What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #16

Singing karaoke with Hulk Hogan in Japan!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #1: Modern Samurai

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

There can be only one. Why this one? Because Martin Kove is our spirit animal and he will chop you with his tiny katana blades if you disagree. It's as good a reason as any for this cover to top our list.

This is also the issue where Inside Karate rips the lid off the existence of current-day samurai. They exist, and they're al Qaeda's worst nightmare. Do you know why you aren't getting an envelope full of anthrax in your mailbox every day? Samurai. Modern ones. Even now the samurai are scouring the caves of Afghanistan in order to protect us all.

The other great thing about this cover is the implication that Kove himself is one of these modern samurai. IK is like, "We're not directly saying he is, but we're not saying he isn't." And really, who are we to argue with John Steele?

Bonus points for the unnecessary-but-artfully placed drop of blood.


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #2: The Sword and the Cinema!

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

This is it. The issue where the magazine finally stops beating around the bush and reveals the ultimate martial arts technique: Shooting your opponent with a gun. Doesn't matter if you're facing a black belt in karate, tae kwon do, capoeira, judo, jeet kune do, kung fu or tae bo. A bullet trumps everything!

Also: Let's get real, Inside Karate. Why even bother teaching jujutsu moves to women? Just give 'em a rifle.

Combine that amazing story with a cover feature about Bolo Yeung, the guy who played Chong Li in Bloodsport (Want to get a glimpse of his legendary pecs? You're gonna have to buy the issue!), and this issue is clearly the #2 choice for our countdown!


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

That's So Punisher #12

Attacking the residents of Riverdale with cake!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #3: Togetherness Training

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

Finally, the secret of JCVD's martial arts training is revealed! Over the past few decades, many in the martial arts and filmmaking communities and have questioned Van Damme's asskicking bonafides. "He doesn't actually know karate," some have claimed. "He's just a glorified gymnast!"

Well, this cover sets the record straight once and for all. JCVD is a black belt in the ancient art of Togetherness. Clearly, that's also the secret he learned before breaking into martial arts films, considering that he's never been hurt.

We also like to think that the windmill technique Jean-Claude is demonstrating with his arms on this cover is the key to blowing away his opponent's kicks. Now if only he could brush up on the fine art of hinting so as to let Gladys down easy in regards to the questionable fashion value of her combination jumpsuit-overalls workout apparel.

That's what makes this the #3 Inside Karate cover––everything ties together so beautifully.


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Real Advice From Mr. T #9

"Roots! You can't know where you're going if you don't know where you're from!"

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #4: Michele "Mouse" Krasnoo

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

Sometimes we think Inside Karate should be renamed Inside the Patronization of Karate Women. As you can see, the tradition of doing cover shoots with women in their silk pajamas continues in this issue.

Many an adept karate master has been killed because they got into a karate fight on the street, where they weren't adequately dressed for deadly combat. That's why it's important to wear your dojo uniform at all times, or barring that, read this issue's guide to protecting yourself from a surprise assault from the likes of Mark Glazier.

Also: we still haven't figured out what the placement of the quotation marks is supposed to mean in "'How Hapkido' Saved My Career." But figuring out this cover's punctuation-fu is far more rewarding than trying to remember the career(?) of L.A. Dodgers slowballer Jim Gott. Though we would have killed to see Gott utilize the traditional hapkido nunchaku on the mound.

Becoming an Instructor: Are You Bad Enough? If only that was the headline, this cover would have grabbed the coveted #1 spot on our countdown. As it is, the Michele "Mouse" Krasnoo's slumber party pictorial can only squeak this cover into fourth place.


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E17: Sudden Death

Jessica inherits an ownership stake in a professional football team in an unspecified-yet-televised league. She accidentally sees Dick Butkus' junk in the locker room. She's nearly killed after being shoved into a steam room... that's been turned to HIGH! And she goes for a ride in a helmet-shaped car driven by a deaf 10-year-old girl.

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #5: The Martial Art of Zorro

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

When you think of history's greatest martial arts film stars, you think of Jackie Chan. Tony Jaa. Chuck Norris. Oh yeah, and Antonio Banderas. This issue promises an in-depth expose on the "martial art of Zorro," which mainly involved distracting his enemies with his luscious chest hair before hacking their dresses to pieces with his sword. Oh and riding horses. That's a martial art, right?

The thing we really love about this cover, though, is the Zorro/Bruce Lee pastiche. It appears that Lee is using his superhuman speed to sneak up behind the Mexican freedom fighter, whose head is somehow squished between the "Inside" and the "Karate."

Also: Stare into Cynthia Barker's abs and tell us what happens. Have you lost the capacity for speech? No problem, she clearly knows sign language!

Apparently an army once conquered the world using only grappling techniques. Tell me again why Inside Karate once claimed there were seven reasons never to grapple?


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #15

Breaking the Iron Sheik's back, making him humble!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #6: Female Action Stars

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

It's not 1952 anymore. This is the '90s. Our females want to have it all. They want to be action stars. They want to want to wear silk karate gis with a bedazzled fringes. And they want to wear makeup and jewelry while they kick dudes straight through the Inside Karate logo. And why shouldn't they be able to? Females can do anything––even go one-on-one with Don "The Dragon" Wilson, if we're reading this cover correctly. Does this mean that "The Dragon" is against the idea of females being action stars? Find out... inside!

Are your kids having trouble paying attention in school? Not to worry! Just use Tae Kwon Do on them until they shape up! For the record, we're hoping that Tae Kwon Do is also the cure to the Delayed Death Touch.

Also of note: Another point in favor of grappling. And if the Boston Crab isn't included in the list of Unbeatable Finishing Holds, I'm canceling my subscription.

Plus! Inside Karate finally defeated Inside Tae Kwon Do once and for all, and, after eating its heart, has now usurped its power!


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #7: Mark Glazier

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

Finally, Inside Karate stops tip-toeing around addressing the ultimate threat to any karate fighter: guns. (Or "gun defenses," as their confused phrasing seems to imply.) What do you do when your opponent pulls a firearm? Is your chi bad enough to stop a bullet? Find out inside!

"Ranking Systems: What do they Really Mean?" In other words, this issue of Inside Karate has a cover feature that could have been called "How to read numbers."

And, of course, Mark Glazier. Who is he? Judging by this cover, he's a suburban dad who saw some black teens at the mall last weekend and got scared. Now he walks the streets at night, shoeless, in his grey jeans and homemade karate top, jump-punching any feathered-mulleted fool to wander within striking distance. A true success story!

We're also crossing our fingers that Mark Glazier is the secret identity of masked karate pro wrestler Glacier.

Hopefully next issue will reveal the secret behind the Mark Glazier Cryonic Kick!


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E16: Tough Guys Don't Die

MSW goes noir when Jessica's good friend, a private dick, is killed. She teams with his even harder-boiled partner (played by Jerry Orbach!) and proves that's she's no run-of-the-mill broad by solving the case.

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #8: Ernie Reyes Jr.

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

Ernie Reyes Jr. appeared on the cover of Inside Karate no fewer than four times over the course of its publication. This one makes our list, however, because it's the only cover to capture Ernie (who, as you know, went on to star in Surf Ninjas, TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze, and the wildly underrated The Rundown) in the midst of an attempted murder. Such a shame to get bloodstains on that sweet camouflage karate gi, though.

In honor of the most amazing Point-Counterpoint topic we've ever seen, we held our own session, which we hope lives up to high standard of IK editorial content.

Ross: Point. It's good that the Ninja have Secret Strategies. It would be very un-ninja-like for them to reveal their strategies to the world and their enemies.

Dusty: Counterpoint. Inside Karate is doing society a favor by blowing the lid off of the Secret Strategies held by the Ninjas. No longer will the world's entire population need to walk in fear of a secretly strategic ninja attack.

Ross: Point. Even if civilians learn the Secret Strategies, what good will it do them? The Ninja have perfected them for years! Let me give you an example: Dragon Sound keyboardist Jim learned all about secret ninja strategies from his bandmates. But his knowledge didn't save him from immediately getting chopped in the back with a katana when the chips were down.

Dusty: Counterpoint. The members of Dragon Sound followed the discipline of Tae Kwon Do and knew very little of ninja activities or techniques, which is the reason that Keyboard Jim received a devastating katana back chop. Perhaps they should have been reading Inside Karate instead of hanging out at home doing homework.

Ross: Point. Publishing an expose on the Secret Strategies must have put the editorial staff of Inside Karate at severe risk of a ninja attack. Maybe the magazine was never actually cancelled. Maybe the entire staff just died in a mysterious shuriken accident.

Dusty: Counterpoint. The entire editorial staff at Inside Karate is actually comprised of ninja warriors. By publishing a false list of secret ninja strategies, they have lured the unsuspecting public in a false sense of security. Also there is no such thing as a shuriken "accident" when ninjas are involved.

Ross: Point. I can't argue with any of that. You win.

Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #9: Conan!

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

This cover is awesome. In fact, if not for Ralf Moeller, this might be a top three pick. Unfortunately, Ralf can't even hold his tin foil sword the right way in his hand, and his general lameness drops this cover several spots on our list.

There's an old saying among baseball and football scouts: "You can't teach speed." Well, obviously they never talked to karate scouts. In the dangerous and sexy world of karate, you can not only teach speed (in a consumer magazine, no less!), you can double anyone's speed. That's how top karate prospects put up 2.2-second 40-yard dashes.

Dena Rae Hayess––Female Warrior for the New Millennium, or Human Typo? Or Kicker of Giant Hands?

Also, in direct refutation of the last cover we profiled, this month's issue seems to actually promote grappling, and not just for punch fighters! For kick fighters, too! Get your story straight, Inside Karate. Is grappling a worthwhile karate tactic or not? Let's hope for a deep dive next issue.


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

That's So Punisher #11

Shooting a bazooka into a dinner party at point-blank range!

Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #10: Benny and the New Jets

In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.

Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?

Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.

Questions. So many questions raised by this cover. Who is Benny? What was wrong with the Old Jets? Why are they wearing championship belts? What is their connection to Elton John? What is Elton John's connection to karate? Can Elton John beat Frank Dux in a straight-up karate fight?

We have no idea how or why a karate magazine would offer seven reasons not to grapple. Perhaps Bridgett Hare hates grappling and will wallop anybody who says otherwise.

This issue also promises to tackle the greatest problem of martial arts: How can the classes for something so badass be so boring to participate in? Hopefully the answer was "add more ropes and flame jets."

Note to self: My band's new name is Benny and the Flame Jets.


Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!

Precious Wrestling Memories: For the Love of God, Sting, Stop Opening Those Giant Gift Boxes

As one of the most popular wrestlers in early-90s WCW, Sting had so many fans that his fame turned into a weakness. His villainous opponents discovered that, if they sent him haphazardly wrapped gifts during live television broadcasts, Sting would often let his guard down, assuming that one of his millions of Little Stingers had sent him a present. Or maybe it was from RoboCop.

By the time of the video below, Sting had already been ambushed by a Cactus Jack-filled gift box. That doesn't stop him from opening another one, though. We have no idea what he could have thought was in there (Industrial-sized tub of facepaint? 3,000 copies of The Crow on VHS?), but we're certain he didn't expect an obese man with genie pants pulled up to his sternum and a grotesque mass of scar tissue where his forehead should be.

Sting, if you're reading this, here's a hint: If you're the recipient of a gift that is vaguely man-sized, there will always be a man inside of it.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #14

Giving tips to the high school swim team!

Embarrassing Celebrity Renders: Val Kilmer

Video games based on movies are almost always terrible from a gameplay perspective and often lack the same impact as the films they seek to emulate. Another unfortunate side effect of these disastrous celluloid-to-pixel transformations are the graphic renderings of the actors.

This installment comes to us from the 1988 fantasy masterpiece Willow. I am not here to comment on the awesomeness that is Willow––that would be far too easy. This particular piece of pixel art garbage is from the 1988 arcade title of the same name. Despite this game being a joint venture between LucasFilm and Capcom, it features some horrific character modeling. Just stare at that mouth for two minutes and tell me your life is the same afterwards.

If I were the Iceman this would be my profile picture forever.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E15: Paint Me a Murder

A famous artist, played by Cesar Romero, is murdered on his private island. When Jessica Fletcher and another woman confront the murderer, he brushes off their accusation with claims of sexism.

Throwing the Controller: Okinawan Typhoon Season

In Throwing the Controller, we look back at the most infuriating enemies, levels and screwovers in NES history.

You've heard of "infotainment." Now discover "enteractivity!"

One of the most ambitious early NES games, The Karate Kid takes players on an exciting journey through the events of the first two movies.

The first of the game's four stages recreates the All Valley Under 18 Karate Tournament that Daniel LaRusso wins at the end of the first movie. Sadly, there is no boss fight against Sensei John Kreese, making Rambo the only video game to ever feature an enemy portrayed by your god and mine, Martin Kove.

Seriously, someone tell me where I can get a copy of this magazine.

But that's just a disappointment––albeit a major one––not a screwover.

The game's remaining three stages detail Daniel and Mr. Miyagi's journey to Okinawa. Stage three in particular recreates the memorable typhoon that strikes the island just as the bad blood between Miyagi and Sato comes to a boil.

Despite his months of intense karate training under Mr. Miyagi, Daniel finds the weather to be more powerful than Johnny, Tommy, Bobby, Jimmy and Dutch combined. He can't even stand still in the face of the gale force winds––the wind continuously pushes him backwards. That would only be an annoyance, except the level contains tons of tricky platform jumps over the deadly Okinawan water.

Excuse me: the normal Okinawan water. Too bad Mrs. LaRusso didn't spring for swimming lessons in addition to those martial arts ones. Making matters worse, helpless birds and flying sticks are constantly flying right at face level. It's almost as if Mother Nature herself has joined the Cobra Kai.

If you believe this game, the wind is Daniel's most dangerous opponent ever.

Bonus Screwover!

Karate Kid is probably most fondly remembered for its three mini-games of skill. Recreating famous training scenes from the movies, these hidden bonus scenarios give the player a chance to earn extra uses of the famous Miyagi Dojo special attacks: the crane kick and the drum punch.

Don't expect to earn any rewards if you're randomly dropped into the swinging hammer game, though. It's incredibly tough to time your jumps in order to avoid the pendulum-like hammer that comes at Daniel faster and faster. Here's the kicker, though-–jumping doesn't even count! You're actually supposed to be pushing the A button just before the hammer smashes you. The timing to do so is even more strict, so much so that I usually just give up immediately and accept Daniel's fate of gruesome blunt force trauma.

Please, hammer, don't hurt him.

With the benefit of hindsight, we're certain that the developers should've replaced this unbeatable level with a deck-sanding mini-game, a car-waxing mini-game, a fence-painting mini-game or, even better, a shower curtain costume-wearing mini-game.

That's So Punisher #10

Commissioning a themed wedding cake!

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #13

Chatting up a bartendress while drinking a tiny glass of wine!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E14: My Johnny Lies Over the Ocean

On a cruise ship, Jessica Fletcher draws a killer out of hiding with a extended fake drunk routine in which she acts less like an inebriated old woman and more like Yoda from The Empire Strikes Back.

Real Advice From Mr. T #8

"If you don't want to be a crazy coot, just study real hard and stay in school!"

That's So Punisher #9

Disintegrating thugs' knees with the Battle Van's hubcap plasma generators!

Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #4: Wolverine

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: Wolverine

Let's get this out of the way up front: Wolverine doesn't hate polar bears. He's a Canadian, remember. He appreciates all the fauna of the the great white north, including but not limited to mountain beavers, hoary marmots, long-tailed voles and Cascade golden-mantled ground squirrels. And, of course, polar bears.

But Wolverine is also a survivalist. And if the Blackbird breaks down in the Arctic Circle, he's not just going to let himself freeze to death while waiting for one of the X-Men who can fly (i.e. any of the other X-Men) to find time in their schedule to come pick him up. No, he's gonna leave a trail of dead beer cans on his way to the nearest igloo city, and if he has to murder a polar bear and wrap it around himself to stay warm, then by god, that's what he's gonna do. 

Because Wolverine is the best there is at what he does. And what he does isn't very nice, environmentally speaking.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E13: Murder to a Jazz Beat

Thanks to a uncharacteristic scheduling snafu, Jessica has come to New Orleans two whole days before any of her calendared promotional events. Luckily, she finds herself in the care of industrious cabbie Lafayette (guest star Garrett Morris), who knows literally everyone and everything in town.

Case in point: he brings her to a lengthy French Quarter performance of on-the-cusp-of-stardom jazz musician Ben Coleman, whose subsequent death in the middle of a set is the ultimate improvisational performance. In fact, everybody in the room lets him lie there on the floor for a few seconds, just in case he was simply doing something jazzy.

Jess immediately identifies the subtle, telltale signs of an obscure South American poison, and suspects that Ben’s clarinet was the delivery mechanism. The police disagree, but Jessica keeps pushing the issue—the smoking gun, she claims, is that the clarinet’s reed didn’t have any stains on it even though Ben had just taken a swig of coffee before playing, as many musicians do—until a bandmate breaks down with a tearful cemetery monologue.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #12

Turning heads in the fashion world with his fringed leather vest!

That's So Punisher #8

Becoming a cowboy!

This Is a Real Comic Book Character: Jaxxon

I have a bad feeling about this.

Jaxxon is a fast-talking green space rabbit with a flair for the dramatic. The pilot of The Rabbit's Foot, one of the few ships in the galaxy dumpier than the Millennium Falcon, Jaxxon worked odd jobs across the universe as a smuggler before meeting up with Han Solo in the wake of the destruction of the first Death Star. Why Han Solo decided to hang out with a cosmic bunny instead of continuing to hit on Princess Leia or collect a huge reward from the Rebel Alliance for his heroic has yet to be explained.

Together with Solo, a space hottie named Amaiza Foxtrain(!) and a few other hooligans, Jaxxon defended a small village from the Cloud-Riders of Aduba-3, Kurosawa-style, despite his dire predictions for the battle.

The only fighter that can "KCHOP" someone with his foot.

After the battle, Foxtrain decided to become Jaxxon's sidekick, forgoing an opportunity to ride with one of the heroes of the Battle of Yavin, which casts doubt on her decision-making abilities. Maybe she was just allergic to Wookiee hair. The two of them soon travelled the galaxy, hitting all the big gambling planets and eventually retiring on their winnings.

Despite getting the last word in, Jaxxon somehow loses a verbal confrontation with Han Solo.

Forgoing the typical casual attire of the Star Wars galaxy, Jaxxon prefers to wear his bright red spacesuit and thigh-high boots, a sign that he craves the attention he could never receive from his parents because they were too busy caring for his twelve siblings on the planet Coachelle Prime. It seems that space rabbits breed just as easily as Earthly ones.

That's So Punisher #7

Shooting Dr. Doom with his Battle Van!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E12: Broadway Malady

Jessica braves the dangerous streets of New York City and becomes embroiled in a murder investigation surrounding a musical production on Broadway. Her down-home Cabot Cove sensibilities clash with an exhaustingly dramatic family of actors and writers, but they're able to work together to stage a scene (on set, no less!) to ensnare the killer––one of the show's very first examples of a Classic Fletcher Ruse.

Precious Wrestling Memories: The Curiously Well-Lit Dungeon of Doom

Sometimes precious wrestling memories don't feel like memories so much as fever dreams. Take, for example, Hulk Hogan's journey into the Dungeon of Doom.

Marvel at his realization of being at a place that he's never been before! Taste his despair when he spots no Hulkamaniacs at his present location! Feel his anguish when he touches the room-temperature water!

Also, something about a "real white bengal tiger"?



Bonus! The Big Show debuts, several years before surfing on his own father's coffin.

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #1: Swamp Thing

In the famed Alan Moore-written comics, Swamp Thing is a being of unimaginable power, an earth elemental who draws his strength directly from the planet. That's what we're assuming anyway; we never actually got around to reading the issues that explained it all.

As is sadly too often the case, the NES version of the character does not measure up to the real-life version. The game takes place entirely within a swamp. What luck, right? That's Swamp Thing's home turf! Surely he'll be at an advantage! Fighting Swamp Thing in a swamp is like fighting Aquaman at the bottom of the ocean or fighting the Blob in donut shop: they should be basically unstoppable.

Alas, it seems that Swamp Thing is easily injured by extremely normal swamp creatures like snakes and fish. And plants. Shouldn't he be in perfect harmony with these creatures and be able to use them as his minions and sidekicks? At the very least, he shouldn't be injured by plants. He's made of plants.

Swamp Thing is stymied by Plant Thing

Here's the deal: even if he's not an earth elemental, Swamp Thing is still a guy who got mutated into a giant hulking plant beast by an evil industrialist who was after his wife. Look at the ham hocks on him in that screenshot above. He's got the tools to fight. This isn't a guy who should be beaten up by nature.

But then again, if Swamp Thing doesn't want to get the crap kicked out of him, maybe he should learn how to attack at any height higher or lower than exactly six feet and at a horizontal distance greater than six inches.

You can have him.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #11

Eating an entire chicken in Japan!

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #2: The Spelunker

Okay, so we could have used this sprite,

but you'll be much more familiar with that first one if ever make the terrible life decision of playing Spelunker. Or, more likely, if you're kidnapped by mind terrorists and forced to play Spelunker in a horrific experiment.

Cave exploration was a terrible choice of career for this guy. And not just because he's easily killed by bats, falling sand and stalactites and cave ghosts. Any one of those subterranean dangers could fell an average man. Well, except for the bats. And the sand. And ghosts usually don't have corporeal form, so they're mostly harmless. But let's be charitable and imagine that these so-called dangers are indeed a threat to the typical cave explorer's existence.

That doesn't explain how or why the spelunker dies any time he comes into contact with steam. I guess it must be hot, but come on, why aren't you wearing protective gear?

An extremely charitable rendering.

Most appalling, however, is the spelunker's complete and baffling inability to survive a drop of more than six inches. Not six inches on the television screen, mind you––six relative inches in the actual world of Spelunker.

And we're not talking falls on the head or back, either. These are planned leaps, feet first.

You can see why he chose the wrong career. Cave exploration is all about delving ever deeper into the earth, and this is a man who would die trying to take the stairs.

It should tell you something that Spelunker's spiritual successor Spelunky, which was released within the past couple of years and is infamous for its balls-to-the-wall, old school difficulty, is way more forgiving than the original. You can fall at least 15 feet before you die!

That's So Punisher #6

Finishing the job even though his robotic arm has been destroyed!

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #3: Sterling Sharpe of the Green Bay Packers

Self explanatory.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E11: Capitol Offense

When a United States senator from Maine dies of heart failure, the state's only recourse is to get famous author Jessica Fletcher ("your ethics are unquestionable!" they tell her) to serve the rest of his term. Once she's in DC, it’s politics as usual: she neglects most of her senatorial duties to solve a murder, and only shows up at Congress to give a speech, for which she gets a bipartisan standing ovation.