Before fancy graphics, coherent writing, and cultural sensitivity, the world was a badder place. Join us as we remember a time when having three frames of animation for your sprite was a luxury and the only requirement for rescuing the president from ninjas was being sufficiently bad.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Murder She Wrote Recaps: S1E16: Tough Guys Don't Die
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #8: Ernie Reyes Jr.
In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
Ernie Reyes Jr. appeared on the cover of Inside Karate no fewer than four times over the course of its publication. This one makes our list, however, because it's the only cover to capture Ernie (who, as you know, went on to star in Surf Ninjas, TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze, and the wildly underrated The Rundown) in the midst of an attempted murder. Such a shame to get bloodstains on that sweet camouflage karate gi, though.
In honor of the most amazing Point-Counterpoint topic we've ever seen, we held our own session, which we hope lives up to high standard of IK editorial content.
Ross: Point. It's good that the Ninja have Secret Strategies. It would be very un-ninja-like for them to reveal their strategies to the world and their enemies.
Dusty: Counterpoint. Inside Karate is doing society a favor by blowing the lid off of the Secret Strategies held by the Ninjas. No longer will the world's entire population need to walk in fear of a secretly strategic ninja attack.
Ross: Point. Even if civilians learn the Secret Strategies, what good will it do them? The Ninja have perfected them for years! Let me give you an example: Dragon Sound keyboardist Jim learned all about secret ninja strategies from his bandmates. But his knowledge didn't save him from immediately getting chopped in the back with a katana when the chips were down.
Dusty: Counterpoint. The members of Dragon Sound followed the discipline of Tae Kwon Do and knew very little of ninja activities or techniques, which is the reason that Keyboard Jim received a devastating katana back chop. Perhaps they should have been reading Inside Karate instead of hanging out at home doing homework.
Ross: Point. Publishing an expose on the Secret Strategies must have put the editorial staff of Inside Karate at severe risk of a ninja attack. Maybe the magazine was never actually cancelled. Maybe the entire staff just died in a mysterious shuriken accident.
Dusty: Counterpoint. The entire editorial staff at Inside Karate is actually comprised of ninja warriors. By publishing a false list of secret ninja strategies, they have lured the unsuspecting public in a false sense of security. Also there is no such thing as a shuriken "accident" when ninjas are involved.
Ross: Point. I can't argue with any of that. You win.
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
Ernie Reyes Jr. appeared on the cover of Inside Karate no fewer than four times over the course of its publication. This one makes our list, however, because it's the only cover to capture Ernie (who, as you know, went on to star in Surf Ninjas, TMNT 2: The Secret of the Ooze, and the wildly underrated The Rundown) in the midst of an attempted murder. Such a shame to get bloodstains on that sweet camouflage karate gi, though.
In honor of the most amazing Point-Counterpoint topic we've ever seen, we held our own session, which we hope lives up to high standard of IK editorial content.
Ross: Point. It's good that the Ninja have Secret Strategies. It would be very un-ninja-like for them to reveal their strategies to the world and their enemies.
Dusty: Counterpoint. Inside Karate is doing society a favor by blowing the lid off of the Secret Strategies held by the Ninjas. No longer will the world's entire population need to walk in fear of a secretly strategic ninja attack.
Ross: Point. Even if civilians learn the Secret Strategies, what good will it do them? The Ninja have perfected them for years! Let me give you an example: Dragon Sound keyboardist Jim learned all about secret ninja strategies from his bandmates. But his knowledge didn't save him from immediately getting chopped in the back with a katana when the chips were down.
Dusty: Counterpoint. The members of Dragon Sound followed the discipline of Tae Kwon Do and knew very little of ninja activities or techniques, which is the reason that Keyboard Jim received a devastating katana back chop. Perhaps they should have been reading Inside Karate instead of hanging out at home doing homework.
Ross: Point. Publishing an expose on the Secret Strategies must have put the editorial staff of Inside Karate at severe risk of a ninja attack. Maybe the magazine was never actually cancelled. Maybe the entire staff just died in a mysterious shuriken accident.
Dusty: Counterpoint. The entire editorial staff at Inside Karate is actually comprised of ninja warriors. By publishing a false list of secret ninja strategies, they have lured the unsuspecting public in a false sense of security. Also there is no such thing as a shuriken "accident" when ninjas are involved.
Ross: Point. I can't argue with any of that. You win.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #9: Conan!
In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
This cover is awesome. In fact, if not for Ralf Moeller, this might be a top three pick. Unfortunately, Ralf can't even hold his tin foil sword the right way in his hand, and his general lameness drops this cover several spots on our list.
There's an old saying among baseball and football scouts: "You can't teach speed." Well, obviously they never talked to karate scouts. In the dangerous and sexy world of karate, you can not only teach speed (in a consumer magazine, no less!), you can double anyone's speed. That's how top karate prospects put up 2.2-second 40-yard dashes.
Dena Rae Hayess––Female Warrior for the New Millennium, or Human Typo? Or Kicker of Giant Hands?
Also, in direct refutation of the last cover we profiled, this month's issue seems to actually promote grappling, and not just for punch fighters! For kick fighters, too! Get your story straight, Inside Karate. Is grappling a worthwhile karate tactic or not? Let's hope for a deep dive next issue.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
This cover is awesome. In fact, if not for Ralf Moeller, this might be a top three pick. Unfortunately, Ralf can't even hold his tin foil sword the right way in his hand, and his general lameness drops this cover several spots on our list.
There's an old saying among baseball and football scouts: "You can't teach speed." Well, obviously they never talked to karate scouts. In the dangerous and sexy world of karate, you can not only teach speed (in a consumer magazine, no less!), you can double anyone's speed. That's how top karate prospects put up 2.2-second 40-yard dashes.
Dena Rae Hayess––Female Warrior for the New Millennium, or Human Typo? Or Kicker of Giant Hands?
Also, in direct refutation of the last cover we profiled, this month's issue seems to actually promote grappling, and not just for punch fighters! For kick fighters, too! Get your story straight, Inside Karate. Is grappling a worthwhile karate tactic or not? Let's hope for a deep dive next issue.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Monday, September 23, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Top 10 Covers of Inside Karate Magazine: #10: Benny and the New Jets
In the early 1980s, there existed a magazine called Kick Illustrated. It was the world's premier source for photos of kicks. But its editors weren't satisfied. They dared to ask the question, "What if?" What if there was a magazine that pulled back the veil not just on kicks, but on punches. On grapples. On open-fist palm strikes. On throat chops. And so was Inside Karate magazine born.
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
Questions. So many questions raised by this cover. Who is Benny? What was wrong with the Old Jets? Why are they wearing championship belts? What is their connection to Elton John? What is Elton John's connection to karate? Can Elton John beat Frank Dux in a straight-up karate fight?
We have no idea how or why a karate magazine would offer seven reasons not to grapple. Perhaps Bridgett Hare hates grappling and will wallop anybody who says otherwise.
This issue also promises to tackle the greatest problem of martial arts: How can the classes for something so badass be so boring to participate in? Hopefully the answer was "add more ropes and flame jets."
Note to self: My band's new name is Benny and the Flame Jets.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Inside Karate, or "Karate Inside Karate," as its own covers seem to call it, combined all the over-earnest badassery of late-20th century martial arts with the zazzy, breezy coverlines of a city magazine. That combination, much like a combination of strikes followed by a triangle choke, turned Inside Karate into this world's preeminent printed publication and earned it a stranglehold on the martial arts community's reading circles until its untimely demise in 1999. Did readership really dwindle? Or was the new century simply unprepared to coexist with such a kickass periodical?
Don't be fooled by copycats like Professional Karate or Karate Illustrated. They have neither the high-quality karate action photography nor the deep-diving karate action features to compete with the marketplace leader. Join us as we count down the best magazine covers in karate action history.
Questions. So many questions raised by this cover. Who is Benny? What was wrong with the Old Jets? Why are they wearing championship belts? What is their connection to Elton John? What is Elton John's connection to karate? Can Elton John beat Frank Dux in a straight-up karate fight?
We have no idea how or why a karate magazine would offer seven reasons not to grapple. Perhaps Bridgett Hare hates grappling and will wallop anybody who says otherwise.
This issue also promises to tackle the greatest problem of martial arts: How can the classes for something so badass be so boring to participate in? Hopefully the answer was "add more ropes and flame jets."
Note to self: My band's new name is Benny and the Flame Jets.
Think you can do better? Study the cover archive here and show us your moves!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Precious Wrestling Memories: For the Love of God, Sting, Stop Opening Those Giant Gift Boxes
As one of the most popular wrestlers in early-90s WCW, Sting had so many fans that his fame turned into a weakness. His villainous opponents discovered that, if they sent him haphazardly wrapped gifts during live television broadcasts, Sting would often let his guard down, assuming that one of his millions of Little Stingers had sent him a present. Or maybe it was from RoboCop.
By the time of the video below, Sting had already been ambushed by a Cactus Jack-filled gift box. That doesn't stop him from opening another one, though. We have no idea what he could have thought was in there (Industrial-sized tub of facepaint? 3,000 copies of The Crow on VHS?), but we're certain he didn't expect an obese man with genie pants pulled up to his sternum and a grotesque mass of scar tissue where his forehead should be.
Sting, if you're reading this, here's a hint: If you're the recipient of a gift that is vaguely man-sized, there will always be a man inside of it.
By the time of the video below, Sting had already been ambushed by a Cactus Jack-filled gift box. That doesn't stop him from opening another one, though. We have no idea what he could have thought was in there (Industrial-sized tub of facepaint? 3,000 copies of The Crow on VHS?), but we're certain he didn't expect an obese man with genie pants pulled up to his sternum and a grotesque mass of scar tissue where his forehead should be.
Sting, if you're reading this, here's a hint: If you're the recipient of a gift that is vaguely man-sized, there will always be a man inside of it.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Embarrassing Celebrity Renders: Val Kilmer
Video games based on movies are almost always terrible from a gameplay perspective and often lack the same impact as the films they seek to emulate. Another unfortunate side effect of these disastrous celluloid-to-pixel transformations are the graphic renderings of the actors.
This installment comes to us from the 1988 fantasy masterpiece Willow. I am not here to comment on the awesomeness that is Willow––that would be far too easy. This particular piece of pixel art garbage is from the 1988 arcade title of the same name. Despite this game being a joint venture between LucasFilm and Capcom, it features some horrific character modeling. Just stare at that mouth for two minutes and tell me your life is the same afterwards.
This installment comes to us from the 1988 fantasy masterpiece Willow. I am not here to comment on the awesomeness that is Willow––that would be far too easy. This particular piece of pixel art garbage is from the 1988 arcade title of the same name. Despite this game being a joint venture between LucasFilm and Capcom, it features some horrific character modeling. Just stare at that mouth for two minutes and tell me your life is the same afterwards.
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