Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 12: Cult of the Cobra

SAVAGE sure has been outsourcing a lot of their evil schemes lately. Just two episodes ago, they played second fiddle to the great grandson of Dracula, and in this episode, they're following the lead of Rama, the leader of the of India's Cult of the Cobra.

Not this one.
Or this one. :(
Rama's plan:

1.) Hijack a train carrying foodstuffs to one of India's provinces. This is accomplished by having three or four cultists jump onto the train and release single cobras from their bags. The train's conductor and guards, despite being armed, are so terrified that they jump off, leaving it completely undefended.

It's possible that the hijacked train was the Darjeeling Ltd.
2.) Apparently just starving people isn't enough. The SAVAGE thugs and cultists (including one guy riding a really mean elephant!) start harassing the hungry people of a local village. At this point Rambo shows up, runs off all the bad guys, and tames the elephant, which becomes his vehicle of choice for the rest of the episode.

3.) Rama and General Warhawk believe the only remaining obstacle to becoming king of India (or something? Their motivations are frustratingly vague) is an underground Indian military base. Thankfully, they've devised a totally-not-completely-bonkers plan to get rid of it: They make a cobra swallow a live bomb and then release it into the base's ventilation system.

That's when Rambo appears on the scene, riding the elephant with a little girl who claimed to be able to shave hours off their pachyderm travel time.

I believe this special ability is commonly known as "owning a map."
Rambo dives into the ventilation shaft, grabs the snake, forces the bomb out like he's getting the last bit of toothpaste out of a tube, and throws it from below the surface of the earth high enough into the sky that nothing takes any damage from its explosion.

Finally, it's time to take the battle to the Cult of the Cobra's home turf! The little Indian girl suspects that a mountain temple topped by a giant stone cobra that she recently stumbled across just might have some connection to the cult. Rambo and crew travel there––John is so enamored with his elephant transport (it can run as fast as a car!) that he even lets Turbo drive the attack jeep. Bad move, Rambo––when faced with a rock slide, Turbo says something about taking "an alternate route," but what he really means is "I'm going to drive the attack jeep of the side of a cliff and land it on a tree, leaving Rambo to assault the base on his own."

Not that that's a problem. Rambo drives his elephant right to the front door of the temple, then somehow wins a 1-on-4 assault rifle fight in which no one takes a bullet and drives SAVAGE out of India forever. High on victory, he foolishly tells his comrades that it'd be easy to solve the problem of world hunger if only people cared to make the effort.

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