Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #4: Mike Haggar

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number four: Mike Haggar!

This one is a no-brainer. Mike Haggar, a.k.a. that Don Frye-looking dude from Final Fight who wears green pants held aloft by a single jumbo suspender, is probably the most-famous wrestling-themed character in arcade history. And sure, the Rock isn't known for delivering jumping piledrivers and German suplexes in the ring,

And he'd certainly have to up his mustache game!

but we're confident he could expand his moveset (and his stachemoves) if he were to snag this starring role in a Final Fight film adaptation. Plus, if you've ever read about his diet, you know he could put down the cornucopia the health-restoring hamburgers, grapes, and giant ham legs hidden in all the barrels of Metro City.

Barbecue, the game calls it.

Now, we know that the Rock's appeal is that he isn't just your everyday strongman actor. He's got a lot going on in terms of emotions and feelings. That's why it's a good thing that Mike Haggar is at least as much of a intellectual as he is a grappler. He's the lawfully elected mayor of Metro City, for god's sake! We've never seen the Rock in a political role, but if you don't think he could deliver a convincing stump speech, why are you even reading this blog?

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #5: Dig Dug

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. Coming in at number five: Dig Dug!

For years, we've been trying to fan-cast the Dig Dug movie adaptation of our dreams, but it's been impossible. The problem: Taizo Hori, "Hero of the Dig Dug Incident," (that's his real name, look it up) is a character whose only offensive move is to jab a hose inside a monster and inflate that enemy until it explodes. It's a gruesome style of attack that should have given greater concern to the parents of the '80s. More concerningly, to effectively force that much air into a living being using only a what looks to be a manual bike tire pump must require an unfathomable amount of upper body strength, more than any actor could believably display.

But have you seen the Rock lately? Dude is stacked.

Only thing that's going to stop him is if his bike pump gets mucked up with monster guts.

Bonus: Depending on which game art you look at, this is also a bold race-blind casting choice.

Will Atari fanboys protest, demanding a blue-skinned actor for the role? We can only hope so.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #1: Swamp Thing

In the famed Alan Moore-written comics, Swamp Thing is a being of unimaginable power, an earth elemental who draws his strength directly from the planet. That's what we're assuming anyway; we never actually got around to reading the issues that explained it all.

As is sadly too often the case, the NES version of the character does not measure up to the real-life version. The game takes place entirely within a swamp. What luck, right? That's Swamp Thing's home turf! Surely he'll be at an advantage! Fighting Swamp Thing in a swamp is like fighting Aquaman at the bottom of the ocean or fighting the Blob in donut shop: they should be basically unstoppable.

Alas, it seems that Swamp Thing is easily injured by extremely normal swamp creatures like snakes and fish. And plants. Shouldn't he be in perfect harmony with these creatures and be able to use them as his minions and sidekicks? At the very least, he shouldn't be injured by plants. He's made of plants.

Swamp Thing is stymied by Plant Thing

Here's the deal: even if he's not an earth elemental, Swamp Thing is still a guy who got mutated into a giant hulking plant beast by an evil industrialist who was after his wife. Look at the ham hocks on him in that screenshot above. He's got the tools to fight. This isn't a guy who should be beaten up by nature.

But then again, if Swamp Thing doesn't want to get the crap kicked out of him, maybe he should learn how to attack at any height higher or lower than exactly six feet and at a horizontal distance greater than six inches.

You can have him.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #2: The Spelunker

Okay, so we could have used this sprite,

but you'll be much more familiar with that first one if ever make the terrible life decision of playing Spelunker. Or, more likely, if you're kidnapped by mind terrorists and forced to play Spelunker in a horrific experiment.

Cave exploration was a terrible choice of career for this guy. And not just because he's easily killed by bats, falling sand and stalactites and cave ghosts. Any one of those subterranean dangers could fell an average man. Well, except for the bats. And the sand. And ghosts usually don't have corporeal form, so they're mostly harmless. But let's be charitable and imagine that these so-called dangers are indeed a threat to the typical cave explorer's existence.

That doesn't explain how or why the spelunker dies any time he comes into contact with steam. I guess it must be hot, but come on, why aren't you wearing protective gear?

An extremely charitable rendering.

Most appalling, however, is the spelunker's complete and baffling inability to survive a drop of more than six inches. Not six inches on the television screen, mind you––six relative inches in the actual world of Spelunker.

And we're not talking falls on the head or back, either. These are planned leaps, feet first.

You can see why he chose the wrong career. Cave exploration is all about delving ever deeper into the earth, and this is a man who would die trying to take the stairs.

It should tell you something that Spelunker's spiritual successor Spelunky, which was released within the past couple of years and is infamous for its balls-to-the-wall, old school difficulty, is way more forgiving than the original. You can fall at least 15 feet before you die!

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #3: Sterling Sharpe of the Green Bay Packers

Self explanatory.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #4: Thief

Make no mistake, Final Fantasy is hard game. Saving is heavily restricted, enemies are extremely powerful, every location is a deathmaze, and, if their intended target dies, your party members aren't even smart enough to attack another monster. They lose their turn in a daze of confusion, because honestly, how could they have expected not to just lie down and die horrifically as soon as the battle started?

That said, if you really want to, you can make the game much harder for yourself. How? By making your entire party consist of the most useless RPG character of all time: the thief.

Every other character has at least one redeeming value. The fighter has a high attack power. Black, red and white mages can use spells. Black belts know karate. And the thief? No spells. Crappy weapons and armor. Low HP. Certainly no karate.

The only thing they're good at is running away like chickens. Which seems useful, since you run into a pack of imps every five steps in the world of Final Fantasy, and the battles can get extremely tiresome. But all the running in the world isn't going to help you when you encounter Chaos.

Expect to see your thief "Zzzz"ing quite a bit.

If, somehow, you're able to make it to the endgame with a thief in your party, he'll get promoted to being a ninja, and actually become useful and powerful. Even ignoring that confusing career trajectory, it's like the ultimate slap in the face. You could have been chopping up monsters with katanas this entire time, thief, and you just didn't feel like it, or what? 

No wonder Garland wanted to knock him down.

Thief probably even failed at touching the princess.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #5: Silver Surfer

When alien astronomer Norrin Radd sacrificed his freedom to the world-eating Galactus in exchange for the permanent removal of his home planet of Zenn-La from the menu, he was imbued with the Power Cosmic and became the Silver Surfer.

Riding his telepathically controlled surfboard throughout the universe, the Surfer has no need to breathe, sleep or eat. He can go faster than the speed of light, blow up spaceships, and travel through time. He can even create black holes whenever he feels like it.

The point is this: The Silver Surfer is one of the top five most powerful beings in the galaxy. Yet as soon as he steps into an NES adventure, he can be defeated by a single touch from fish and ducks.

The duck cleverly lies in wait behind the swamp tree, hidden from the Surfer's cosmic sight.

Now we'll grant you that the fish are pretty large and, judging from their facial expressions, have ill intentions, but that duck. That is just an ordinary Earth duck with no special powers or abilities. And it made the Surfer cry.

Top 5 Most Misleading NES Box Art: Honorable Mention: Deadly Towers

The box art of Deadly Towers makes a lot of promises. Want to play a game where you can carry around a deadly broadsword and some kind of short halberd-like weapon? Deadly Towers has you covered. Want to play as an angry barbarian with flaming red hair, rippling muscles, He-Man-esque loin fur and an expression that says "the real Deadly Tower... is me"? Pop Deadly Towers into your NES. Want to play a game where you can walk comfortably around in white spotted leopard-fur boots? You guessed it: buy Deadly Towers already!!

Unfortunately, as soon as you power up your NES, this is what you see:

Try to reconcile the size difference between his hands and feet!

The game's actual graphics make Prince Myer look less like an unstoppable medieval badass and more like a person who would be named "Prince Myer."

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #1: Nick Bockwinkel

In case you didn't already know, Nick Bockwinkel is the best. At everything. When other wrestlers were grunting and stuttering and bellowing through interviews, Bockwinkel was speaking calmly and using multisyllabic words. When other other wrestlers were wearing stupid underwear, Bockwinkel was rocking classy suits and glasses with tinted lenses and smoking cigars like a stud.

Pocket squares: so goddamn classy.

When Bockwinkel insulted you, all you could do was hang your head in shame and agree with him, because he was so much smarter than you that you had to take his word for it.

And he was the only man in the AWA that could rap.

Bockwinkel's segment is at 1:43. Think about this: the Wrestlerock Rumble happened in 1986 (suspiciously soon after the Chicago Bears recorded the Super Bowl Shuffle!), which was the last full year of Bockwinkel's 32-year wrestling career. He was the seasoned veteran of the AWA at this point. He was the oldest man on the card. And he's the only guy in the entire video who can rap to the beat. (To be fair, Larry Zbyszko comes close.) The other elder statesman of the AWA, Verne Gagne, couldn't even memorize his verse. And even the Midnight Rockers, the supposedly hip youngsters, are horrific on the mic, despite wearing those giant metal earmuffs.

At 52 years of age, it's entirely within reason to think that Bockwinkel had never heard rap music before and quite possibly didn't even know what rap was. I'm guessing his limousine dropped him off at the recording studio––let's assume it was Paisley Park––and Bockwinkel just heard the beat and laid down his smooth diss of Stan Hansen in one take. That's the genius of Bockwinkel.

Bobby the Brain wouldn't just shake any normal humanoid's hand.

Also: check out the Beastie Boys-like tandem rap delivered by a mustachioed Scott Hall and Curt Hennig. Could his terrible performance and his subsequent rejection by the hot pool babe be the incident that drove Hennig to a lifelong hatred to rap??

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #2: Men on a Mission

In 1993, there were two big problems in the world: urban decay and the fact that the WWF tag team titles were held by the Quebecers. Then Men on a Mission arrived.

Their mission? Bring the belts back to the U.S., and make a positive impact on urban youth. They accomplished their second objective by hanging around in the city and blending in by wearing the splashy purple and gold spandex clothing that early '90s urban youth are best remembered for. Meanwhile, their hype man Oscar would speak in the language of the city: rap.

It's Oscar, y'all

Unfortunately, instead of discussing the problems of gang violence, truancy, or drug use, most of Oscar's verses merely established the names of the M.O.M., reiterated their correct spelling, and reinforced that names that rhymed with their names were incorrect.

"His name's Mo and his name's not Joe!"

A year or two later, Men on a Mission's connection to the street was downplayed after Mabel discovered his regal heritage and began billing himself as King Mabel. It was the day the rap died. With no positive message left to spread, Oscar was laid off. Mo was knighted for his service to the crown.

Mo was also given a tiny crown.

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #3: PG-13

 
In 1996, modern-day gladiator Faarooq

Yep.

got rid of his teal gladiatorial outfit and started talking about taking what was his "by any means necessary." After recruiting like-minded individuals such as D'Lo Brown, the Rock, and Mark Henry, Farooq named his new group the Nation of Domination, donned some vaguely African duds, and gave a lot of fist-in-the-air salutes in the middle of the ring.

They were, in all but name, a racially motivated militant group. That's why it's no surprise that these guys were their next recruits:

Wait, what?

The Nation was clearly not worried about street cred when it hired J.C. Ice and Wolfie D, also known as PG-13.

But Farooq, as always, had a plan. J.C. and Wolfie had two jobs: rap while the Nation was walking down to the ring, and serve as meat shields for when Nation foes Ken Shamrock and Ahmed Johnson got their internal bleeding under control and went on a rampage.

Check out PG-13's signature rap below, and for the love of god, don't diss Farooq if you value your mom's health!

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #4: Master P and the No Limit Soldiers

The year was 1999. The United States was still reeling from the Lewinsky scandal and President Clinton's narrow escape from impeachment. But worst of all, World Championship Wrestling was suffering a huge rap drought. In the absence of P.N. News, no competitor had even tried to claim the coveted title of Rapmaster. In fact, so few rhymes had been busted over the second half of the decade that some were wondering if WCW would ever truly be funky again.

Enter Master P.

After a spirited performance of his legendary track "Hoody Hoo" on an episode of WCW Monday Nitro, Master P ran afoul of noted rap-hater Curt Hennig while throwing an in-ring birthday party for Silkk the Shocker. Hennig, taking offense that Master P shoved his face in the birthday cake and rejected the black cowboy hat he tried to give Silkk––hey, maybe Silkk would have been into it. Nobody ever asked him!––swore revenge. His plan: create a team of wrestlers called the West Texas Rednecks, despite having the strongest Minnesota accent in pro wrestling history.

Once the Rednecks released their own chart-topper, however, all questions about their geographic legitimacy were soon forgotten. But no one will ever forget "Rap Is Crap."

P countered by recruiting some of the roughest, toughest wrestlers to ever step foot in the ring, including this guy.

Who received a Master P-style makeover, mainly involving sunglasses and a camo hat.

After adding Konnan, Rey Misterio, P's bodyguard Swoll, and something named Chase Tatum, the formation of the No Limit Soldiers was complete, and for what seemed like weeks, they defended the honor of rap music against the West Texas Rednecks, even though Master P never showed his face in the ring again.

By the way, how angry do you think the ghost of Curt Hennig was when Macho Man Randy Savage later eulogized him with a rap song?

 

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #5: P.N. News

When 1991 WCW fans heard the signature cry of "YO BABY YO BABY YO," they knew a couple of things were about to happen. First, they'd be treated to a rap by 400-pound, braided rat-tailed, neon spandex-wearing wrestler P.N. News. And second, they'd be reminded of how News stole the cadence of his signature rap from the far superior "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

A self-proclaimed "rapmaster," News never revealed where he did his post-graduate rap studies, and, unfortunately, opponents like Stunning Steve Austin and the One-Man Gang never pushed for answers, so the true story of News' rap tutelage may be lost to time.

One can question his educational background, but one can't accuse News hoarding all the raps for himself. He often lent his flow––which flowed at the speed of a glacier, but flowed nonetheless––to WCW's marketing efforts, as evidenced by this semi-enthusiastic jam about the upcoming Bash at the Beach pay-per-view.

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: Honorable Mention: Batman

Last fall, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

This cover didn't quite crack the top five, because even though we all have fond memories of Jack Nicholson's Joker and it's totally badass that Batman is swinging from the P in the magazine's logo (or is that just a gap in the smoke? Hard to tell), a cover featuring official art from a game––or movie, in this case––simply can't top the glorious use of everyday dudes in video costumes we see on the publication's best covers.

But this cover still has a lot going for it. For one thing, all that smoke. This is the smokiest cover in video game magazine history. I'd think Batman was squealing the Batmobile's tires and doing donuts in the foyer of Axis Chemicals if he wasn't right up there batwalking around on that catwalk.

Then there's the fact that it looks like the Joker is wearing an over-sized Official Nintendo Seal of Quality lapel pin. We would kill for one of those.

Then there are the coverlines. When's the last time a magazine commanded you to read about Shadowgate? Probably not recent enough, if you're anything like us. Also, it's hard to believe a magazine could plug Double Dragon II and also boast of a "Double Bonus!" and not have those two things be connected in any way.

Finally, the thing that really makes this cover: "16-Page Tetris Tip Book." How can there possibly be that many tips for Tetris? Is it just the sentence "Don't let the blocks reach the top of the screen or you will lose yet again!" with one word on each page?

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #1: Ninja Gaiden

Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

Why's this cover number one? Simple. It combines all the factors that make a great Nintendo Power cover.

1. A real-life model posing as a video game character! In this case, a very caucasian ninja is standing in for the game's hero: Ryu Hayabusa. Ryu is known for his impressive arsenal of ninja techniques and weapons, such as the art of the fire wheel, the spinning jump slash, and the windmill star. This cover's ninja appears to be holding a Slim Jim.

2. Cheesy background art! Let's see, we've got a city by the bay, which appears to be four blocks deep before you hit a massive jungle, with trees that even tower over skyscrapers. Then, on the horizon, a giant mountain rises out of the sun, which threatens to engulf the earth and is casting some strange shadows on the moon.

Also, given Ryu's position in relation to the background, where is he standing? In the crow's nest of a pirate ship? On the wing of an airplane? With ninjas, you can never tell.

3. Nonsensical coverlines! "New Hit in Cinema Display"? Does that mean you have to play it in a movie theater?

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #2: Track & Field II

Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

When I got this issue in the mail as a kid, I was excited. The original Track & Field wasn't my cup of tea. Those sorts of competitions were never as exciting as other sports, like football or baseball, and anyway, the gameplay always boiled down to hitting one button as quickly as possible, so that got old real quick.

But track and field events with rocket shoes? That's something I could get into, and it's exactly what this cover was promising. Foot races would be much more fun if every competitor had radical nuclear hi-tops strapped to their feet while running on a track IN THE SKY! And if a simple race was that exciting in Track & Field II, imagine the badass spins the game must put on other events.  Shotput grenades? Long jumping over shark tanks? Lightsaber javenlins? The possibilities were endless! The coverline promise of "16 Explosive Events" only bolstered my assumptions about the game's content.

Unfortunately, the terrible reality of the situation is that Track & Field II is just more earthly track and field action. Nowhere in the entire game are rocket shoes to be found.

Upon closer inspection, the "CN" logo on the hi-tops reveals them to be connected to the Captain Nintendo "Video Game Super Hero Fiction Feature," which, to be fair, I recall being an awesome prose story about a regular dude having to fight video game enemies––such as Mother Brain from Metroid––that invaded our reality. It was sort of the inverse of Captain N: The Game Master.

In the end, I can't help but think of this cover as a missed opportunity. Consider all the awesome video game footwear they could have put on the cover instead:

High jump boots!

Iron boots!

Kuribo's Shoe!

Actually, never mind on this one

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #3: Castlevania II

Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

This cover combines the splendor of a second-rate Trojan warrior costume from Party City with the creepiness of a real skull with the stellar photoshop skills needed to make Dracula's severed head's eyes glow. The result is the most spooktacular cover in Nintendo Power history.

The glory of this cover rests in its gory details: The ACE bandages wrapped around Simon Belmont's shins. The fog machine mist covering only his feet, as though it's a Rob Liefeld drawing. The red undershirt that has us convinced the model portraying Simon is on his meal break from the local Target. What a horrible night to have to pose for a Nintendo Power cover.

Look closely and you'll even see the five body parts you have to collect in order to beat Castlevania II. They're right there on his velour cape. PS. Did you know that a ring counts as a body part?

Also: "More Super Mario 2"! This issue of Nintendo Power is intended for those who can't get enough Super Mario 2. All four of you.

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #4: WWF Super Wrestlemania

Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

Hulkamania faced one of its toughest tests in the spring of 1990, when the Canadian Earthquake (pictured) ambushed Hulk Hogan while he was being interviewed on the Brother Love show and sat on his chest, putting him in the hospital and putting his career in jeopardy. Thanks to the countless letters of support sent to him by little Hulkamaniacs the world over, Hogan was able to recover in time to challenge Earthquake to a grudge match at Summerslam '90.

This Nintendo Power cover commemorates how, using the power of a Super Nintendo controller, Hogan was able to overcome his husky opponent and restore the natural balance of U.S.-Canadian foreign relations.

Please note that Hulk's atomic legdrop is not a move that can actually be performed in WWF Super Wrestlemania.

Also: CD ROM TECH UPDATE! Nintendo Power's investigative journalists ripped the lid off the space-age technology known as "CD ROM." Too bad no Nintendo console has ever incorporated it.

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #5: Super Mario Bros. 2

Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

The first-ever Nintendo Power cover, from 1988, is still one of the best. This was the era before concept art, meaning that magazine publishers had to get a little more creative with the visuals for their covers. In this case: clay figurines!

If you didn't know any better, you'd think Mario was the villain here, what with his demonic, curling mustache, his wicked grin, his pallid demeanor, and the unhinged look in his eyes. Meanwhile, Wart looks like he just woke up from a nap and is mildly irritated that somebody raided his carrot patch.

Top 5 NES Story Premises: #1: Bad Dudes

Every storytelling medium has its watershed creations. The works of art that made quantum leaps forward in sophistication. Influential achievements that informed everything that followed. For books, there was Homer's Iliad. For movies, Citizen Kane. For comics, Watchmen.

And for video games, there is Bad Dudes.



When this swollen-faced presidential handler appeared on television screens in 1989, he ripped the lid off of video game storytelling. His message was terse, even blunt. When the president is in danger, there's no time to dick around. And when things get so dire that your only hope to defeat president-stealing ninjas is to turn to random street toughs and their undeniable fighting ability, you know the stakes are through the roof.

Bad Dudes made men out of boys and men out of girls. It was a game about confronting the hard truths of grown-up life. Sometimes life doesn't go your way. Sometimes the odds are stacked against you. And sometimes the president gets kidnapped by ninjas.

There comes a time when every young NES gamer has to look in the mirror and ask that one crucial question:

"Am I a bad enough dude to rescue the president?"