Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 7: Trouble in Tibet

Given that title and Rambo's penchant for freedom, I thought this might be the first episode of the show to have a plotline ripped from the headlines of real life. But China is not even mentioned in the episode.

Instead, the show seems to imply that Tibet's troubles only began recently, when SAVAGE showed up to kidnap the child who will become the future Dalai Lama. Their plan: to hold him hostage until the Tibetans reveal the location of King Solomon's legendary gold mines.

So, of course, Rambo is brought onto the case. For some reason, though, Col. Trautman doesn't drop him off at the top of the mountains, so Rambo has to hike all the way up.

He hires a local guide who is so inept that I started to wonder if he was actually a SAVAGE agent. But no, he was just a really bad guide. For example: When Turbo gets buried by a small avalanche, the guide says they have to get him out of there "before he freezes!" Apparently the guide thought Turbo could breathe just fine in there. Then the guide himself almost gets crushed by a falling ice spike, only to be saved by Rambo. Then, when KAT is suffering from altitude sickness but refuses medical attention because she wants to prove herself as tough as any of the men, the guide brushes off Rambo's very reasonable concerns until things get so bad that Rambo has to carry KAT down the mountain by himself.

Not that that was a problem.

At this point, he's earned the guide's respect, who calls Rambo "a man for this mountain!"

Things don't get any easier when Rambo (solo, of course, since those other losers were just holding him back) finally makes it to the Tibetan village. I thought the Tibetans were a peace loving people, but the first thing they do when Rambo shows up is put him into an arena battle with the toughest Tibetan ever! Rambo defeats him, so the spectators throw him a knife and demand he FINISH HIM.

Jesus Christ, these Tibetans are bloodthirsty.

Rambo refuses, and for his disobedience, they make him run across a glacier while being chased by a jungle tiger. Rambo outsmarts the tiger and traps it in an ice cave.

Did I mention that they didn't let him wear shoes?

So, having finally earned the respect of the villagers, Rambo returns just in time to get the keys to Turbo's newest vehicular invention: the Rocket Sleigh!

From there, it's a simple job to infiltrate SAVAGE's mountain fortress and rescue the Dalai Lama. The Rocket Sleigh is tragically destroyed in the subsequent helicopter battle, but Rambo quite easily finishes off his opposition with an automatic rifle, and all is well in Tibet.

Except for that whole Chinese rule thing.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 3: Battlefield Bronx

If you're anything like me, you've always wanted to see how John Rambo would fare in an urban combat environment. Well, it seems like the producers of Rambo: The Force of Freedom had the same idea, because they wasted no time in getting Rambo out of the biological jungle and into the concrete one.

The beginning of this episode sees President Mean Gene of Tierra Libre flying in a chopper with his kidnapping bait/daughter to the headquarters of the United Nations in New York. They're hoping for some international intervention, since SAVAGE just won't stop trying to invade their country for what we can only assume are its precious natural resources or the dangerous karate skills of its old ladies.

More importantly, though, since he's not currently on-screen, the rest of the characters are obsessed with the whereabouts of Poochie-oops-I-mean-Rambo. "I don't know [where he is]," Trautman says with a stoic look in his eye, "but I know he'll be there when you need him."

Sadly, we don't get to see what Rambo's doing on his off day this time. But sure enough, when SAVAGE starts shooting surface-to-air missiles at Prez, Rambo shows up just in time to throw his own plane in front of the chopper like he's taking a bullet for them.

Later, the conference in the UN building has barely begun when a battle breaks out! Showing that he's no stranger to urban warfare, Rambo quickly takes a (possibly a Chinese?) flag and turns it into a roped harpoon!

But the bad guys escape by collapsing a giant stone pillar on him. Then there's like a minute of close-ups of Rambo's bulging and quivering muscles as he tries to lift the pillar off himself––while the crowd just watches and doesn't help.

Now it's time to visit SAVAGE's secret base in "the south Bronx," which looks more like a bombed-out Sarajevo. It also has a lot of rural land surrounding it for some reason. I don't think the animators knew what the Bronx is.

Rambo's only option? To infiltrate their base by utilizing Turbo's experimental new rocket hang glider. As he's taking the rocket hang glider, Turbo goes, "Be careful! That hasn't been tested yet!!" 

And Rambo doesn't even acknowledge that he said anything. Very cold.

Meanwhile, one of the bad guys is really, really excited about his booby traps, which he is sure will ensnare Rambo. The traps consist entirely of:

1. A clearly-electrified barbed wire fence that stands about 4 feet high

2. A big hole in the ground that isn't even covered or anything

Rambo defeats him by dropping a giant boulder into the pit, the sound of which makes him think that Rambo himself has fallen in. Then, when he goes to look, Rambo just pushes him in.

Later, Rambo gets chained up in a dilapidated tenement building, and a SAVAGE guy lets rats loose to run around on him!!!

 But Rambo breaks the chains after another extended bicep-bulging scene, and throws all the rats (which aren't biting or anything, just crawling) onto the bad guy, who freaks out!

Mission accomplished. This is still the best show ever.