"Some people expect a free ride through life, cruising by on good looks and luck. Let me tell you something right now, it don't work that way!"
Before fancy graphics, coherent writing, and cultural sensitivity, the world was a badder place. Join us as we remember a time when having three frames of animation for your sprite was a luxury and the only requirement for rescuing the president from ninjas was being sufficiently bad.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
This Is a Real Comic Book Character: Paste Pot Pete
A brilliant chemist, Peter Petruski aimed to eclipse Michael Jackson as the most famous resident of Gary, Indiana. When he invented a new multi-polymer adhesive liquid, his ticket to the big-time was punched. However, as the insane tend to do, he chose to try to forge a criminal career with his new invention rather than make a fortune patenting and licensing it. Thus was born Paste Pot Pete.
Donning a green smock, a jaunty purple beret and an oversized ribbon tie, Pete made plans for his first criminal caper: he was going to steal a new experimental missile from the U.S. military and presumably sell it to the reds.
That's when Pete learned a terrible truth: Glue doesn't help you steal things. "Sticky fingers" is just a saying he had taken too literally. He had to beat a hasty retreat via motorcycle. It would be the first of many professional embarrassments.
Paste Pot Pete's professional embarrassments have only been matched by his fashion embarrassments. After realizing his original outfit made him look more like a colorblind industrial pastry chef––or an angry French toddler––than a terrifying super criminal, he designed a more utilitarian costume.
Unfortunately, no one told him that cuffed yellow thigh-highs have an extremely low intimidation factor. Yet somehow his slightly improved appearance earned him a spot in the Frightful Four, a super villain team clearly in desperate need of a fourth member.
Over the years, Paste Pot Pete has enjoyed one of the lowest batting averages of any super criminal, being beaten by everyone from Spider-Man to Daredevil to even the Prowler.
In a desperate bid to get his groove back, Pete changed his name to the Trapster and altered his costume to try to look more like a ninja.
Donning a green smock, a jaunty purple beret and an oversized ribbon tie, Pete made plans for his first criminal caper: he was going to steal a new experimental missile from the U.S. military and presumably sell it to the reds.
That's when Pete learned a terrible truth: Glue doesn't help you steal things. "Sticky fingers" is just a saying he had taken too literally. He had to beat a hasty retreat via motorcycle. It would be the first of many professional embarrassments.
 |
| Good thing you remembered your paste bucket! |
Paste Pot Pete's professional embarrassments have only been matched by his fashion embarrassments. After realizing his original outfit made him look more like a colorblind industrial pastry chef––or an angry French toddler––than a terrifying super criminal, he designed a more utilitarian costume.
Unfortunately, no one told him that cuffed yellow thigh-highs have an extremely low intimidation factor. Yet somehow his slightly improved appearance earned him a spot in the Frightful Four, a super villain team clearly in desperate need of a fourth member.
Over the years, Paste Pot Pete has enjoyed one of the lowest batting averages of any super criminal, being beaten by everyone from Spider-Man to Daredevil to even the Prowler.
In a desperate bid to get his groove back, Pete changed his name to the Trapster and altered his costume to try to look more like a ninja.
 |
| Didn't work. |
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #1: Ninja Gaiden
Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.
Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.
In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.
Why's this cover number one? Simple. It combines all the factors that make a great Nintendo Power cover.
1. A real-life model posing as a video game character! In this case, a very caucasian ninja is standing in for the game's hero: Ryu Hayabusa. Ryu is known for his impressive arsenal of ninja techniques and weapons, such as the art of the fire wheel, the spinning jump slash, and the windmill star. This cover's ninja appears to be holding a Slim Jim.
2. Cheesy background art! Let's see, we've got a city by the bay, which appears to be four blocks deep before you hit a massive jungle, with trees that even tower over skyscrapers. Then, on the horizon, a giant mountain rises out of the sun, which threatens to engulf the earth and is casting some strange shadows on the moon.
Also, given Ryu's position in relation to the background, where is he standing? In the crow's nest of a pirate ship? On the wing of an airplane? With ninjas, you can never tell.
3. Nonsensical coverlines! "New Hit in Cinema Display"? Does that mean you have to play it in a movie theater?
Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.
In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.
Why's this cover number one? Simple. It combines all the factors that make a great Nintendo Power cover.
1. A real-life model posing as a video game character! In this case, a very caucasian ninja is standing in for the game's hero: Ryu Hayabusa. Ryu is known for his impressive arsenal of ninja techniques and weapons, such as the art of the fire wheel, the spinning jump slash, and the windmill star. This cover's ninja appears to be holding a Slim Jim.
2. Cheesy background art! Let's see, we've got a city by the bay, which appears to be four blocks deep before you hit a massive jungle, with trees that even tower over skyscrapers. Then, on the horizon, a giant mountain rises out of the sun, which threatens to engulf the earth and is casting some strange shadows on the moon.
Also, given Ryu's position in relation to the background, where is he standing? In the crow's nest of a pirate ship? On the wing of an airplane? With ninjas, you can never tell.
3. Nonsensical coverlines! "New Hit in Cinema Display"? Does that mean you have to play it in a movie theater?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E5: Hooray For Homicide
Jessica Fletcher learns a harsh lesson about the realities of showbiz when she signs away the rights to one of her bestsellers and a slimy Hollywood producer turns it into a teenage sex romp, complete with a Thriller-inspired, synth-pop love scene in a cemetery.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Top 5 Nintendo Power Covers: #2: Track & Field II
Last month, gamers everywhere were saddened by Ars Technica's report that Nintendo was ceasing publication of the venerable Nintendo Power magazine after more than 20 years of hard-hitting, unbiased Nintendo coverage.
Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.
In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.
When I got this issue in the mail as a kid, I was excited. The original Track & Field wasn't my cup of tea. Those sorts of competitions were never as exciting as other sports, like football or baseball, and anyway, the gameplay always boiled down to hitting one button as quickly as possible, so that got old real quick.
But track and field events with rocket shoes? That's something I could get into, and it's exactly what this cover was promising. Foot races would be much more fun if every competitor had radical nuclear hi-tops strapped to their feet while running on a track IN THE SKY! And if a simple race was that exciting in Track & Field II, imagine the badass spins the game must put on other events. Shotput grenades? Long jumping over shark tanks? Lightsaber javenlins? The possibilities were endless! The coverline promise of "16 Explosive Events" only bolstered my assumptions about the game's content.
Unfortunately, the terrible reality of the situation is that Track & Field II is just more earthly track and field action. Nowhere in the entire game are rocket shoes to be found.
Upon closer inspection, the "CN" logo on the hi-tops reveals them to be connected to the Captain Nintendo "Video Game Super Hero Fiction Feature," which, to be fair, I recall being an awesome prose story about a regular dude having to fight video game enemies––such as Mother Brain from Metroid––that invaded our reality. It was sort of the inverse of Captain N: The Game Master.
In the end, I can't help but think of this cover as a missed opportunity. Consider all the awesome video game footwear they could have put on the cover instead:
Sure, the journalism industry is hurting, but this was still a shock. Now where will gamers go for Classified Information? Where will we see the further adventures of Nestor? And how will we live without the monthly list of the favorite 20 games of Nintendo retailers?? These questions may forever remain unanswered.
In the meantime, let's look back at the best Nintendo Power covers of all time; the ones that got you so excited about video games that you checked your mailbox every day when you were a kid.
When I got this issue in the mail as a kid, I was excited. The original Track & Field wasn't my cup of tea. Those sorts of competitions were never as exciting as other sports, like football or baseball, and anyway, the gameplay always boiled down to hitting one button as quickly as possible, so that got old real quick.
But track and field events with rocket shoes? That's something I could get into, and it's exactly what this cover was promising. Foot races would be much more fun if every competitor had radical nuclear hi-tops strapped to their feet while running on a track IN THE SKY! And if a simple race was that exciting in Track & Field II, imagine the badass spins the game must put on other events. Shotput grenades? Long jumping over shark tanks? Lightsaber javenlins? The possibilities were endless! The coverline promise of "16 Explosive Events" only bolstered my assumptions about the game's content.
Unfortunately, the terrible reality of the situation is that Track & Field II is just more earthly track and field action. Nowhere in the entire game are rocket shoes to be found.
Upon closer inspection, the "CN" logo on the hi-tops reveals them to be connected to the Captain Nintendo "Video Game Super Hero Fiction Feature," which, to be fair, I recall being an awesome prose story about a regular dude having to fight video game enemies––such as Mother Brain from Metroid––that invaded our reality. It was sort of the inverse of Captain N: The Game Master.
In the end, I can't help but think of this cover as a missed opportunity. Consider all the awesome video game footwear they could have put on the cover instead:
 |
| High jump boots! |
 |
| Iron boots! |
 |
| Kuribo's Shoe! |
 |
| Actually, never mind on this one |
Monday, October 1, 2012
Precious Wrestling Memories: The Origin of the Million-Dollar Belt
The Million-Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase, was the epitome of '80s greed. He had dollar bills on his tights. He routinely let kids participate in games of skill with the promise of cash rewards and then sabotaged them when they were about to succeed. And one time he even bought the WWF Heavyweight Championship from Andre the Giant for a sum of "at least $100," according to the playground rumors at school.
But nothing compares to the time he had an 800-diamond championship belt created! Be sure to watch until the 3:50 mark to get to the good stuff.
"I'M HERE!"
Now the only remaining burning question we have is this: What's the origin of the Million-Dollar Man's incredible vampire cape?
But nothing compares to the time he had an 800-diamond championship belt created! Be sure to watch until the 3:50 mark to get to the good stuff.
"I'M HERE!"
Now the only remaining burning question we have is this: What's the origin of the Million-Dollar Man's incredible vampire cape?
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