Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #1: The Chef from Burgertime

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number one: Peter Pepper, the chef from Burgertime!

Imagine if a trailer for Burgertime: The Movie came on and you heard Mr. Movie Trailer Voice say this:

"We've all smelled what the Rock is cooking...

But this is the first time that what's cooking has smelled The Rock!"

Followed by 90 seconds of Rock being chased by Andre the Giant-sized pickles, sausages and eggs while he's chugging coffee and wolfing down fries and ice cream. You know he has the appetite for greatness that is required for this iconic role.

Not to mention that it wouldn't be the first time he's worked on a chef-based creative project.

It'd be box office gold.

Your entire career has been leading up to this, Rock. You've been cultivating and consolidating your power in both Hollywood and the culinary community. You're the only one who can make Burgertime: The Movie happen!

That's So Punisher #22

Scuttling the shuttle launch!

Are You Band Enough? Music Reviews: Stan Bush's The Ultimate: Track 8: "The Journey"

The procedure for reviewing these songs isn't rocket science. We put the tracks on repeat, listen until they soak into our subconscious, then listen some more, until they suffuse our hearts and blood. Then we nick a vein and the review pretty much writes itself.

Unfortunately, with "The Journey," I blacked out as soon as the song repeated for the first time. That night, when I finally came to, I realized that during those lost hours I had solved all my life's problems. And I still wasn't tired of the song.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E20: Menace, Anyone?

Chaos erupts at the inaugural JB Fletcher All-Star Tennis Tournament when the top seed in the men's bracket––played by guest star Bryan Cranston––is blown up by a mafia-style car bomb. While solving the case, Jessica uses her celebrity status to trick a patient at a mental hospital into giving her access to confidential records about the emotional health of the tournament's organizer––played by guest star Linda Hamilton.

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #2: A Bad Dude

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number two: either Blade or Striker of the Bad Dudes!

if you make a movie of it starring the Rock, that's how

Ever since The Cannon Group film studio was shuttered in 1994, our country has suffered from a severe deficiency of ninja movies. It's time repopulate our lives with shuriken, kunai and caltrops, and the best way to do that is with a big-budget production of Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja.

If and when this movie goes into production, we can almost guarantee the Rock will attach himself to it. It's the perfect project for him. Action, adventure, conservative politics,

Raisin' brows with Bar!

street brawling, fire breathing, battles with fat guys who look like they belong in a circus... all of these things are among the Rock's chief interests.

Bonus points if Rocky portrays both of the Bad Dudes, Double Impact-style.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #31

Posing for the covers of Mexican magazines!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E19: Christopher Bundy—Died on a Sunday

Jessica is distressed to discover that her nephew Grady has inadvertently arranged for her first-ever short story to be published in a nudie magazine. She drives out to the publisher's palatial estate to give him a piece of her mind (and her suddenly noticeable New England accent), but he is killed before she can convince him to rip up her contract. Jessica later learns from Bundy's butler, who is an FBI agent in disguise, that Bundy was "a new breed of gangster, one that steals with computers instead of guns."

Bonus points for the Solomon Grundy reference in the episode title.

That's So Punisher #21

Enforcing social norms!

Are You Band Enough? Music Reviews: Stan Bush's The Ultimate: Track 7: "Thunder in Your Heart"

"Thunder in Your Heart" finds Stan Bush in his purest form: Inspiring you rise up and do your best with lyrics that make you feel like you're probably his best friend (if only!). It also brings us closer than ever to Stan himself, because it proves he loves the same music as we do. You see, "Thunder in Your Heart" is a John Farnham cover. It was originally recorded to be the showcase track of the classic 1986 BMX movie RAD.

Don't anybody tell Farnham we said this, but Stan's version of this song is superior to the original. Sure, he's doesn't take many risks with the arrangement (tough to improve upon perfection there), but the instrumentation is cleaner and the world just plain needs this song more now than it did in 1986, when such inspirational jams were in high supply.

Following is an in-no-way-comprehensive list of additional songs we hope Stan covers someday:

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E18: If a Body Meet a Body

When a mysterious body falls out of a casket at a funeral service, Sheriff Amos complains that nobody takes him seriously because Jessica solves all his murder cases. She agrees to stay out of his way on this one, but can't help but give him subtle hints to aid the investigation, despite suffering from deadline stress on her latest manuscript.

We also get a rare look into Jessica's writing process: she sits at the kitchen table with her typewriter, dictating loudly to herself while she types. She also likes to putter around the kitchen, imagining which utensils could be used to kill a man.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #30

Playing a game of keep-away with the stars of the NFL!

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #3: Mr. Do!

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number three: Mr. Do!

Most children of the '80s know Mr. Do! only as "that game in the Holiday Inn 'arcade' that I never played because it was right next to the TMNT machine, and if I was going to take a break from TMNT, my quarter was going to be given to Roadblasters or Operation Wolf."

Many of these now-grown children would claim that Mr. Do! is Taito's cheap rip-off of Dig Dug, and that nobody ever made it clear if it's pronounced "doo" or "doe," and that its graphics and sound weren't all that good to begin with, and that it's completely undeserving of a movie adaptation, much less a big-budget movie adaptation starring the most bankable action hero in modern Hollywood.

We can't argue with any of that. All we can say is: "Wouldn't you pay to see the Rock dressed up as a clown, digging tunnels and pushing around giant subterranean apples for three hours?"

What did the unicorns ever do to anybody?

Plus! The franchisability factor is huge, just based on the (completely legit) sequel titles they'd have to work with: Mr. Do's Castle, Mr. Do vs. Unicorns, Mr. Do's Wild Ride, and more.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E17: One Good Bid Deserves a Murder

This eventful episode sees Jessica finally come under suspicion of committing a murder (after an old friend's dead body tumbles out of an antique armoire at an auction). However, her high moral character is vouched for by Jerry Orbach, returning as private dick Harry McGraw for the first time since season one, and the word of a hard-boiled NYC detective is all it takes for the cranky Boston PD to clear Fletcher of suspicion in the case.

Later, Harry slips Jess a mickey so he can read a secret diary she found hidden inside an ornate chessboard. Then he goes on a bad date with another one of the murder suspects: "I ain't never hit a dame, but you're asking to be number one!" he tells her.

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #4: Mike Haggar

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. At number four: Mike Haggar!

This one is a no-brainer. Mike Haggar, a.k.a. that Don Frye-looking dude from Final Fight who wears green pants held aloft by a single jumbo suspender, is probably the most-famous wrestling-themed character in arcade history. And sure, the Rock isn't known for delivering jumping piledrivers and German suplexes in the ring,

And he'd certainly have to up his mustache game!

but we're confident he could expand his moveset (and his stachemoves) if he were to snag this starring role in a Final Fight film adaptation. Plus, if you've ever read about his diet, you know he could put down the cornucopia the health-restoring hamburgers, grapes, and giant ham legs hidden in all the barrels of Metro City.

Barbecue, the game calls it.

Now, we know that the Rock's appeal is that he isn't just your everyday strongman actor. He's got a lot going on in terms of emotions and feelings. That's why it's a good thing that Mike Haggar is at least as much of a intellectual as he is a grappler. He's the lawfully elected mayor of Metro City, for god's sake! We've never seen the Rock in a political role, but if you don't think he could deliver a convincing stump speech, why are you even reading this blog?

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E16: Murder in the Electric Cathedral

After changing her will to benefit slimy televangelist Willie John Fargo, Jessica's former English teacher––who is now a rich Oklahoma oil baroness––dies under suspicious circumstances in the hospital next door to the Electric Cathedral, making the title of this episode highly misleading. Jessica breaks the case wide open when her finely tuned olfactory senses detect the odor of cyanide in a nearby syringe.

Are You Band Enough? Music Reviews: Stan Bush's The Ultimate: Track 6: "Unstoppable"

One of the great things about Stan Bush is that he's an effective communicator. His lyrics don't hide the meaning of his songs behind tortured metaphors or vague allusions. You always know exactly what he's talking about. "Unstoppable," with its references to standing together as one, heeding battle calls, keeping our freedom alive, defending this land, and using flaming swords, is clearly Stan's tribute to America's armed forces. And if there's any justice in this world, this song will replace Lee Greenwood's horrific "God Bless the USA" at all future baseball games, fireworks displays, and other patriotic events.

Yep, definitely a tribute to our nation's brave and steadfast servicemembers.

Either that or Transformers because of the flaming swords. I'm cool either way.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #29

Getting pied in the face!

Top 5 Arcade Characters We Want the Rock to Portray Next: #5: Dig Dug

The announcement of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's latest film project, an adaptation of the classic arcade game Rampage, has us excited. The news that Johnson would merely be playing a normal human battling against these monsters lowered our hype just a bit, but we're still holding out hope that the twist at the end of the movie is that he'll grow to massive size to do battle on their level. If you thought Jason Statham taking a Rock Bottom through a coffee table in Furious 7 was awesome, just imagine a giant werewolf getting hit with a La Magistral Cradle in the middle of Cleveland. Where can I buy tickets??

To celebrate the Rock's continued cinematic success, here's our humble list of the next classic arcade game characters he should portray. Coming in at number five: Dig Dug!

For years, we've been trying to fan-cast the Dig Dug movie adaptation of our dreams, but it's been impossible. The problem: Taizo Hori, "Hero of the Dig Dug Incident," (that's his real name, look it up) is a character whose only offensive move is to jab a hose inside a monster and inflate that enemy until it explodes. It's a gruesome style of attack that should have given greater concern to the parents of the '80s. More concerningly, to effectively force that much air into a living being using only a what looks to be a manual bike tire pump must require an unfathomable amount of upper body strength, more than any actor could believably display.

But have you seen the Rock lately? Dude is stacked.

Only thing that's going to stop him is if his bike pump gets mucked up with monster guts.

Bonus: Depending on which game art you look at, this is also a bold race-blind casting choice.

Will Atari fanboys protest, demanding a blue-skinned actor for the role? We can only hope so.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E15: Powder Keg

On her way home from a writers conference in the Deep South, Jessica's car breaks down in a small Alabama town, where she becomes embroiled in the aftermath of a murder committed in the wake of an altercation at the local roadhouse. She helps the town's black sheriff solve the crime, but not before he has to fend off a lynch mob and fist duel the guy who played Jon on CHiPs.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E14: Keep the Home Fries Burning

Breakfast fever infects Cabot Cove, as all the residents begin eating at a touristy, colonial-themed new restaurant at the edge of town. But a different kind of fever strikes those who try the place's strawberry jam: poison fever. Jessica tries to solve the case, but is stymied at every turn by a state health inspector who claims her methods are unscientific.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E13: Trial by Error

In this homage to Twelve Angry Men, Jessica plays the role of the level-headed jury foreperson. In her grandmotherly way, she gently browbeats the other 11 jurors––even the belligerent radio host and the guy who was the head of Starfleet in that Star Trek movie with the whales––into agreeing with her take on the murder trial.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E12: Murder by Appointment Only

This episode takes place in the second-most murderous city in the MSWverse: New York, where the only thing the residents ever talk about is how dangerous it is there. When one of her former English students (who grew up to be a high-end prostitute) is killed, Jessica has an extremely judgmental conversation with a madam before solving the case.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E11: Murder Digs Deep

Jessica travels to a small archaeological dig site in New Mexico to do some hands-on research for her newest book. The crew is worried when a man wearing traditional Anasazi garb appears on top on a nearby bluff and tries to put an ancient Indian curse on them. They're relieved to be curse-free when he falls to his death, but was the fall really an accident? Jessica suspects otherwise.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E10: Sticks & Stones

When Cabot Cove's reliable old Sheriff Amos retires, real estate huckster Harry takes over. After the episode's second murder, he muses, "I'm starting to hate this job," as if he didn't put much thought into taking a law enforcement job in the murder capitol of the United States. Meanwhile, the citizens of Cabot Cove (who are clearly desensitized to such violence) seem more concerned by the chaos-sewing anonymous letters everyone in the town is receiving. One woman, convinced by a letter that Jessica Fletcher is sleeping with her husband, attacks Jessica with her purse.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E9: Jessica Behind Bars

Jessica is teaching a writing class at a local women's prison when the prison doctor is murdered and a riot breaks out. The prisoners gain control of the facility and she is taken hostage. Everyone keeps saying that the police will "shoot their way in" unless Jessica can solve the crime. To do so, she befriends a rag-tag group of inmates, including spouse-killer Mary, streetwise Tug, demure Louise, hefty Bertha, and trigger-happy Kat.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E8: Dead Heat

Her amateur sleuthing has regularly put her in danger, but Jessica faces the most bizarre attempt on her life yet during her investigation into the murder of a racehorse owner. As she confronts a conspirator in the barn, he notes that the prize-winning horse "never did like people" and releases it from its stall, hoping it will murder her. She is saved by a stableboy named Cookie.

The Manager's Lament: Why Thor Is the Most Relatable Avenger

Iron Man is a successful American businessman. Captain America is a working-class soldier who grew up in Brooklyn. Black Widow was forced by a strict parental figure down a career path that she never wanted. Hawkeye is a family man who loves home renovation projects and recreational archery. Hulk is a guy who made one really bad mistake at work and has regretted it ever since.

And Thor? Thor is a member of a highly advanced alien race, is practically indistinguishable from a god, wields a magic hammer that can transport him through space, and is heir to his culture's throne.

Thor is also the Avenger I can relate to more than any other. Why? Because all his problems are managerial.

Sure, Tony Stark might be the figurehead of Stark Industries, but it's been clearly documented that he leaves the day-to-day operation of the company in Pepper Potts' hands while he focuses on inventing the deadly mistakes he'll have to address three movies from now.

Thor, though. Thor just wants to do his day-to-day work. He wants to get out there into the Nine Realms and smash some rock monsters and bust some heads with Mjolnir, then hit the bar for HH after he clocks out and try to get into that Party Thor mindset. But it's never that simple. The Asgardian bureaucracy is a crushing avalanche of performance evaluations and strategic planning.

Just look at the staffing issues he has to deal with. How do you best determine on which projects to leverage the skills of the Warriors Three? Sure, they're usually pretty effective. But their adherence to Asgardian brand standards is questionable and they give zero craps about red tape. Classic loose cannons. They get the job done, and their boss has to swoop in afterwards to do damage control on those upset by broken protocol and the like. But what's Thor going to do, NOT utilize the W3? There's so much overhead invested in them––hell, Volstagg's incidentals alone have got to be through the roof––that Thor probably can't justify NOT using them.

I don't care which star your hammer was forged inside the heart of, that's a thorny management issue. And sure, sometimes Thor can bump this stuff up the ladder to Odin (by the way, did I mention the added stress of being groomed to inherit the family business?), but let's be honest. Half the time Odin is either abusing loopholes in company policy to go on vacation––my workplace's time-tracking utility does not offer "Odinsleep" as a valid reason for missing work, does yours? I say thee nay––or he's playing little corporate mind games in the name "preparing Thor for the burden of leadership." After all, what was Thor's banishment to New Mexico if not an extended culture and values workshop?

I guess it's not all bad for Thor, though. He did certainly enjoy working with those external vendors on Midgard.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #28

Ordering five beers at a time!

Are You Band Enough? Music Reviews: Stan Bush's The Ultimate: Track 5: "Stand in the Fire"

"Caught in between the fire and the flame/ You gather your strength as you take deadly aim"

You've heard of being caught between a rock and a hard place. What could be worse than that? Being caught between two deadly things that are the same deadly thing. And the only way out? Burning away all your weaknesses!

If "Heat of the Battle" is the perfect song to accompany bone-crushing karate tournament action, then "Stand in the Fire" is its prequel, the aural embodiment of the blood, sweat and tears you expend during your pre-battle training montage. This is despite appearing two tracks later in order of songs on The Ultimate. Clearly this was done with purpose, to drive home the fact that life itself is not a chronological journey but a collection of moments throughout history that can strike at any time.

The construction of the song cleverly mirrors the struggles of training. The song's signature guitar riff is extremely technically complex. It must've taken forever to perfect, just like how it takes years to hone the 70 Snake Palm Strike technique. But when that riff gives gives way to devastating power chords in the pre-chorus, that's when you set your new record for maximum bench press weight. And reps.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #27

Reading the Necronomicon with Ric Flair in Japan!

The Essential Clone Wars Episodes

Star Wars: The Clone Wars. This animated series got surprisingly little hype for being George Lucas's official follow-up to Episode III. I think everybody, assuming that no more movies would ever be made, wanted a live-action TV series. Not to mention there was a lot of angst over the prequels not matching expectations and people were eager to move on.

But in retrospect, animated was definitely the way to go. A live-action show would have to be on a small scale for budgetary reasons, and this show is anything but small scale. Sure, the animation and visuals are modest at first, but by the third season, Uncle George had cracked open the wallet, and things started looking amazing.

It's not just about the looks, though. The series, which takes place in the three-year span between Episode II (which kicked off the in-universe Clone War) and Episode III (which ended with the Emperor's ascension and the birth of Darth Vader), addresses a lot of the common complaints about the prequels––that Anakin wasn't at all likable, that we didn't get to see his much-talked-about friendship with Obi-Wan, that all the actual star wars seemed to happen offscreen between movies.

That said, the series does swing and miss occasionally, which is why I've created this list of all the guaranteed good stuff. It's worth your time, and it's on Netflix streaming, so it couldn't be easier to jump in.

Clone Wars is anthological in nature, meaning that we don't follow one set of characters through every episode. This is good in that out of nowhere you might get a crazy bounty hunter-focused episode, watch some jobber Jedi go on a doomed mission, or be treated to one of the series' classic genre-themed episodes. But you also might get stuck with a Padme diplomacy episode or Jar-Jar hijinks. (Guess which ones I left off the list?)

To complicate things further, the episodes were produced out of chronological order until the third season. That's why this list starts with the 16th episode of the second season and continues to jump around a bit between seasons––due to the anthological nature of the show, it's not totally necessary to watch episodes in chronological order, but it doesn't hurt, and the last few seasons do tend to add more of the serialized elements that you would expect from a quality modern TV show, often building on seemingly unconnected aspects of early episodes in interesting ways.

This list contains the bare essentials. As you can see, it's weighted heavily to the later seasons, where the show really got rolling. If you get hooked and are left wanting more, you could do worse than watching the whole series, or picking and choosing additional episodes based on their Netflix descriptions. If it sounds like you'd like it, you probably will.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. These are the Clone Wars episodes you should watch! Do it!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E7: A Lady in the Lake

What could go wrong when Jessica vacations at an upstate lake resort with a painting of Edgar Allen Poe in every room? Murder, for one thing. But even worse, she must suffer the awkward romantic advances of an amateur ornithologist. Luckily, he turns out to be the killer. Two birds, one stone. Well played, Fletcher.

Professor Robert Langdon Facts #5

Straight from the pages of Dan Brown's Inferno...

Image credit: TremerozArt

Did you know?

Professor Robert Langdon's reputation is one of academic humility.

According to Professor Robert Langdon, the most cringeworthy wrestling move is the "penile grip."

The only substance on Earth that can dull Professor Robert Langdon's eidetic memory is red wine.

Professor Robert Langdon displays surprising strength and agility while climbing into secret passages.

Professor Robert Langdon is disappointed when the women he meets don't tell him all their secrets in less than 24 hours.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #26

Modeling his new shirt!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S2E6: Reflections of the Mind

When a rich guy drives his sports car off a cliff just minutes after chugging his “traditional pre-travel cocktail,” the local sheriff suspects either foul play or mechanical failure caused his death. Not, you know, drunk driving. Later, a ghost takes credit for the murder. Things then get very Scooby Doo when Jessica Fletcher uses an elaborate scheme to reveal the murderous apparition as a frustrated rock star-turned-gardener.

The Rumble Raffle: Official Rules and Regulations

Any wrestling fan knows that the Royal Rumble is the best match of the year. The reasons are many: 30 wrestlers! A countdown clock! People being thrown from high places onto the floor! Surprise entrants! Girls (sometimes)! Announcers (sometimes)! Strange bedfellows (always)! Fat dudes getting picked up via team lifts!

So what's the only thing that could make the Rumble better?

THE RUMBLE RAFFLE

For the first time in recorded history, here is a complete rundown of the rules of the event.

The hardest part of the Rumble Raffle: gather a crowd of people that care enough about wrestling (or gambling, I suppose) to put some money on it, and then remind them to bring two $5 bills to the event with them. You could wager a larger amount, sure, but that's kind of embarrassing.

Since there are 30 competitors, you ideally want 10 or 15 participants. After you collect their money (crucial point! Do not let anyone enter without paying unless you have the Repo Man on speed dial), it's time to draw numbers. Let's say you have 10 participants. Everybody will get three random numbers from 1-30. The best way to distribute them? You could always go with the classic "scraps of paper in a hat" strategy, but for authenticity's sake, I suggest using a Deluxe Metal Bingo Cage Set (pictured).

Spin the wheel, make the deal!

The numbers you drew correspond with the wrestlers that enter the match at those numbers. If you're lucky, you might get John Cena. And if you're me, you might get David Otunga. Or an Uso. Or Jinder Mahal. It all hinges on the luck of the draw, just like in the Rumble itself.

What happens if you have an odd number of participants? If you have seven, each person would draw four numbers to get you to 28. Then put the last two numbers up for bids, starting at $5 per number. That way, a couple of people will get an extra number, but they'll have substantially more money on the line than the other participants.

There are two pots (thus the two $5 bills).

1. The victory pot. If one of your wrestlers wins, you get the pot. If a tie happens––see the '94 Rumble and the controversial Bret Hart-Lex Luger finish––you split it. Please note that as per usual in the world of wrestling, the referee's decision is final. It doesn't matter how much chicanery or skullduggery is involved, or even if the WWE board of directors overturns the decision the next day. Whoever gets their hand raised at the end of the night is the winner.

2. The elimination pot. This pot goes to whoever's wrestlers have the most cumulative eliminations (meaning they threw other wrestlers out of the ring, removing them from the match). Pray for Kane.

Due to the often crazy nature of eliminations, this is where things can get tricky. In fact, you may want to designate an official Royal Rumble Elimination Oversight Committee prior to the match in the event that any disputes should arise. The general rule: whoever physically caused the elimination gets credit for it. That means if Sheamus throws David Otunga like a missile at Heath Slater and that causes Slater to fly out of the ring, Otunga gets the credit, because he theoretically saved himself. If Otunga had gone to the floor with Slater, though, Sheamus gets both eliminations.

Team eliminations! Sometimes, several wrestlers team up to throw somebody out. In this case, each wrestler that had a hand in the effort gets credit for one elimination. No fractions or decimal points are allowed in the Rumble Raffle.

Important note: If someone has an extra wrestler due to an uneven number of participants in the Raffle, you'll need to make an adjustment to keep things fair for the elimination pot. The best way to do this is to make the participant determine before the event which of their numbers will count toward the elimination totals. Using the example above, five participants will have drawn four numbers, while two participants will have paid extra to draw five numbers. Those two participants must choose one of their five entries to be disqualified from the elimination pot before the match starts.

That covers it. Let me know if you host a Raffle and if you have any suggested rule changes!

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 23: Pirate Peril

After coaching KAT to victory in an MMA fight in Hong Kong, Rambo takes the team out for a celebratory dinner on a tiny fishing boat out in the harbor. It's literally just a junky little skiff with a fancy dinner table and chairs set up on it. And they have to wait to order until a "menu boat" pulls up alongside! The menu boat is also a junky little fishing skiff.

Here Rambo learns from his middle-aged Chinese fisherman friend (where does he meet these guys?) that the local fishing community has been having trouble with a bunch of SAVAGE pirates, who are launching strikes against them from their pirate ship, the S.S. Scurvy.

That's when the pirates fly in to attack.

ON HANG GLIDERS!

I love that they brought in hang gliding pirates just three episodes after they had hang gliding ninjas. It's the transportation mode of choice for evildoers everywhere!

After fighting off the pirates thanks to Turbo's boomerang skills, Rambo and co. track the pirates to a tiny deserted island, then, once they land on the tiny deserted island, they track the pirates to the tiny deserted island's pirate bar. After Rambo duels the pirate captain Nomak to draw after an aborted ruse in which the Force of Freedom tried to pretend they were pirate recruits, the salty seamen chase them out of the pirate bar and across the tiny deserted island.

Good thing Rambo always keeps an RPG in his dinghy.

Long story short, Rambo eventually ends up a captive on SAVAGE's yellow submarine, which they stole from some scientists in order to look for a different submarine, a sunken French one. It's this second submarine that they plan to raise and then––in classic SAVAGE fashion!––sell to the highest bidder. Assumedly the yellow submarine is not worth enough to sell? It is not discussed. So where do the pirates come into play in this scheme? Well, they were hired to attack local fishing boats near the search location, of course. Because those tiny boats would surely spot the yellow submarine searching for the French submarine and then they would know something suspicious was up.

This is a complicated plan. It might be SAVAGE's most convoluted plan of all time, in fact. And remember, this is the organization that, in a shocking inversion of priorities, tried to hold all of the world's most famous landmarks for ransom in order to get the funds to get their School for Terrorism off the ground.

Back to captive Rambo. Somebody in SAVAGE has a super weird rat fetish. "Hey, we've captured Rambo! What should we do with him? Shoot him with a gun? Stab him? Drown him? Murder him in some other way? No, let's let a bunch of rats loose near him and see what happens!"

When will they learn Rambo is not weak to rats?

Now free, Rambo leaves the sub and gets into a jetski battle on the high seas! Despite driving a souped-up, rocket-powered jetski that would make Jerry Steve Dave the Magic Man extremely jealous, Rambo chooses a decidedly old-fashioned way to take care of his jetski adversaries.

You guessed it––he lassoed them!

MISSION COMPLETE.