Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #1: Nick Bockwinkel

In case you didn't already know, Nick Bockwinkel is the best. At everything. When other wrestlers were grunting and stuttering and bellowing through interviews, Bockwinkel was speaking calmly and using multisyllabic words. When other other wrestlers were wearing stupid underwear, Bockwinkel was rocking classy suits and glasses with tinted lenses and smoking cigars like a stud.

Pocket squares: so goddamn classy.

When Bockwinkel insulted you, all you could do was hang your head in shame and agree with him, because he was so much smarter than you that you had to take his word for it.

And he was the only man in the AWA that could rap.

Bockwinkel's segment is at 1:43. Think about this: the Wrestlerock Rumble happened in 1986 (suspiciously soon after the Chicago Bears recorded the Super Bowl Shuffle!), which was the last full year of Bockwinkel's 32-year wrestling career. He was the seasoned veteran of the AWA at this point. He was the oldest man on the card. And he's the only guy in the entire video who can rap to the beat. (To be fair, Larry Zbyszko comes close.) The other elder statesman of the AWA, Verne Gagne, couldn't even memorize his verse. And even the Midnight Rockers, the supposedly hip youngsters, are horrific on the mic, despite wearing those giant metal earmuffs.

At 52 years of age, it's entirely within reason to think that Bockwinkel had never heard rap music before and quite possibly didn't even know what rap was. I'm guessing his limousine dropped him off at the recording studio––let's assume it was Paisley Park––and Bockwinkel just heard the beat and laid down his smooth diss of Stan Hansen in one take. That's the genius of Bockwinkel.

Bobby the Brain wouldn't just shake any normal humanoid's hand.

Also: check out the Beastie Boys-like tandem rap delivered by a mustachioed Scott Hall and Curt Hennig. Could his terrible performance and his subsequent rejection by the hot pool babe be the incident that drove Hennig to a lifelong hatred to rap??

Top 5 Rapping Wrestlers: #4: Master P and the No Limit Soldiers

The year was 1999. The United States was still reeling from the Lewinsky scandal and President Clinton's narrow escape from impeachment. But worst of all, World Championship Wrestling was suffering a huge rap drought. In the absence of P.N. News, no competitor had even tried to claim the coveted title of Rapmaster. In fact, so few rhymes had been busted over the second half of the decade that some were wondering if WCW would ever truly be funky again.

Enter Master P.

After a spirited performance of his legendary track "Hoody Hoo" on an episode of WCW Monday Nitro, Master P ran afoul of noted rap-hater Curt Hennig while throwing an in-ring birthday party for Silkk the Shocker. Hennig, taking offense that Master P shoved his face in the birthday cake and rejected the black cowboy hat he tried to give Silkk––hey, maybe Silkk would have been into it. Nobody ever asked him!––swore revenge. His plan: create a team of wrestlers called the West Texas Rednecks, despite having the strongest Minnesota accent in pro wrestling history.

Once the Rednecks released their own chart-topper, however, all questions about their geographic legitimacy were soon forgotten. But no one will ever forget "Rap Is Crap."

P countered by recruiting some of the roughest, toughest wrestlers to ever step foot in the ring, including this guy.

Who received a Master P-style makeover, mainly involving sunglasses and a camo hat.

After adding Konnan, Rey Misterio, P's bodyguard Swoll, and something named Chase Tatum, the formation of the No Limit Soldiers was complete, and for what seemed like weeks, they defended the honor of rap music against the West Texas Rednecks, even though Master P never showed his face in the ring again.

By the way, how angry do you think the ghost of Curt Hennig was when Macho Man Randy Savage later eulogized him with a rap song?