The WCCW Report: Episode 58: Everybody’s Falling Asleep

January 1983: The masked Checkmate (from the Isle of Man!) opens the show this week against “Classic” David von Erich. Somehow, as soon as David comes out, and in refutation of my every belief, the ringside area is swarmed by autograph-seeking fans. Who knew that the single line of twine surrounding the ring wouldn’t make for a good crowd control barrier? There are actually five or six uniformed policemen in the ringside area, but they seem more interested in getting involved with managerial antics on the outside than they do in stopping fans from endangering the safety of the performers. I think it’s entirely possible that no one smartened them up prior to the event.

Announcer Bill Mercer claims that Checkmate is “the man of 1,000,000 holds.” Kind of makes you see Dean Malenko in a new light. Anyway, Mercer assures us that Checkmate knows every conceivable move. In this match, however, he uses three of them. Four if you count hair pulling. To be fair, he also does a super sweet flip onto his feet to counter a back body drop, but Mercer calls it an amazing move by David, so we’re not counting it. David wins with a sleeper. Yawn.

Next, we’re treated to a pretaped interview with the Freebirds, who are questioned by Mercer while eating lunch and wearing custom satin jackets—”Freebirds ‘83-’84 Fantasia Tour”—in their Chevy Astro Van at a local drive-in. The seating arrangement tells you everything you need to know about the group’s pecking order: Michael Hayes is in the driver’s seat, Terry Gordy is riding shotgun, and Buddy Rogers is sitting in back. He has to crouch walk up to the front of the van to be seen. After Mercer bugs them with an insulting line of questioning, they drive off, leaving him holding the bag.

Now for the saddest moment of any WCCW episode: a Brian Adias match! This week he’s being fed to the Great Yatsu, “who has the distinction of having beat the Great Kabuki… beaten him at his own Oriental martial arts!” Not sure if it was a match, a pose-off, or what, but I wish I could’ve seen it. Adias actually hits a couple of moves on Yatsu, and, in keeping with my theory on the so-called assassin (that he’s being billed that way because nobody in Texas speaks enough Japanese to understand that he’s in actuality a happy-go-lucky youngster), he smiles and bows.

Yatsu eventually chops Adias into oblivion and then locks on a sleeper for the victory—Mercer calls it a cobra hold in a desperate bid to differentiate this match’s finish from the last one’s—and gives his fallen opponent a respectful bow. Admirable!

In advance of tonight’s big main event, Kevin von Erich defending the American Heavyweight Title against Gordy, no-shoes Kev gives an interview threatening to put Gordy in an ambulance, but the effect is hampered a bit by his refusal to say that he’ll kick the man’s “ass.” He’s exclusively using the word “fanny.” I would’ve settled for “butt!”

The match is fine (the highlight: Gordy pulling off a really smooth Flair corner flip!), but it’s tough not to be distracted by the incredibly thin material of Kevin’s tights, which leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. You’re the champion of this entire country, Kevin! Invest in some high-quality threads!

The WCCW Report: Episode 54: Kerry vs. Flair-y

The WWE Network is amazing. One of the hidden bonuses of the service is that they’re uploading a few classic episodes of World Class Championship Wrestling each week. This is stuff that really can’t be found anywhere other than in the musty tape libraries of Vince McMahon’s basement, but each episode brings back memories of when the show was syndicated every day at 3:00 CST on ESPN and I used to watch it from a tiny director’s chair with a bag of Fun Fruits after a long, tough day of first grade.

Not to be confused with WCW, this regional promotion was one of the most exciting of the early-to-mid 1980s. Based out of the Sportatorium in “downtown” Dallas, World Class Championship Wrestling was the brainchild of the Von Erich family. Most of the time it served simply to make the Von Erichs––at this point, father Fritz (by all accounts a terrible person/crazy madman) and his sons David (boring), Kevin (pretty much the only non-Samoan wrestler to eschew boots), and especially Kerry (“The Modern-Day Warrior,” whatever that means)––look like the best and most talented people in the world. But, this being the territory days of pro wrestling, a rotating cast of weirdos and scary Asians surrounds the Von Erichs, leading to some both some shockingly amazing and hilariously amateurish moments. I’m going to relive all of them and I hope you’ll come along for the ride.

I know, I know, we’re starting with episode 54! But we had to start somewhere, and where better than the episode that kicked off the rivalry that defined the promotion?

This show, from December 1982, features the biggest WCCW event to date. When’s the last time an episode of a wrestling show featured only a single match? But this one’s a doozy, pitting local favorite Kerry Von Erich against traveling world champ Ric Flair, who’s returned to town to reluctantly defend his title against Kerry after hiring The Great Kabuki to make an ultimately failed attempt to permanently injure Kerry’s leg. He should’ve just hired a motorcycle instead, as it turns out (oh snap).

The match takes place in a steel cage to prevent further shenanigans, and the local fans were allowed to vote for a special referee to keep the peace. They chose Michael Hayes, the loudmouthed leader of the Fabulous Freebirds, who have been sucking up to the fans for the month they’ve been in town. The crowd really should have known better––they Freebirds grew up in a place called Badstreet USA, for god’s sake!

Sure enough, after Kerry refuses to accept Hayes’s illicit help to defeat Flair, Hayes has a hissy fit and leaves the cage. As Kerry’s leaning out, yelling after him, the other Freebird, Terry Gordy, slams the cage door on his head. In a modern match, Flair would get the pin right there, but this one goes on another 10 minutes before Kerry finally collapses and the other ref anticlimactically awards the match to the champ.

The remaining 15 minutes of the episode are spent on listening to the despondent screams of the teenage girls in the crowd (seriously, Kerry must have been the biggest heartthrob of ‘80s Texas) and replays of the cage door slam heard round the world. David grabs the mic and I’m expecting a legendary speech, but he just garbles something about seeing what the Freebirds got him for Christmas. Classic David.

Things are only going to heat up from this point forward. I smell a blood feud coming on!

Professor Robert Langdon Facts #2

Straight from the pages of Dan Brown's Inferno...

Image credit: "GellyH" from deviantart.com

Did you know?

Professor Robert Langdon insists that Bombay Sapphire and the works of Russian author Nikolai Gogol should never be mixed.

Because Professor Robert Langdon is a lifelong aficionado of Italian art, Florence has become one of his favorite destinations in all of Europe.

Although most people are impressed by the sheer enormity and defined musculature of Michelangelo's David, Professor Robert Langdon is more interested in the genius of the statue's pose.

Professor Robert Langdon routinely chastises his students for Googling themselves, an act that he feels reflects the American youth's bizarre obsession with personal celebrity.

A Google news search on "Professor Robert Langdon" will return several pages of results.