80s Texas) and replays of the cage door slam heard round the world. David grabs the mic and I’m expecting a legendary speech, but he just garbles something about seeing what the Freebirds got him for Christmas. Classic David.

Things are only going to heat up from this point forward. I smell a blood feud coming on!