Super Heroes Attacking Polar Bears #3: Green Lantern

Our recent post featuring the Punisher socking a polar bear in the jaw got us thinking: How many more super heroes have run afoul of the world's biggest species of bear, and what could possibly inspire them to attack an animal that's been listed as a vulnerable species––likely to become endangered––by the International Union for Conservation of Nature?

As you'll see, some don't understand the dire situation that polar bears face, some want to test their mettle against the largest land carnivore in the world, and some just want to get their hands on a warm pelt.

Today's entry: Green Lantern

Rather than punch the bear in the face like Wildcat or use his power ring to create a giant fist to punch the bear in the face––thank god polar bears aren't yellow!––Green Lantern has chosen the classic flying shoulder tackle maneuver as his means of assault. It's an appropriately bold maneuver for the one DC super hero that's supposedly fearless. Of course, in this case, fear could be a useful feeling, since it would inspire the Lantern to attack the polar bear from afar instead of getting within range of its deadly claws.

Interestingly, this polar bear seems to have a name: Bruno. It's unknown whether he was some sort of hyper-intelligent super bear in the vein of a Gorilla Grodd or Monsieur Mallah or Ultra-Humanite (note to self: this blog needs a ongoing feature about talking gorillas), or if Green Lantern simply prefers to humanize everything he destroys by naming it first.

Real Advice From Mr. T #7

"If anybody tries to call you square, just look 'em in the eye and tell 'em you don't care!"

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #4: Thief

Make no mistake, Final Fantasy is hard game. Saving is heavily restricted, enemies are extremely powerful, every location is a deathmaze, and, if their intended target dies, your party members aren't even smart enough to attack another monster. They lose their turn in a daze of confusion, because honestly, how could they have expected not to just lie down and die horrifically as soon as the battle started?

That said, if you really want to, you can make the game much harder for yourself. How? By making your entire party consist of the most useless RPG character of all time: the thief.

Every other character has at least one redeeming value. The fighter has a high attack power. Black, red and white mages can use spells. Black belts know karate. And the thief? No spells. Crappy weapons and armor. Low HP. Certainly no karate.

The only thing they're good at is running away like chickens. Which seems useful, since you run into a pack of imps every five steps in the world of Final Fantasy, and the battles can get extremely tiresome. But all the running in the world isn't going to help you when you encounter Chaos.

Expect to see your thief "Zzzz"ing quite a bit.

If, somehow, you're able to make it to the endgame with a thief in your party, he'll get promoted to being a ninja, and actually become useful and powerful. Even ignoring that confusing career trajectory, it's like the ultimate slap in the face. You could have been chopping up monsters with katanas this entire time, thief, and you just didn't feel like it, or what? 

No wonder Garland wanted to knock him down.

Thief probably even failed at touching the princess.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #10

Breaking the rules of boxing!

Top 5 Wimpiest NES Heroes: #5: Silver Surfer

When alien astronomer Norrin Radd sacrificed his freedom to the world-eating Galactus in exchange for the permanent removal of his home planet of Zenn-La from the menu, he was imbued with the Power Cosmic and became the Silver Surfer.

Riding his telepathically controlled surfboard throughout the universe, the Surfer has no need to breathe, sleep or eat. He can go faster than the speed of light, blow up spaceships, and travel through time. He can even create black holes whenever he feels like it.

The point is this: The Silver Surfer is one of the top five most powerful beings in the galaxy. Yet as soon as he steps into an NES adventure, he can be defeated by a single touch from fish and ducks.

The duck cleverly lies in wait behind the swamp tree, hidden from the Surfer's cosmic sight.

Now we'll grant you that the fish are pretty large and, judging from their facial expressions, have ill intentions, but that duck. That is just an ordinary Earth duck with no special powers or abilities. And it made the Surfer cry.

Are You Bad Enough? Goes to the Movies! #1: Lone Wolf McQuade

To understand the badass that is Lone Wolf McQuade, you need to understand the likes and dislikes of the man himself. What follows is by no means a complete list.

Things McQuade Loves:
Insanely super powered jeeps
Local Texas beer
Impossibly tight jeans
His dog
Drinking from huge canteens even while in the middle of a city
Participating in slow motion water fights with a dangerous criminal's girlfriend
His daughter
Friendship
Revolvers and sawed off shotguns

Things McQuade Hates:
Imported Beer
Hillbilly Racism
Vitamins
Fighting for money
Crazy little people that love video games
Technology
Overly brutal karate exhibitions
Wearing shirts
The fact that his ex wife is moving away with his daughter

Firearms Fact: Accuracy is improved 500% when you don't wear a shirt.

If the above characteristics of a film hero sound like someone you would like to see kick unholy ass for 90 minutes, then stop what you are doing and watch this film immediately. I will leave you with this quote from McQuade's best friend that he utters when he sees an attractive woman: "How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?"

McQuade does not discriminate!

That's So Punisher #5

Getting punched in the stomach by a little girl!