Kicking back and loving it!
No seriously look at that grin.
Before fancy graphics, coherent writing, and cultural sensitivity, the world was a badder place. Join us as we remember a time when having three frames of animation for your sprite was a luxury and the only requirement for rescuing the president from ninjas was being sufficiently bad.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Porkchop Cash
Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.
The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.
Today's honoree: Porkchop Cash.
History books say little about the man known only as Porkchop Cash. Where did he come from? Who is he the boss of? And is his name a reference to his facial hair or his favorite food?
In his only televised WWF appearance, Cash had the dubious honor of facing off with newly crowned Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior. It was a great opportunity, but the match quickly turned sour for Cash. After trying to strike the Warrior's rock hard abs a couple of times to no effect, Cash made the cardinal mistake of looking away before giving it one last shot. The Warrior illegally moved the belt over the targeted area, Cash hurt his hand by punching it, and that was all she wrote.
Imagine how different history might have been if the Warrior hadn't cheated at the start of that bout. Cash wins the IC title. Goes on to face Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6. Unifies the titles. Begins the reign of Porkamania.
Or maybe he would have lost anyway. The world will never know.
The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.
Today's honoree: Porkchop Cash.
History books say little about the man known only as Porkchop Cash. Where did he come from? Who is he the boss of? And is his name a reference to his facial hair or his favorite food?
In his only televised WWF appearance, Cash had the dubious honor of facing off with newly crowned Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior. It was a great opportunity, but the match quickly turned sour for Cash. After trying to strike the Warrior's rock hard abs a couple of times to no effect, Cash made the cardinal mistake of looking away before giving it one last shot. The Warrior illegally moved the belt over the targeted area, Cash hurt his hand by punching it, and that was all she wrote.
Imagine how different history might have been if the Warrior hadn't cheated at the start of that bout. Cash wins the IC title. Goes on to face Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6. Unifies the titles. Begins the reign of Porkamania.
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| Sorry for the watermark. But if you could watermark this yourself, you know you would. |
Or maybe he would have lost anyway. The world will never know.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E18: Footnote to Murder
Jessica hops on down to New York City to meet her poet pal Horace—an inveterate sot whose constant drinking is laughed off by his friends, even when it later gets him accused of a crime1—for a pre-literary awards show soiree. The only word to describe the party? Catty. Everyone’s trying to start drama, and for the first and last time ever, Jessica gets bigtimed by a publisher who doesn’t see her as a literary star.
Meanwhile, an umbrella mix-up precedes a deluge of unfortunate events, leading to haughty womanizer Hemsley Post being stabbed to death. Jessica saves Horace from suspicion when, after examining a suspicious pair of spectacles, she realizes they must belong to the superfan in the hotel lobby, who must be the younger sister of an Army veteran, who must have actually written the latest book published by the victim, who must have accidentally impaled himself on the blade hidden inside an antique umbrella, which must have been mistakenly taken from the party by the victim, who must have left her glasses at the crime scene. Easy open, easy shut.
Years before joining the show full time as Sheriff Mort, actor Ron Masak guest stars as a police detective who does nothing of consequence. His character has a different name, but that sounds a lot like Mort to me.
New York City Danger Watch: A police station mix-up leaves Horace fighting off the illicit affections of a group of women wearing knee-high boots and homemade headbands—prostitutes, doy—who are being marched into a courtroom to be charged.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #1: Modern Samurai
In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
There can be only one. Why this one? Because Martin Kove is our spirit animal and he will chop you with his tiny katana blades if you disagree. It's as good a reason as any for this cover to top our list.
This is also the issue where Inside Karate rips the lid off the existence of current-day samurai. They exist, and they're al Qaeda's worst nightmare. Do you know why you aren't getting an envelope full of anthrax in your mailbox every day? Samurai. Modern ones. Even now the samurai are scouring the caves of Afghanistan in order to protect us all.
The other great thing about this cover is the implication that Kove himself is one of these modern samurai. IK is like, "We're not directly saying he is, but we're not saying he isn't." And really, who are we to argue with John Steele?
Bonus points for the unnecessary-but-artfully placed drop of blood.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
There can be only one. Why this one? Because Martin Kove is our spirit animal and he will chop you with his tiny katana blades if you disagree. It's as good a reason as any for this cover to top our list.
This is also the issue where Inside Karate rips the lid off the existence of current-day samurai. They exist, and they're al Qaeda's worst nightmare. Do you know why you aren't getting an envelope full of anthrax in your mailbox every day? Samurai. Modern ones. Even now the samurai are scouring the caves of Afghanistan in order to protect us all.
The other great thing about this cover is the implication that Kove himself is one of these modern samurai. IK is like, "We're not directly saying he is, but we're not saying he isn't." And really, who are we to argue with John Steele?
Bonus points for the unnecessary-but-artfully placed drop of blood.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #2: The Sword and the Cinema!
In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
This is it. The issue where the magazine finally stops beating around the bush and reveals the ultimate martial arts technique: Shooting your opponent with a gun. Doesn't matter if you're facing a black belt in karate, tae kwon do, capoeira, judo, jeet kune do, kung fu or tae bo. A bullet trumps everything!
Also: Let's get real, Inside Karate. Why even bother teaching jujutsu moves to women? Just give 'em a rifle.
Combine that amazing story with a cover feature about Bolo Yeung, the guy who played Chong Li in Bloodsport (Want to get a glimpse of his legendary pecs? You're gonna have to buy the issue!), and this issue is clearly the #2 choice for our countdown!
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
This is it. The issue where the magazine finally stops beating around the bush and reveals the ultimate martial arts technique: Shooting your opponent with a gun. Doesn't matter if you're facing a black belt in karate, tae kwon do, capoeira, judo, jeet kune do, kung fu or tae bo. A bullet trumps everything!
Also: Let's get real, Inside Karate. Why even bother teaching jujutsu moves to women? Just give 'em a rifle.
Combine that amazing story with a cover feature about Bolo Yeung, the guy who played Chong Li in Bloodsport (Want to get a glimpse of his legendary pecs? You're gonna have to buy the issue!), and this issue is clearly the #2 choice for our countdown!
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
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