What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #26

While KAT and Turbo catch some rays, Rambo catches some waves—until Uncle Sam comes calling, that is!

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 40: Target Supertanker

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 39: Vote of Terror

But her emails! In this portentous episode, SAVAGE has decided to interfere in the presidential election of a small country called Kai Moon in order to elect a puppet candidate seeking to curtail voting rights. How are they doing it? As Trautman explains: "Warhawk's trying to stop President Wang from being reelected using every dirty trick in the book, from smear tactics to mass intimidation!"

Good thing Wang's men are there to safely dogpile him if any tanks break into his office.

And those are just the tricks you might have heard of. Other chapters in the book of dirty tricks include:

• Destroying all the rickety suspension bridges in the country to keep voters away from the polls!
• Putting scorpions in all the parachutes so you can't get to the polls that way either!

"The scorpions—they've gummed up the works!"

• Blowing up commuter railways with old-timey pump detonators!
• Chasing down voters with manned drones!
• Infiltrating the electorate with hat-based disguises!
• Gaslighting President Wang by claiming that he's hired Rambo to illegally swing the election!
• Kidnapping the First Lady Wang!

That last one was accomplished by SAVAGE's newest member: Snakebite, who was described by someone in the know as "a man with a backpack full of snakes and rats." That's his thing. Snakes and rats, living in harmony. In his backpack. Zoologists might be impressed, but we're not. And neither is Rambo.

Rambo shows up, hits Snakebite with his own giant anaconda,

The phallic connotations!

then takes him for a scary motorcycle sidecar ride

until Snakebite spills the beans on the location of Ms. Wang. Rambo rescues her and, election day be damned, she wants a ride on that motorcycle immediately.

yesssssssssss

MISSION COMPLETE.

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #25

Tagging whales!

That's So Punisher #25

Dooring a hoodlum with the Battle Van!

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 38: Mind Control

Pop quiz, hot shot. Explain the plot of this episode of Rambo solely by interpreting this series of gifs!

If you guessed "Rambo has to take a break from lecturing thievious raccoons at his cabin because SAVAGE has created a mind control device that's activated over the phone which also gives its victims super strength and invulnerability and is using it to brainwash scientists at the Lazer Lab so as to steal a lazer for nefarious means and they'll even go so far as brainwashing KAT's old college roomie Lisa into a dead-eyed uzi fighter who steals the final crucial piece of the lazer while Rambo is storming an Arctic base on skis and also while SAVAGE is attacking a desert lazer installation with a group of tanks and ninjas hidden beneath the desert sands so Rambo then must deliver his own special brand of interrogation to KAT's old college brainwashing professor who reveals the secrets of mind control allowing Rambo to break the spell and then comfort Lisa," you nailed it. Good job!

Jessica Fletcher in Peril #1

While on one of her trademark mystery-considering walks, Jessica Fletcher is nearly struck by an errant frisbee.

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #24

After cheering on KAT during her "posing while riding a horse" show, Rambo jumps into the rodeo for himself. Or, more accurately: he jumps off a super angry bull, and, to the approval of the crowd, sticks his dismount.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 37: SAVAGE Rustlers.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 36: Children for Peace

With a title like that, your expectations get set at maximum. The good news? With a hero like Rambo, you're guaranteed an episode that'll exceed those hopes.

For starters, Rambo is taking a working vacation to Sydney, Australia, where he's keeping a watchful eye over the proceedings at the Children's Peace Conference at the legendary Opera House.

Classy place. Just the classiest. Tremendous

SAVAGE, having a direct philosophical opposition to the discussions, decides to crash the party. The best way to do so? Send in Black Dragon in one of his patented unexpected forms of transportation!

Parasail hang glider!

One thing leads to another, and we eventually reach the only possible endpoint of this scenario:

Rambo driving a three-wheeler while battling ninjas atop the Opera House.

This smoothly transitions into a knife-vs.-sword duel with Black Dragon, who eventually beats a hasty retreat.

I bet this kind of thing happens all the time in Australia.

The peace conference now over, Rambo decides to give all six kids, who represent no fewer than five different continents, a ride home in his plane at the same time. That's going to be a long ride if you're the last one to get dropped off. SAVAGE, pissed that the conference was such a huge success, shoot the plane down and leave Rambo playing babysitter to a bunch of mock government nerds in the middle of the African wilderness. The American kid is especially obnoxious, always trying to get the others to drink water without boiling it, amongst other survival faux pas.

After Rambo chooses the wrong moment to try to cross a fallen log, he's separated from the kids and must climb up a rope to ascend a chasm. That's when he runs into some unexpected traffic.

"If you've got a poison stinger, you've got the right of way!"–John Rambo

His problems don't stop even after he's reunited with the children—he's immediately challenged to a fight by the chieftain of a local baboon tribe.

The Chinese delegate has the right idea. Eyes closed!

After protracted battle, Rambo throws the baboon into a pit of quicksand and then rescues it, earning the respect of the tribe and forging and unbreakable bond between man and beast.

They then team up to fight SAVAGE.

MISSION COMPLETE.

What's Andre the Giant Doing in the 1970s? #34

Spending some time on his back while his broken leg mends!

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 35: The Iron Mask

The Force of Freedom is enjoying some R&R at Oktoberfest in Germany when the mayor has a heart attack. After Rambo saves him with some quick CPR, he gets back up and continues hosting like nothing ever happened.

Meanwhile, nearby, a young German boy named Horst is spying on the Man in the Iron Mask, who is informing SAVAGE in his castle that he has found a sunken plane full of Nazi gold in the lake next to his castle. The boy sees the man without his mask, so they all chase him on foot through the Black Forest, where he trips and falls, giving himself amnesia.

Luckily, he sees Rambo in town and seeks his assistance (good instincts!). Rambo keeps saying they need to get Horst to "a safe place." The mayor offers his secluded hunting cabin, which Rambo thinks sounds like a great idea. So they hop in the attack jeep with this child, to bring him to the secluded hunting cabin.

BUT! Mad Dog and his biker gang show up on their attack three-wheelers.

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Rambo turns the tables by shooting a rocket into a cornfield, showering his pursuers in popcorn. They crash and are chased away by pigs.

Rambo then drives the attack boat over to the Nazi gold lake and dives down to check things out. Have you ever considered engaging Rambo in undersea combat?

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I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST IT.

After getting lassoed by the Man in the Iron Mask and dragged behind a speedboat like a tuber (he even gets pulled through the weeds!), Rambo escapes into his attack boat and wreaks havoc. The only way to stop him? Light the lake on fire! 

Except even that doesn't do the job.

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"Now I know how fried chicken feels!" That's literally what he said.

Rambo then returns to the secluded hunting cabin to hang out with Horst.

Sadly, the secluded hunting cabin is immediately run over by the Man in the Iron Mask in a tank. He's even got Rambo on the ropes, until...

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After that, all that's left to do is rescue KAT and Turbo from being incinerated by a space rocket that, in an unexplained segment of their plan, SAVAGE filled up with the sunken Nazi gold, and then deliver this peice of advice to Horst: "Parents are a lot more forgiving than kids think!" before staring into the wind and smiling.

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No one has ever been happier than Rambo is at this moment.

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #23

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The mayor of Oktoberfest has had a massive heart attack! Rambo jumps in with some timely rescue breathing.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 35: The Iron Mask.

That's So Punisher #24

Performing routine maintenance on the Battle Van!

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S3E3: Unfinished Business

Road trip! Jessica Fletcher and her Cabot Cove cohorts, Sheriff Amos and Doctor Seth, take a drive to Juniper Lake Resort, where the cabins are $20/night, the drinks are strong, and an investigation into a mysterious death from 30 years ago is heating up again––with Seth as one of the suspects.

The stress of having a close friend under suspicion clearly wears on Jessica, because when the local sheriff's investigation doesn't meet her rigorous standards, she gets all huffy and threatens to call the governor.

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #22

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John Rambo puts a book to its best use: keeping the sun out of his eyes while he naps in the attack jeep.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 33: Freedom Dancer.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S3E2: Death Stalks the Big Top, Part 2

While trying to clear her brother-in-law Neil's name, Jessica runs afoul of the obstructionist mayor. In a rare display of hypocrisy, she tells him he has no authority to get involved in a police investigation, but no one calls her on it.

After a rival circus promoter is also murdered, Jess is knocked out with a chloroformed rag and dumped in a burning motel room, only to be saved at the last minute by a recently released Neil.

Later, she confronts the true murderer under the big top and somehow gets him to reveal his actions by convincing him to theorize about what he WOULD have done if he HAD committed the murders. When Jessica realizes this won't be enough for a court of law to convict the man, she has a couple of carnies start shoving him into a cage with a hungry tiger until he panics and reveals where he hid a bloody hacksaw, which is enough to seal his fate.

The episode ends with Jess revealing to Courteney Cox and her father that Neil is alive and well. The father considers faking his own death to escape from his terrible wife.

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 32: Swamp Monster

Crisis on the bayou!

The locals are terrified by what they believe is a swamp monster, even though within seconds they should have identified it as simply a floating tank with a spiked steamroller on the front.

"Hey guys!"

Luckily, one of the swampfolk is Turbo's Uncle Oliver, who makes a late-nite to Turbo's high-rise city apartment call to get the Force of Freedom on the case.

What's Turbo Doing on His Day Off?

Turbo and Rambo leave KAT at home and travel to the bayou, where they quickly encounter several deadly animals

Rambo does NOT like water moccasins.

before finally encountering the swamp monster, which is being piloted by Sgt. Havoc. He tries to incinerate them with the tank's flamethrower, possibly the most questionable weapon one could choose to mount onto an aquatic assault vehicle. Havoc threatens to "burn down the entire swamp!" to get at Rambo, which: good luck.

Rambo escapes and swims to the SAVAGE swampbase,

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which appears to consist of one watchtower and one sod house on a large sandbar. Way to take advantage of the Homestead Act, guys. Their plot: to construct a satellite dish for unspoken purposes. Pretty sure that's not even illegal.

Rambo climbs to the top of the watchtower to confront Warhawk,

who pulls out a broadsword and cuts a rope, dropping Rambo through a trapdoor and into the area between the legs of the watchtower, which doubles as a prison cell.

Then they hang Rambo by his arms from a tree branch so that he's waist-deep in the water.

"If the crayfish don't finish you, maybe the leeches will!" Warhawk cackles before leaving. He does not have a functional grasp of which aquatic species are most deadly.

Nevertheless, the swamps crayfish and leeches quickly move in for the kill(!) before Rambo escapes, blows everything up, and makes it back to Uncle Oliver's shack just in time for dinner. On the menu? Crayfish stew!

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, CRUSTACEANS?

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

HUSS!

Somebody make this into a t-shirt!

What's Rambo Doing on His Day Off? #21

A young boy is being threatened by an oddly proportioned bear. John Rambo springs into action, his only weapon a hot dog. Against the park's clearly posted regulations, he throws the frank, distracting the bear and saving the boy.

As seen in Rambo: The Force of Freedom episode 31: Terror Beneath the Sea.

Murder She Wrote Recaps: S3E1: Death Stalks the Big Top, Part 1

We start the episode by meeting yet another Fletcher niece: a pre-Friends Courteney Cox. When she anonymously receives a silver leprechaun in the mail, she takes it as incontrovertible proof that her grandfather Neil (Jessica's late husband's brother) must have actually faked his death in that boat explosion so many years ago.

Jessica tracks Neil to a traveling circus, but when she's stonewalled by the tight-knit carny community, she must resort to a classic Fletcher ruse. Disguised in a plaid muumuu and heart-shaped sunglasses, she befriends a baby elephant and baby chimpanzee and infiltrates the circus just in time to see Neil being carted away for allegedly murdering a stagehand that had unsuccessfully hit on all the women of the circus the previous night.

TO BE CONTINUED...!

Let's Talk About Rambo: Episode 31: Terror Beneath the Sea

Colonel Trautman, on another cold-weather vacation, stops at an Eskimo village in the Arctic Circle, where he's told that a killer whale has been attacking to the settlement. He's skeptical—since when do killer whales a.) attack humans or b.) do anything outside of the water—but the chief's claims are proven true when a vicious orca starts breaking through the ice from below

The only thing he hates more than igloos? Army planes.

and destructively sliding through the village at an incredible rate of speed,

breaking igloos left and right

Has he no respect for these Eskimos' boot game?

and even taking out a dogsled. It's the most effective and tactically sound piece of villainy this show has ever seen.

After the orca rampage, SAVAGE shows up on snow windsurfers to capture everybody,

Judging by the lines, there were ice skates on those windsurfers too?

confirming Trautman's worst fear: that the orca is the newest member of the terrorist organization.

Rambo rounds up KAT and Turbo and goes to check things out. The orca, taking a page straight out of Jaws' playbook, destroys the back of their boat

and tries to get KAT to slide into his mouth.

KAT avoids being Quinted, however, by jumping onto a floating piece of ice, then Rambo rescues her by jumping onto the other edge of the ice piece, catapulting her back onto the boat. The orca—which we can now see has cybernetic implants!—begins chasing Rambo across the ice floe. Rambo's only recourse is to shoot a bunch of icicles, which fall onto the killer whale, causing it to sink into a deep depressive state.

I'm not joking.

There's no rest for the weary, though, as we soon learn that the cyborca's implants allow an evil scientist to give it stern vocal commands and chastisement, pushing it back into action. Luckily, though, Rambo stops the scientist, learns that the orca's name is Korak, and then decides to give Korak "a night to think things over."

The next morning, Rambo feeds Korak a couple of fish and instantly a strong bond with him.

The new besties immediately embark on an infiltration mission together down to SAVAGE's undersea base.

Rambo, holding onto Korak's dorsal fin, is disguised as a conspicuous mass of seaweed, and General Warhawk lets them in, thinking that Korak has a message for them. So presumably he has some way of conversing with Korak, but sadly, we never see it, because Rambo—in his only moment of weakness ever—is soon held at gunpoint. Luckily, Korak uses his tail to fling Sgt. Havoc into the fray, allowing Rambo to blow up the base and escape in a submersible.

Our two heroes share a tender look as they escape to freedom,

"Rambo love Korak."

and Korak immediately finds a mate to swim off with.

MISSION COMPLETE.