Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #2: A Bad Dude

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number two: either Blade or Striker of the Bad Dudes!

if you make a movie of it starring the Rock, that's how

Ever since The Cannon Group film studio was shuttered in 1994, our country has suffered from a severe deficiency of ninja movies. It's time repopulate our lives with shuriken, kunai and caltrops, and the best way to do that is with a big-budget production of Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja.

If and when this movie goes into production, we can almost guarantee the Rock will attach himself to it. It's the perfect project for him. Action, adventure, conservative politics,

Raisin' brows with Bar!

street brawling, fire breathing, battles with fat guys who look like they belong in a circus... all of these things are among the Rock's chief interests.

Bonus points if Rocky portrays both of the Bad Dudes, Double Impact-style.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 13: Raid on Las Vegas

General Warhawk has had enough of other people's plans. This time, he's scheming up a Warhawk original: He's going to blow up Hoover Dam, then, when all the cops of Las Vegas rush to help the victims, he and the rest of SAVAGE will steal all the money in Las Vegas!

Meanwhile, KAT is disguised as a Vegas showgirl and infiltrates the dressing room of Pandora, a woman who does a Vegas show consisting of panther stunts. Inside the room, she does that classic "shading the blank sheet of notepad paper with a pencil to reveal the indentations" trick and hits paydirt: "general Warhawk eight o' clock penthouse" is revealed!

Consider this: At this point, all General Warhawk has done is ride in a chopper with Sergeant Havoc and reveal his plan. There is absolutely no way that the Force of Freedom could have any idea what his scheme is, or even that he's anywhere near Las Vegas. Therefore, the only reasonable conclusion to draw is that KAT spends all her time in disguise, infiltrating people's private property and going through all their stuff in the vain hope that they have some kind of terrorist connection. KAT is basically the primitive form of the NSA.

Pandora arrives upon the scene and sics her panther on KAT, but KAT hits the cat in the face with a book and runs away, trying to hide in plain sight in the middle of a high-kicking chorus line. But she didn't count on the panther's finely tuned senses--he sniffs her out and Pandora ties her up with her whip.

Weird screengrab, I know.

Smash cut to Rambo and Turbo flying in a plane. "SOMETHING'S HAPPENED TO KAT!" Rambo yells, apparently having developed psychic powers. Turbo tries to calm his nerves: "Maybe she got tied up, couldn't make it to the phone." Rambo sends him a "that's not funny" look, and once again I remind you that there's absolutely no way they can know anything that has happened.

When they get to Vegas, Rambo makes Turbo stay to do maintenance on the plane (naturally) and goes to visit Pandora's penthouse suite, using his classic grappling hook/free climbing technique instead of, you know, taking the stairs or something.

Even blurry vision won't stop Rambo from finding KAT.

Inside the room, General Warhawk is interrogating KAT: "Tell me Rambo's plans." YOU'RE the one with plans, Warhawk. YOU! Remember? The dam? The explosion? Those plans are yours. Not Rambo's. Rambo never has any plans! He'd be more than happy to hang out with animals in the forest all day if you weren't doing anything.

Rambo attempts a daring rooftop rescue, but Pandora's panther pushes him off and he has to grapple onto a balcony to save himself. (By the way, that evens the score between Rambo and black panthers, if you're keeping track at home.)

The bad guys escape and tie up KAT in a shack in the desert, where she is freed from her ropes by a friendly rat, then eavesdrops on a meeting between Warhawk and a new member of SAVAGE: Black Dragon!

Must still be working on his black belt.

Turns out that Dragon and his crew of ninjas are going to be responsible for taking out Hoover Dam. They climb up the side (that's a huge ascent!) and take out the guards. Warhawk shows up and it's the first time I've ever seen him happy about anything! "You can always count on Black Dragon," he smiles. You hear that, Gripper? You're about to be put on a performance improvement plan.

By the way, how many evil black ninjas does it take to set up a bomb in Hoover Dam? Four. Four evil black ninjas. But it only takes one John Rambo to lug it back up to the top of the dam in less than a minute and throw it into the lake just feet away from the dam, where it explodes harmlessly.

His intricate plan foiled, Warhawk just plain decides to attack Vegas with one tank and a bunch of jeeps. He goes after "the biggest casino first": a carnival-themed joint where the ninjas take pleasure in distracting the trapeze artists so that they fall during their routine.

Note the giant icy gorilla.

Unfortunately, that just frees up the trapeze ropes to be used by Rambo in a surprise attack. He then blocks a bunch of thrown ninja stars with a roulette wheel and gets his win back over the black panther by strangling it into submission underwater(!) while KAT throws Pandora into a pool. Mission complete.

That's So Punisher #16

Enrolling at Ninja Training Camp!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #8: Ernie Reyes Jr.

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

Ernie Reyes Jr. appeared on the cover of Inside Karate no fewer than four times over the course of its publication. This one makes our list, however, because it's the only cover to capture Ernie (who, as you know, went on to star in Surf Ninjas, TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze, and the wildly underrated The Rundown) in the midst of an attempted murder. Such a shame to get bloodstains on that sweet camouflage karate gi, though.

In honor of the most amazing Point-Counterpoint topic we've ever seen, we held our own session, which we hope lives up to high standard of IK editorial content.

Ross: Point. It's good that the Ninja have Secret Strategies. It would be very un-ninja-like for them to reveal their strategies to the world and their enemies.

Dusty: Counterpoint. Inside Karate is doing society a favor by blowing the lid off of the Secret Strategies held by the Ninjas. No longer will the world's entire population need to walk in fear of a secretly strategic ninja attack.

Ross: Point. Even if civilians learn the Secret Strategies, what good will it do them? The Ninja have perfected them for years! Let me give you an example: Dragon Sound keyboardist Jim learned all about secret ninja strategies from his bandmates. But his knowledge didn't save him from immediately getting chopped in the back with a katana when the chips were down.

Dusty: Counterpoint. The members of Dragon Sound followed the discipline of Tae Kwon Do and knew very little of ninja activities or techniques, which is the reason that Keyboard Jim received a devastating katana back chop. Perhaps they should have been reading Inside Karate instead of hanging out at home doing homework.

Ross: Point. Publishing an expose on the Secret Strategies must have put the editorial staff of Inside Karate at severe risk of a ninja attack. Maybe the magazine was never actually cancelled. Maybe the entire staff just died in a mysterious shuriken accident.

Dusty: Counterpoint. The entire editorial staff at Inside Karate is actually comprised of ninja warriors. By publishing a false list of secret ninja strategies, they have lured the unsuspecting public in a false sense of security. Also there is no such thing as a shuriken "accident" when ninjas are involved.

Ross: Point. I can't argue with any of that. You win.

Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #1: Ninja Gaiden

Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.

Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.

In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.

Why's this cover number one? Simple. It combines all the factors that make a great Nintendo Power cover.

1. A real-life model posing as a video game character! In this case, a very caucasian ninja is standing in for the game's hero: Ryu Hayabusa. Ryu is known for his impressive arsenal of ninja techniques and weapons, such as the art of the fire wheel, the spinning jump slash, and the windmill star. This cover's ninja appears to be holding a Slim Jim.

2. Cheesy background art! Let's see, we've got a city by the bay, which appears to be four blocks deep before you hit a massive jungle, with trees that even tower over skyscrapers. Then, on the horizon, a giant mountain rises out of the sun, which threatens to engulf the earth and is casting some strange shadows on the moon.

Also, given Ryu's position in relation to the background, where is he standing? In the crow's nest of a pirate ship? On the wing of an airplane? With ninjas, you can never tell.

3. Nonsensical coverlines! "New Hit in Cinema Display"? Does that mean you have to play it in a movie theater?

Are You Serious?!?! Episode One: Ninja Gaiden

Video games are full of moments that make you throw your hands in the air and scream "Are You Serious?!?!" This series of videos highlights some of those rage-inducing levels that made you consider pouring bleach into your NES.

Anybody that has spent hours playing Ninja Gaiden knows that this game is full of extremely annoying platforming moments. This is, after all, the only game that makes you fight a hawk, a cheetah, an out-of-work prizefighter, a pirate, a knife-throwing 50s greaser, and a hatchet-wielding psychopath all at once! These enemies are also set to re-spawn at a relentless rate!

                          

Badass Box Art of the Week: Action 52

Sometimes video game box art is so completely badass that it demands you purchase the game even though you may have never heard of the title or even play video games at all! Only these boxes have earned the right to be honored with the title of Badass Box Art of the Week!

Are you ready for the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE? Can you play through 52 undoubtedly terrible games without murdering your family?!? Yes? Then let the non-stop action mayhem commence!  This week's installment of Badass Box Art of Week brings you Action 52! The only game on the planet to receive the Action Seal of Quality Assurance!

There is no doubt in my mind that the mullet-sporting kid on the box was completely unaware of what he was getting himself into when he jammed this cart into his NES. No one could have predicted that an onslaught of ninjas, dragons, and eyeballs with robot arms would come screaming out of his microwave shaped TV box. Judging by the sheer terror on his face, he had no clue that a tentacle and creepy monster hand would attempt to snatch him from his cozy living room.

But there are a couple more things that really make this box badass.

1. The patriotic claim that this game was made in AMERICA! This is not something commonly seen on NES games. But neither are jeans that are neatly rolled up above your sweet kicks. America!  
2. The extremely bold suggested retail price printed right on the box. $199.00 is a lot of cash to shell out for a game that doesn't play on the NEO GEO. I enjoy the choice to place (U.S. $) under the suggested price as if to say, "Yes, that's right, my friend, it's U.S. dollars listed up there. Not no Japan dollars!"  America!!  

-Dusty