The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Porkchop Cash

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

Today's honoree: Porkchop Cash.

History books say little about the man known only as Porkchop Cash. Where did he come from? Who is he the boss of? And is his name a reference to his facial hair or his favorite food?

In his only televised WWF appearance, Cash had the dubious honor of facing off with newly crowned Intercontinental Champion The Ultimate Warrior. It was a great opportunity, but the match quickly turned sour for Cash. After trying to strike the Warrior's rock hard abs a couple of times to no effect, Cash made the cardinal mistake of looking away before giving it one last shot. The Warrior illegally moved the belt over the targeted area, Cash hurt his hand by punching it, and that was all she wrote.

Imagine how different history might have been if the Warrior hadn't cheated at the start of that bout. Cash wins the IC title. Goes on to face Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 6. Unifies the titles. Begins the reign of Porkamania.

Sorry for the watermark. But if you could watermark this yourself, you know you would.

Or maybe he would have lost anyway. The world will never know.

The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Iron Mike Sharpe

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

Today's honoree: Iron Mike Sharpe.

Iron Mike Sharpe was that rarest of the rare: a bad guy loser. Most prelim wrestlers are generic, plucky go-getters that try to endear themselves to the crowd so that they can get a cheer by leapfrogging Mr. Perfect once or twice before they get demolished and humiliated.

Not Iron Mike. His grossly hairy body and wordless bellowing served only to make wrestling crowds of the '80s beg for good guys like the Big Bossman and Jake "The Snake" Roberts to shut him up as quickly as possible.

Real men wear trunks that rise above the navel.

Where could a man like this come from? Some quick research confirms that this brute does indeed hail from the wilds of Canada. We can only assume he was let through customs at the border because it's illegal to detain grizzly bears.

Then again, a wrestling grizzly bear would certainly be far more popular than Iron Mike Sharpe.

That's just ridiculously untrue.

Sharpe's in-ring style was simple and incredible ineffective. He mostly just lumbered around the ring like a stop-motion tyrannosaurus rex from a 1950s movie serial. His main offensive maneuver consisted of charging headlong at his opponent after telegraphing his intentions for three seconds like the first boss of a Nintendo game, then yelling at the referee and the crowd when things didn't turn out as he intended.

Check out this match against "Birdman" Koko B. Ware, and listen to Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan discuss Sharpe's prospects for stardom.

Although he never won a match in the WWF, Sharpe shockingly found slightly more success (in that he found himself in a high-profile match) in the Far East, where he even once teamed up with Hulk Hogan to form an early version of the Mega Powers in order to do battle with some Japanese wrestlers––including the legendary Antonio Inoki!––on their home turf. Mike took the loss, of course.

The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Reno Riggins

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

Today's honoree: Reno Riggins.

With his bushy mullet and lack of offensive firepower, one might first mistake Reno Riggins for the legendary Dale Wolfe. However, upon closer inspection, the two couldn't be more different. For one thing, Riggins had a flashy fashion sense (see above photo) on par with the likes of Koko B. Ware or Marty Jannetty.

Neon jacket over plum tights? Riggins obviously didn't spend any more time selecting his wardrobe than he did learning how not to perform any offensive maneuvers during a match.

His clash of styles with Rick "The Model" Martel, who, as befit his second career, favored a more restrained cardigan-and-sunglasses look, led to an epic confrontation in which Martel dominated while Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura debated the finer points of Harvard fashion.



The other difference between Reno Riggins and Dale Wolfe? Dale is a down-home country boy, but Riggins is an intellectual.

Perhaps seeing how Ted DiBiase's friendship with Donald Trump paid dividends for the Million-Dollar Man's WWF career, Riggins took it upon himself to read Trump's beloved 1990 tome of business secrets, Surviving at the Top, while wearing a fancy robe.

Unfortunately for Reno, this was a case of putting the cart before the horse––he would have been better served reading a book called Getting to the Top in the First Place or Coming to Terms With Your Place at the Bottom.

The Worst Wrestlers Ever: Dale Wolfe

Call them ham 'n eggers, call them jobbers, or call them "wimpy guys," like we did when we were kids. Just don't call them winners.

The world of '80s and '90s pro wrestling was filled with matches in which accomplished superstars would pound the crap out of losers. In The Worst Wrestlers Ever, we shine the spotlight on the grapplers who just plain weren't any good.

First up: Dale Wolfe.

Famed for his permanent look of confusion and his poorly cut mullet, Dale Wolfe was one of the most prolific wrestlers of the WWF in the Hulk Hogan era. Too bad he never won. A respectful but fiesty competitor, Wolfe would often lose his cool after being slapped by the likes of Mr. Perfect or Ravishing Rick Rude.

Wolfe's defining moment came when he attempted to one-up the Hulkster by taking down the hated Sid Justice just prior to the highly anticipated Wrestlemania showdown between Hogan and Justice. (Assumedly. There was no on-screen reason given for the match between Sid and Dale.) Wolfe didn't get a single move or punch in before being decimated by Sid. After the match, while he was being stretchered out, Sid clotheslined him back to the floor, and that was pretty much the last time anybody ever saw Dale Wolfe.


                                   "I'd like to see what Mama Shango looks like."